I made a stupid mistake (dating) what next?


#1

First and foremost, please don’t tell I made a stupid mistake…I already know and I feel bad about it :frowning:

Anyway I decided in an act of boldness to ask a girl I know if she wishes to go out to coffee with me. The problem? As I chronicled here (tinyurl.com/y7q6uts) I am already trying to pursue another girl who I haven’t yet had a chance to meet, mainly because she is very busy (although she sent me a message online to tell me that she wants to call but can’t right now).

I wasn’t thinking at the time and now I have two girls that I am pursuing and I don’t know what to do next. I don’t want to hurt either of their feelings but I don’t know what to do to avoid this. How should I respond? If one of them rejects me that makes things easier but I don’t know if that’s going to happen or not.

For the record: the girl I asked for coffee asked for my availability for something, but I get the vibe that maybe she isn’t totally interested.

Thoughts? Prayers would be helpful too.


#2

You asked one girl out to coffee... and you're talking to another one online...

I wouldn't even start to assume that you're actually "dating" either one of them YET... and even so, exclusivity isn't necessarily an initial requirement...

Take a deep breath... you're allowed to talk to more than one girl at a time... :)
You don't have to lie... just don't broach the topic of "are you seeing anyone else right now"...
Chances are... these girls may be "talking" to other guys themselves...

Not a mistake... just take your time. :)


#3

Okay, I’ve read your previous threads and I’ve got some questions/comments for you.

1.) I still find it hard to believe that online girl is that busy. I just really do. If she truly did like you in any way (and more than just a friend) she would make the time to go out. You say she hasn’t called you back after umpteen phone calls? Give it a rest. It makes you look needy.

2.) In regards to girl # 2: how did you two meet? Are you just friends? Do you truly think she likes you “like that” or are you just hoping because girl # 1 is giving you the cold shoulder and ignoring you?

3.) Going out for a cup of coffee (and you each pay your own bill) is NOT considered a date in my book. Just hang out with the girl and see if their is a mutal attraction. If not, move on…

I apologize if I come across as being a bit brash but your previous thread made you look well…like you’re desperate for girl # 1’s approval/affection/etc.(there…I said it) :blush:


#4

I don't think you made a stupid mistake at all.

Ask yourself - if girl #1 hadn't been "that busy" and you two had been on a few dates already, would you have asked girl #2 to coffee? No, I am guessing not.

It seems like all you have to do, if this is making you uncomfortable (which I don't know why you are) is stop pursuing girl #1 and go out with girl #2. The only thing that might do is make girl #1 more interested, but if that happens, you can deal with it then.


#5

Met on the March for Life, hung out during that time, and have met here and there since then for various events. That’s about it.

3.) Going out for a cup of coffee (and you each pay your own bill) is NOT considered a date in my book. Just hang out with the girl and see if their is a mutal attraction. If not, move on…

I apologize if I come across as being a bit brash but your previous thread made you look well…like you’re desperate for girl # 1’s approval/affection/etc.(there…I said it) :blush:

It’s okay. I don’t have much luck in this area and I guess I need to hear this kinda stuff.


#6

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:1, topic:195608"]

Thoughts? Prayers would be helpful too.

[/quote]

Prayers would be helpful especially :)

I don't believe you've made a mistake at all. Be honest with everyone involved. You are not cheating on someone you haven't so much as dated yet.

But if an old man may pass on some wisdom he gained from mistakes he made, it would be this...

Stop "persuing"... If you find a young lady interesting and want to get to know more about her, that's great. But if you "Persue" them, it will lead to only grief. Persue God and God's plan fo you. Have coffee... Talk on the phone... etc... When the right woman comes along God will make sure you know it IF you are listening... If you "persue" a woman, you might just catch her... And what if she's the wrong one?

I guess what I'm saying is relax... Follow God and pray... You'll likely find the perfect woman for you right after you stop looking :)

Our judgement < God's Plan --- No equation is more true.

God bless and guide you

Mike


#7

Lotus, take this from the most obsessed critic of non-exclusive dating ever on CAF:

You aren't dating two girls at the same time. As folks have said, it's just coffee and talking. You're getting to know the girls, you don't have any actual relationship with either of them.

If you start actually wooing both of them at the same time, then I will come to your house. :)


#8

You DID NOT make a mistake. :thumbsup: Promise.

I hate to admit this, but one of the many wonderful things about my upcoming nuptials is the fact that I never have to worry about this stuff again :stuck_out_tongue:


#9

LotusCars, you are like thinking yourself to death.

It's totally ok to be interested in more than one girl at a time...that is until things get serious. And going out for coffee with one that you're interested in should not stop you from going out with another girl the next day.

