I met with my ex-boyfriend this weekend. We talked about what’s been going on in eachother’s lives since we broke up. I still have strong feelings for him. He told me some things that he has done that are pretty bad. He said that he regrets his past and wants to become a better Catholic. These things he told me about don’t bother me. I find it very easy to forgive people. I know that we are all sinners in need of God’s grace.
He told me that he was “jealous” of me. I haven’t done any of the things he has. He was even starting to compare me to being a nun. I’m not a nun by any means. He never said it, but I know that he doesn’t want to be with me because I’m “pure” and he isn’t. I’m not talking just sexually pure, but in the way I conduct myself in life. He told me we could never be anything more than friends.
This broke my heart. I felt like he was the one for me. I’ve prayed novenas asking him to come back into my life and for us to get back together. Now I feel like my pureness is what is getting in the way of this relationship. I know it sounds silly/stupid, but if I wouldn’t be so nice and good, I’d be with him.
I’ve always wanted to get married and have a family of my own, but at this point, I just don’t want to get married at all. I can’t imagine anyone better than him. I look past his faults and don’t dwell on his past. I’m finding it very difficult to trust God at this point and I’m just so confused in this life. I feel like I have no worth and that God doesn’t have “great plans” for me. A part of me just wants to give up on my faith, but I feel a tug that says “Don’t go.” It seems like my faith has gotten in the way of what I truly want in this world.
Thanks for reading and sorry for the rant. I just don’t know where to turn to.