I do not know where to start, but i will do the best i can
I was born and raised in a protestant household, but i was still baptized into the Catholic Church as an infant at the request of my Catholic side of the family. all my life up until i was 18 i have felt completely distanced from God without any form of connection. It was not until my family joined a pentacostal church that i began to take my faith seriously. Jumping around, It felt like i was truly justified in the sight of God, and that he was hoveeing over me and taking care of me. Eventually as i was growing my “faith” i eventually ended up going down the rabbit hole of discovering the church fathers and church history which was completely devastating for me because it had completely anhillalated my whole foundation of belief in which gave me “fullfilment” and peace of mind. It is at this point that i almost regret discovering church history, because ever since discovering them i have not had an emotional sense of “fullfilment” or “peace” that i did under the false delusions of pentacostalism, and wish that i was still in the “matrix” sort of speak. I have been attending a Catholic parish for nearly 2 years. I feel as though despite everything, i do not have a firm foundation of faith . I pray the rosary almost daily and am on the 24th day of St. Louis De Monfort’s 33 consecration to the Blessed Virgin Mary, but i feel as though these things decinigrate right before my eyes and that everything that i do is meaningless. Even before coming to catholicism, since i was 14 or so, i have been suffering to this day from depression, suicidal tendencies, etc, on an up and down basis, on top of a massive porn addiction that is still occuring.
Another separate event is also adding to my current turmoil as well,
I met a woman at a different parish in which i immedietly developed interest towards her. I got to know here quite a bit on the basic level while still having an attraction towards her, enough to the point were i believed that she would be good wife material and would have constant fantasies about being with her. I did not attend her parish often because i had higher obligations to my own. Then one day, the worst thing happened to me. She ended up in a relationship with someone else. So there it is; the person who was perfect for me, the one who would have had completed me on this journey through life, ended up being with someone else. And i immediately figured that this was complete wrath from God that she was given to someone else because, even though i was originally meant to be her man, was given to someone else more virtuous than me because i have sinned and failed to fullfil my obligations of purity, and therefore was not good enough and had her go elswhere by the hand of God against me. My parish is very far away from where i live and the only people i have access to for personal issues are my past pentacostal contacts, in which they tell me that “God has a plan for me and another spouse for me”, in which i think this is completely delusional and relies on false, sinful hope and imagination.
Is there any encouragement that anyone can give me at this moment to be optimistic?