And don't be so concerned with "hurting a girl's feelings". Girls are quite strong emotionally speaking, probably twice what a man is. If something doesn't work out, no worries. Don't cry over spilled milk.


#10

I’m single, and I don’t worry about this stuff.

You didn’t do anything wrong. Take a deep breath and relax.


#11

*There's no harm in hanging out with more than one girl...now, what would be potentially wrong, is if you liked both, and start pursuing BOTH. That would be wrong, in my eyes. But, hanging out, having a cup of coffee...getting to know people...nothing wrong with that. I would say that it can get confusing if you have feelings for both, so it's kind of dangerous to let things progress too much with BOTH.

Kimothy also made some great points...I agree with her, too. Girls who say they are endlessly busy, are not interested. I used to use the line...so, I know. I'm not proud of that, but that's what girls say when they don't want to hurt a guy's feelings. Don't take it personally. *


#12

If one is blowing you off a little, just dump her, and say maybe some other time. Then go for the one that likes you more. This is the best advice.


#13

Except that I don’t know if either of them likes me. As of now there are no women who like me, only girls I am interested in and could see myself being with. So all the efforts on my side and there is no indication of any attraction there.


#14

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:13, topic:195608"]
Except that I don't know if either of them likes me. As of now there are no women who like me, only girls I am interested in and could see myself being with. So all the efforts on my side and there is no indication of any attraction there.

[/quote]

go for the one that didn't outright reject you


#15

You sound so down on yourself… :frowning:
Stop that! :slight_smile:

Go enjoy coffee and talk with this girl… get to know her… sometimes girls aren’t “attracted” (meaning, they hold back from investing anything emotionally into your relationship) until they get to know more about you… so let them get to know you!


#16

Yeah seriously, casual dating of multiple people (which would today just be considered “hanging out”) is totally fine. You’re not in a relationship, you have zero commitments, so who cares?

Besides, one plus no one has mentioned yet, is that if one of the women is just using "busy " as an excuse and then finally says “fine, let’s get a drink or something” you can bust out the “well maybe tomorrow, I’m actually hanging out with this other girl tonight. I’ll give you a buzz later though” line. Now she becomes more interested simply because another woman is interested!

And I’m sure I’ll catch grief from chev for that little nugget.


#17

I’d argue against using this. I’ve had games played with me before and I hate it. So I wouldn’t play games with a girl. If she asked what I was doing that evening and I felt like saying “on a date” I’d say it but never intentionally with the purpose of playing her.


#18

I’m saying it would be coincidental, truthful and would benefit you, not saying that it’s a form of nasty manipulation.


#19

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:1, topic:195608"]
First and foremost, please don't tell I made a stupid mistake...I already know and I feel bad about it :(

Anyway I decided in an act of boldness to ask a girl I know if she wishes to go out to coffee with me. The problem? As I chronicled here (tinyurl.com/y7q6uts) I am already trying to pursue another girl who I haven't yet had a chance to meet, mainly because she is very busy (although she sent me a message online to tell me that she wants to call but can't right now).

I wasn't thinking at the time and now I have two girls that I am pursuing and I don't know what to do next. I don't want to hurt either of their feelings but I don't know what to do to avoid this. How should I respond? If one of them rejects me that makes things easier but I don't know if that's going to happen or not.

For the record: the girl I asked for coffee asked for my availability for something, but I get the vibe that maybe she isn't totally interested.

Thoughts? Prayers would be helpful too.

[/quote]

You aren't dating either of these women, so there is no mistake! You've asked one for coffee, and you recently met one online. Neither of these women considers herself in a relationship with you (unless she is insane), and you won't be in an exclusive relationship with either one until you both agree to be in one.

Right now, these women are your friends/acquaintances. And you're perfectly fine with interacting with them both (and many others besides).


#20

[quote="The_Bucket, post:16, topic:195608"]
Yeah seriously, casual dating of multiple people (which would today just be considered "hanging out") is totally fine. You're not in a relationship, you have zero commitments, so who cares?

[/quote]

I care. Multi-romance is wrong. It's wrong to do that for the same reason it's wrong to play spin the bottle at parties.

Besides, one plus no one has mentioned yet, is that if one of the women is just using "busy " as an excuse and then finally says "fine, let's get a drink or something" you can bust out the "well maybe tomorrow, I'm actually hanging out with this other girl tonight. I'll give you a buzz later though" line. Now she becomes more interested simply because another woman is interested!

But she has so much growing up to do yet that you might as well give up already. Plus, respectfully, using jealousy is lame, as is giving information about one's evening plans which isn't true.

And I'm sure I'll catch grief from chev for that little nugget.

You said. :tiphat:


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