I just joined the Forum today and hadn’t intended on posting, but I wanted to offer you a word of encouragement.
I’m coming to the end (please God) of the hardest year of my life. My teenaged son has had terrible depression along with all the danger, anger and difficulty which comes along with it. I do not say this lightly; the past year almost broke me. It put terrible strain on my marriage. Similarly to you and your spouse, our problems became a chasm between us and it felt as though we were suddenly speaking different languages. I became hair-trigger emotional and my husband became curt, abrupt and impatient. We were both suffering, but showing our pain in different ways.
All I can tell you is to take each day’s challenges as they come. As Winston Churchill put it ‘When you are going through Hell; keep going’. I promise you that what you are going through will eventually pass.
In an ideal world, you might unburden your heart to your family but if they too are suffering, or simply lack the ability to help, you need to speak to someone. I found myself crying my eyes out in Confession one day to the Prior of our local Dominican church. He asked me to wait, got someone to cover his turn at saying Mass and returned to the confessional to help me. It was a shameful imposition but I so badly needed to cry out my anger and fear and - unreasonable as I surely sounded - he listened. This was his advice.
God doesn’t want nor need your duty prayers. He wants to know you in your heart. If your heart is broken, bring it to Him in its broken state. If you are angry; pour it out to Him. If you are ashamed, cool your burning cheeks with tears of repentance. Tell your heart; every dark and awful corner of it, to Him. Rail, cry, shout, pour your fury out! Be like the small child having a dreadful day who weeps his misery out sitting in his father’s lap and then allow yourself to be comforted.
If this sounds like nonsense; I don’t blame you. Had I not badly needed this advice and was on my knees with sorrow when I received it, I wouldn’t believe it either. I’ve always been a ‘ten Hail Mary’s’ kinda girl. But please, try it. Drive out somewhere in your car; pull the stopper off your fizzing bottle of emotions and pour it all out.
I have clicked the ‘accept mail’ button on my Forum membership form. I’m in Ireland; not sure where you are but if you need someone to talk to, I will listen. We can all only carry so much; put your burden down and have someone help you carry it.