Before I begin, I’m not trolling I legitimately want help with this issue and I’m begging for it. I know nothing about the Catholic church as the last time I went I was a little boy. I went into a church during mass last winter and I did so many things that could be considered so disrespectful to Jesus or God. I didn’t bow before sitting down, I just grabbed the body of christ from the guys hand, (I didn’t know you had to put your hands out), I didn’t pray, I didn’t sing, I just felt… so out of place. Like I didn’t belong there, like I’ve committed so much sin during my life and fell out of the glory of god. I didn’t belong there and I know that I don’t belong in the kingdom of heaven.
I sought a meeting with the Pastor and we met 3 days later. I confessed that I didn’t believe in god and that I’ve did so much wrong, I confessed so many different things and had so many different questions for him. Like how everyone was going to hell for being different, how so many homosexuals were going to hell (I’m not homosexual but I’m not prejudiced against them), and I guess most of all how I was going to hell for being so horrible and not believing in god due to lack of evidence.
I didn’t bring up the topic of masturbation because my mother was present but I have a feeling I knew what my pastor would have said about that (That it’s a sin I’ll have to ask him someday)
Do you know what he told me? He told me that none of those people are going to hell and that I wasn’t either. Because when we die, we get one final chance at retribution, to truly feel sorry for what we’ve done, to truly accept Jesus as our savior, and . He also said not to believe what I read on the internet because a lot of people and pastors tend to “go overboard”. He said that god was holy, he said that god was good (even greater than my mom who was and is the greatest person in my life), and that our lord was merciful. He gave me prayer beads and told me to use them and our meeting ended with me feeling better. I attended church two more times in a row and then “gave up again”. During those two times though, I learned everything I needed to learn. I made no mistakes (that I was aware of) and he welcomed me into his church like a son and still to this day misses me not attending.
This obviously is the kind of pastor we need in every single Catholic church and it’s a shame we don’t have more of them.
6 months passed and I believed his words. I then went on the internet again and of course, saw warnings about how if I didn’t believe in god I was going to hell I read stories about people who went to hell without trial or conviction. Jesus just “threw them in the lake of fire”. Then quite conveniently Jesus told them all to write books and profit from their journey to hell. Possible I suppose except for one thing. Jesus was portrayed to be this horrible prejudiced man. The Jesus that I’ve loved and learned about over the years since I was a child was unprejudiced, loved everyone, and tried to teach as many people as possible to love their neighbor as much as they loved him and themselves. He didn’t tell every single person that they were going to hell, and he didn’t command people to follow him, they followed and joined him on their own accord! Think of the Apostle who denied Jesus so many times. He later became one of the apostles! If Jesus was prejudiced and hated “different” people do you really think he would have given him that chance?
Anyway… I’m raving. I believed at that point what I read on the internet and I got scared. I talked to nobody in particular about why this was so and why this Jesus was so different than the one I was taught about so many years ago. And… he answered me. Not in vocal form but I could feel it in my heart, he was there in the room with me and I can’t explain why or how I knew it, but I did. I then confessed everything I had ever done (see below), and how sorry I was for those things, and I said it was hard for me to believe in god because there was no evidence, and that from that moment on I will try to believe, be good, and accept him into my heart as my lord and savior. There was one promise I made that day that I never fell up on but I’m trying to resolve that it’s very hard.
I then asked him if certain people were in hell and my answers were yes and no. He said almost exactly what my pastor had told me and that one day I would be able to play video games with my father in the afterlife. And that my father was a massive sinner too and one day Jesus would give him the chance my pastor talked about. He said yes and that one day I will be able to experience all of my wildest dreams with the one man who was never a father. He never gave me the light of day. . I made him promise me so, and he did.
That same night I had a dream that changed my outlook and my life forever. I was in the sky and then I could see this great big ball of light, all of my depression, all of my sins, all of my hatred was wiped away. I felt better than I had ever felt in my entire light and I knew the holy spirit was inside of me and then I woke up.
I know this was not a typical dream and I’ll explain. I have sleep apnea and have had it since I was eighteen years old. I therefore have NEVER had a dream since I was about that age. If I ever had a dream it was a nightmare of some sort and this happened probably three or four times a year. The rest of my sleep time was/is black.
This “dream” cemented my belief in god and of the holy spirit because I knew it wasn’t a dream. I knew it wasn’t
I can’t remember the 100% specifics of this other dream. I can’t 100% remember the specifics of the first one either though but what I do remember was Jesus himself came to me in this dream.