I need help with major problems

I do not know where to start, but i will do the best i can

I was born and raised in a protestant household, but i was still baptized into the Catholic Church as an infant at the request of my Catholic side of the family. all my life up until i was 18 i have felt completely distanced from God without any form of connection. It was not until my family joined a pentacostal church that i began to take my faith seriously. Jumping around, It felt like i was truly justified in the sight of God, and that he was hoveeing over me and taking care of me. Eventually as i was growing my “faith” i eventually ended up going down the rabbit hole of discovering the church fathers and church history which was completely devastating for me because it had completely anhillalated my whole foundation of belief in which gave me “fullfilment” and peace of mind. It is at this point that i almost regret discovering church history, because ever since discovering them i have not had an emotional sense of “fullfilment” or “peace” that i did under the false delusions of pentacostalism, and wish that i was still in the “matrix” sort of speak. I have been attending a Catholic parish for nearly 2 years. I feel as though despite everything, i do not have a firm foundation of faith . I pray the rosary almost daily and am on the 24th day of St. Louis De Monfort’s 33 consecration to the Blessed Virgin Mary, but i feel as though these things decinigrate right before my eyes and that everything that i do is meaningless. Even before coming to catholicism, since i was 14 or so, i have been suffering to this day from depression, suicidal tendencies, etc, on an up and down basis, on top of a massive porn addiction that is still occuring.

Another separate event is also adding to my current turmoil as well,

I met a woman at a different parish in which i immedietly developed interest towards her. I got to know here quite a bit on the basic level while still having an attraction towards her, enough to the point were i believed that she would be good wife material and would have constant fantasies about being with her. I did not attend her parish often because i had higher obligations to my own. Then one day, the worst thing happened to me. She ended up in a relationship with someone else. So there it is; the person who was perfect for me, the one who would have had completed me on this journey through life, ended up being with someone else. And i immediately figured that this was complete wrath from God that she was given to someone else because, even though i was originally meant to be her man, was given to someone else more virtuous than me because i have sinned and failed to fullfil my obligations of purity, and therefore was not good enough and had her go elswhere by the hand of God against me. My parish is very far away from where i live and the only people i have access to for personal issues are my past pentacostal contacts, in which they tell me that “God has a plan for me and another spouse for me”, in which i think this is completely delusional and relies on false, sinful hope and imagination.

Is there any encouragement that anyone can give me at this moment to be optimistic?

First, I note that you posted the exact same post in Prayer Intentions awhile back. I understand that Prayer Intentions is for prayers only and this is for discussion so I reckon it’s okay that you posted it twice even though we don’t usually encourage duplicate topics.

Second, before we launch into this discussion about Catholicism and this woman who you think is “perfect” for you, I take it you’ve decided the priesthood is not for you and now you’re looking for a woman to date and marry? (I see also you mentioned the lengthy porn addiction that you’re still working on.)

I will be honest - if you’re still working through a “massive porn addiction that is still occurring” you’re probably not in great shape to be entering a relationship with a woman. You should be concentrating on getting your porn addiction under control and then being open to meeting and dating more than one woman and not just deciding that you are somehow “Meant to be the man” of a girl you happen to meet and like. I doubt you were meant to be anything to this lady right at this minute other than a friend, and it doesn’t sound like God gave her to you and took her away - you simply never had her in the first place. She is not yours, she never was.

Please work on developing realistic attitudes towards dating and relationships because this post to me suggests you are living in a fantasy world. You didn’t even know this girl well enough to know if she would “complete” you on your journey through life.

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This isn’t clear to me. You live in a parish, right? Are you saying that the parish where you attend Mass is not the same parish where you live?

I think you are fantasizing about the reason why the woman you were interested in ended up in a relationship with someone else. These things happen all the time. There’s no need to see it as divine intervention, punishing you for your sins.

My suggestion is: talk to a priest as soon as possible.

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First of all, God created you and He loves you.

It is unclear to me if you have regular access to your parish and access to regular confession and Sunday Mass.

You can make an appointment with your priest and have a discussion with him about all you mentioned in your post.

Also, if a therapist is needed, be sure to find one who believes in the Catholic faith so you are not led astray.

I will pray for you.

PS - Ask about a group you can join to aid you in getting out of porn…such as groups that help people out of alcoholism.

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You do not really know that you were “meant to be together” do you? Clinging to that idea may make you sorrowful. My mother used to tell me when I was grieving a loss that there would be someone else, but it did not really make me feel better. I learned that there is abundant mercy and redemption. Christ promised to be with us forever. The key to overcoming sin is to willingly cooperate with grace – no matter how many failures – as some things are addictions (which are involuntary) and take time to become free from them. Sometimes people will try to “self medicate” for mood disorders with addictions, but these do not resolve the mood disorders. Patterns of correct thinking have been helpful to people, such as identified by cognitive psychology. (See The Feeling Good Handbook, by David Burns. M.D.)

Fierce Temptations
One day, Catherine conceived a great yearning for the virtue of fortitude. She had a spiritual encounter with Christ, who explained that she would gain this virtue through certain trials that would soon visit her. The trials were temptations to lust that beset her night and day. Vivid images filled her mind, as devils pestered her continually. She responded by incessant prayer and penances such as fasting, vigils, and scourging her body. The apparent absence of Christ compounded her struggles.
She complained to him, “Lord, where were you when my heart was so tormented?” Jesus responded, “I was in the center of your heart.” Catherine wondered how it could be, as impure thoughts engulfed her mind. Jesus asked if the thoughts gave her pleasure or pain. She told him that the thoughts caused her pain and sadness. Jesus then explained to her that it was because he was in her heart, that these thoughts were painful and not pleasurable. He told her that he defended her throughout the ordeal. St. Catherine offers three helpful lessons for the tempted: remember God’s presence, live austerely, such as by fasting from excessive food.
1 Corinthians 10:13… “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

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