In the past three years and In the past year specifically, I’ve lost myself.
As a child, I wasn’t brought up in a really religious household. My mom believed that Jesus was a good mentor for everyone to look to, but beyond that there was no real church in my life.
Despite that though, I grew up to be a person with strong morals and beliefs for what I wanted out of life. I didn’t want to have sex until I got married to someone (even though I knew same-sex marriage would take time); I had no desire to drink or do drugs of any sort. I wanted a relationship of faithfulness and happiness, and felt that I could be a good person to deserve that. These were things I believed not because people told me to believe them, but because they were how I felt and what I wanted for my life.
And then, I met Andy. He was kind and sweet, and I loved talking to him. When we were together we would connect on levels that I never experience with anyone. I fell in love with him, but there was one problem, he was in an open relationship with another person (a relationship of three years). Blinded by love for him, I still allowed myself to be in a relationship with him even though I knew I did not want that kind of love with someone.
I ended up giving him every part of me. I chose to give him my virginity because I felt foolishly that a feeling that amazing could not possibly end and “what the hell, I can’t get married anyway”…all this when I knew that he was with Ray, I still persisted.
We were in that relationship for two years. I wasn’t happy, but I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t blame Andy because he was always up front about Ray and him. It was my choice and I was hurting myself and I wouldn’t end it because I was afraid that all I had put into the relationship would mean nothing if I left.
We continued in the relationship and I did even more things. Andy introduced me to alcohol on my 18th birthday, and I drank even though it was not something that the real me would want. Then there was more, he introduced me to drugs and I ended up using them to numb my pain.
Things got worse and worse. I never let myself get addicted, but the pain from the relationship and the pain from the drugs wore away at me until I had to leave him or end up getting myself killed.
I left him 4 months ago, three years into our ‘relationship’, and now I have the pieces of myself that I have to pick up. All of the rules and dreams and hopes that I had for myself are hollowed out and filled with the pain I created for myself.
I used to have faith that there was a God, and I felt connected to Him. Even without religion, I felt His presence, but now I don’t always feel that. I can’t pray anymore. When I try, I feel like I’m talking to myself rather than the Lord and it hurts so bad not to feel Him any more.
That’s why I’m here. . . I’ve seen the Lord acting in the lives of my Catholic friends every day. My best friend invited me to church with her, and I was moved by the meaning behind the things that I saw…I just don’t know where there is room for me to join.
The Catholic faith and all of the doctrines I read from it is so daunting to me, and I’m just here hoping that someone can help me find a start. I would ask my friend, but she’s leaving to Germany soon for the summer and won’t be able to help me.
I know God is here, in this church and in its doctrines; I feel it in my core… I just don’t know where to start to find my place in a life I often feel I don’t even deserve any more.
Thank you for reading this. I’m sorry it’s so long.