I met with my ex this weekend


#1

I met with my ex-boyfriend this weekend. We talked about what’s been going on in eachother’s lives since we broke up. I still have strong feelings for him. He told me some things that he has done that are pretty bad. He said that he regrets his past and wants to become a better Catholic. These things he told me about don’t bother me. I find it very easy to forgive people. I know that we are all sinners in need of God’s grace.

He told me that he was “jealous” of me. I haven’t done any of the things he has. He was even starting to compare me to being a nun. I’m not a nun by any means. He never said it, but I know that he doesn’t want to be with me because I’m “pure” and he isn’t. I’m not talking just sexually pure, but in the way I conduct myself in life. He told me we could never be anything more than friends.

This broke my heart. I felt like he was the one for me. I’ve prayed novenas asking him to come back into my life and for us to get back together. Now I feel like my pureness is what is getting in the way of this relationship. I know it sounds silly/stupid, but if I wouldn’t be so nice and good, I’d be with him.

I’ve always wanted to get married and have a family of my own, but at this point, I just don’t want to get married at all. I can’t imagine anyone better than him. I look past his faults and don’t dwell on his past. I’m finding it very difficult to trust God at this point and I’m just so confused in this life. I feel like I have no worth and that God doesn’t have “great plans” for me. A part of me just wants to give up on my faith, but I feel a tug that says “Don’t go.” It seems like my faith has gotten in the way of what I truly want in this world.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the rant. I just don’t know where to turn to.


#2

This is how you feel now. Trust me, if somehow you were to marry him, this feeling wouldn’t last more than a year or two. Then, you’d be trapped in a awful relationship, hating your husband for those flaws, and bitter that he isn’t becoming the spiritual leader of the household that he should be. The only way out would be divorce, with a lifetime of loneliness ahead of you because the Catholic Church does not recognize civil divorce.

I know it hurts now, but it’s saving you from a much greater hurt later on. Sometimes you just have to rip the band-aid off.


#3

One thing I’ve learned, is to listen to that little tug, that little voice inside. Every time I ignore that voice inside, things go downhill, and I wish I had.

Your situation seems to be even clearer: When you contrast follow your faith or get ‘what you truly want’, the only possible answer is follow your faith. Pray hard. Trust in God. God will provide.


#4

You poor thing… Your post really touched my heart - I’ve been going through a very difficult breakup with my boyfriend for very similar reasons. My ex (it’s SO hard for me to call him that!) is a police officer who was involved in a couple of fatal shootings and he bears a great deal of guilt, though he really should not feel guilty at all. I knew about the shootings before we started dating, and it didn’t bother me at all. But the longer we were together, the more and more depressed and guilty he felt until he recently broke up with me because as he says, I’m such a good person and he’s such a bad person that he doesn’t deserve to be with me.

He broke up with me about a month ago, but we continue to talk to each other everyday - that may not be the best thing for me, but he’s my best friend in the world and I can’t bear the thought of not talking to him. Like you, I pray constantly for things to work out between us. I pray for him to see himself the way that God sees him and the way that I see him. I know how painful it is to love some one so deeply and for them to hate themselves so much. I imagine that God feels that way about His children a lot.

I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with your faith in this way. I’ve often thought myself that if I didn’t try so hard to be a “good” Catholic, maybe my ex wouldn’t think that he’s a bad person by comparison. But in the end, we have to live our lives according to God’s commands, don’t we? Try to keep faith that God has a plan for your life (He says so in Jeremiah) and that if the plan includes your ex, then it will be. If you ever need some one to talk to, feel free to PM me. I know I have days where I feel incredibly alone, and sometimes it’s difficult to talk about these things with my friends and family. God bless you!


#5

Simple solution. Find yourself a male virgin - I’m sure they would want to be with you, and they certainly would not evoke feelings like those that I have bolded. If anything, they could serve as a support mechanism - you knoww, the whole “iron sharpens iron” thing.


