This may seem a bit long but please bear with me because I really need some help or advice.
I was brought up in a family with an anglican father and a catholic mother, I was placed in the catholic school system, I rarely went to church on Sundays .Oddly enough all the people I talked to in school maybe 1 in 15 actually practised their catholic faith. This is including teachers.
I never had a strong side when it came to my faith, but I never denied that there was a God.
I just recently started going to church again, and you wanna actually know what got me going back to church? Well I was watching the show desperate housewives one Sunday, and I remember seeing a priest talking to one of the “housewives” about her affair and saying that “If you die in mortal sin, you automatically go to hell”. And believe it or not this was a surprise to me, I did not know this, thats how out of touch I was with my religion. I went through baptism, first communion, reconcilliation and 11 years of CATHOLIC school I did not know this!
Anyways, my problem is, I started going to chrch I’d say about a month or so ago, and my faith felt strong especially after confessing my years of sinning, but starting a few days ago I started losing my faith.
I recently read that one can lose his salvation from one mortal sin and nt know it, and have no chance of heaven after that. This made a huge impact on my faith, I asked myself why would a loving God knowingly take away ones salvation after committing a mortal sin, By the way I got this information from reading about Peter and how he denied christ 3 times and was told that his salvation would be lost after denying christ and he would know immediatly whe God turns his back on him “He will hear a rooster crow”. This is what has me so upset, and doubtful. Maybe i’m just not understanding this but wouldn’t this be the same today, because I was reading that you can lose your salvation and never get it back, but why would the “all knowing” God do this if he “knows” that maybe this person will realise his stupidity and return to the church.
Peter, who denied christ and then realised he was wrong in doing so and apologised for his mistakes while on his knees lost his salvation at that very moment, and there was nothing he could do to reverse it.
The very fact that someone can lose their salvation from denying christ 3 times and then repents and still loses his salvation makes me think that there is no hope for me because I am struggling with a number of mortal sins and I end up going to connfession every week because of this. I can’t go one week without committing mortal sin, and Peter commited 3 and was doomed, I can tell you that for sure without a doubt I have commited more than three mortal sins.
Didn’t Jesus die for our sins, so that we could be absolved from ALL sins that we commit, what is the point of this if we can so easily lose our salvation, what is the point if there is a point in our lives where God can completely turn his back on us?
This is something that makes me feel like I don’t want to believe in a God that can do this to his children, and in church today when we were praying I couldn’t even say “I believe in the holy spirit, the holy catholic church” because I felt like if there is a God (it pains me to even type that “If”) saying hat I believe in him when I’m not sure that I do would be like a slap in the face to him.
I wanna believe and have faith but I am really struggling with this and now I feel like the holy spirit has left me our turned his back because i’m in such deisbelif, and it feels like no matter how hard I try to believe it just doesn’t work, and I seriously do feel like God was behind me but when I have these doubts he gave up on me. And I’m terrified of this!
Has anyone on this board lost faith at one point or another or felt the way i am feeling now, and anyone turned their back on God and then returned with th belief that he will forgive you? Can anyone offer me advice because I AM DESPERATE RIGHT NOW, I know that if I die in the state of unbelief that i am in now,no matter how hard I want to believe I WILL goto hell.