I would have given a backdrop of my situation, but as I was writing it, I figured it would be too lengthy and beyond the scope of this forum. So to cut things short, a few months ago, I think God “told” me to go to the World Youth Day with my diocese during Mass and after Mass. Yet, even despite this, I faced many difficulties, ranging from the financial aspect, to the renewal of the passport. Even now, I have seemingly just lost my new debit card (I have no idea how that happened!) and I need it to purchase the train tickets to get to the airport. With the exception of the present difficulty I’ve faced, I’ve overcome all of the other difficulties on the way. The finances were sorted with just a few days to spare. My renewed passport arrived 4 days after I prayed to the Divine Infant Jesus of Prague. Hopefully the present situation follows suit and is too resolved.
My main issue is whether God even “called” me to go. I think He did, but now I’m not sure. For instance, my mother keeps saying things along the lines of “I really wish you didn’t go”. It’s important to take this into context - she’s quite paranoid over the welfare of her children, even more so in this case that they are abroad on their own. I wouldn’t say she is a fully catechized Catholic as she has many Protestant biases from her past association with Pentecostalism. But that’s a different story. She said, “if God told you to go, why didn’t He appear to me [her] in a dream and tell me He wanted you to go”? She also rhetorically remarked, “did God appear in front of you and tell you He wanted you go”? Another thing she doesn’t know is that I’ve forked out quite a lot of money over this (although my parish helped). Sometimes when I’m walking, I think to myself: Was I even called to attend, and I paint this mental picture of God being subtly angry and shouting “You were never called; it was all in your head”! That said, on the contrary, I believe God spoke through my priest once - “Don’t worry. I really want you to go. It’ll be very beneficial for you, and I strongly believe you should go. Take care”, or somewhere closely along those lines.
I think God speaks to me, but it’s hard to describe. It’s like, I get this “thought” in my head. No visions or whatever. Just a series of logical deductions of some sort. It’s embarrassing for me to talk about this, so please bear with me. I don’t enjoy speaking about it because it makes me appear crazy, but I’m not crazy. We don’t have mental illness running in our family. I just know that sometimes God tells me to do something, and I have to do it. For example, I missed Mass for a certain reason for about 2 weeks. Then one week God told me to go to the next Mass on Sunday. How little did I know that when I attended the next one, a Mass was being said in my honour for my trip to the World Youth Day, and I was to get a special blessing from the priest!? I would have missed it had it not been the case, and it would have been shameful to both me and the priest.
Is this really all in my head? Does God speak to me? It would be very upsetting if I wasn’t called at all to the event, as it would mean I’ve wasted so much of my time, effort and money on the event.
Please offer advice or personal experiences you have. Preferably, I don’t want comments such as “see a spiritual director”. I don’t feel I need to have one, and frankly, I don’t want to share this with him. This is something I don’t really want to talk too much about.