#6

Thanks for all the responses. It seems like I’m looking for my perfect match, but I have a feeling he doesn’t exist. I just don’t know why God wouldn’t allow this to happen for me when I’m serving Him. I thought that God brought this man into my life for a reason, but apparently He didn’t.
Felicity, I’m sorry you’re going through a similar situation. Thanks for the sweet post. I’ll pray for you. God bless!


#7

I think you’re looking at it backwards. Your faith is what you should be most grateful for and want most in this world. Saying if you sinned and weren’t so faithful, makes it sound as if your behavior should take priority over your morals.

Your morals should drive your behavior. It appears that up to now you’ve lived the way you should. Please don’t lower your standards. There are too many girls out there wishing they had held to higher standards. You should be proud that you have.


#8

#9

AMEN to that! :thumbsup:

I am so sorry you are in pain over all this barlowgirl. However, if God wants you to marry someone someday, He will bring a man into your life who will make you want to live out your faith to the fullest.

What IF you lowered your standards? Would this guy really want you any more than he does now? If he is sincere in his quest to become a better Catholic, the chances of him wanting a girl with lower standards are probably slim. And this is just my interpretation of it, but perhaps he doesn’t want a relationship with any girl at the moment. Maybe he feels the need to work on himself before he pursues anyone romantically. I could be wrong but it may be a possibility.

Take it from someone who has learned a lot of things the hard way, NEVER lower your standards to please another person, especially a guy. And this goes vice versa for the guys out there.

**In all thy ways seek first the kingdom of God, and He shall direct thy paths **


#10

Maybe God brought YOU into HIS life. And the guy blew it.

When someone tells you you are too good for them, believe them.

And keep going.

Your only other option is to stick around while they do their best to drag you down to their level. Then you end up hating them and yourself for ignoring your instincts.

This guy has done you a favor by setting you free. Run like the wind. And know that you were probably the closest thing to a functioning conscience he really knew. Don’t change for the worse to keep someone. Ever.

You had this person in your life to learn some lessons about yourself… like what you really need in a man. Now you know what you don’t need. Hold out for the best. It’s out there. You’re young. There’s no clock striking midnight and the coach turns into a pumpkin.

You were put here for something great. To know, love and serve God in this world so as to be happy with Him in the next. Anyone who gets in the way of that is to be avoided.

Sometimes when you pray for something, God says no, because He knows he has something better for you than you even think you deserve. I’m kind of sad that you can’t envision anyone better than this guy. You need to get out more and meet more people.

Please do!


#11

Never apologize for ranting to you! We’re here for you.

Never, ever give up on faith because of prayers and novenas that might not have been heard.

God knows what’s best for you. Even if He doesn’t show it in a way we understand it.

Mega Hugs.


#12

So if you weren’t so pure you would be with him. That means you would be with a guy who didn’t value a pure girl. Do you really want a guy like that??? It’s not about dwelling on his past. Its about what he is telling you about his present, and seeing what a future with him would be like. You are worth so much more than that.


#13

Everything this lady says. And as callous as it sounds, meeting more people of the opposite sex does seem to have the effect of moderating the sting of getting over somebody. Rest assured, you will. You didn’t mention how long since you broke up with him, but unless you have some sort of obsessive mental illness, time and distance (not talking to him) WILL work wonders.


#14

Your post really resonated with me. I recently had an ex come back into my life after two years without any contact, only to find out that nothing has changed!

Since he was Jewish, I wondered whether my religion had anything to do with the fact that things would never work out with us. I’ve pondered and wrestled over that for two years, almost losing my faith completely, but I’ve come back to it now and am so grateful for it.

Faith seems to be a huge part of your identity, and I doubt you will ever be able to change that permanently and in good conscience. It is tough now, but this struggle you are dealing with will teach you LOADS.

Here is a wonderful prayer by Tielhard de Chardin that I read the other day that might help:

*Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
to something unknown,
something new.
Yet it is the law of all progress that is made
by passing through some stages of instability
and that may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
Let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Do not try to force them on
as though you could be today what time
– that is to say, grace –
and circumstances
acting on your own good will
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new Spirit
gradually forming in you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
our loving vine-dresser.
Amen.*


#15

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.