Oh boy, where to start? There’s just so much.
First let me start by saying that I realize there is a real spiritual war going on for our souls. And that Satan pulls no punches.
I have always believed in transubstantiation and with my recent reversion and coming back to the Catholic church, and from what I have seen, I don’t just believe, I know, deep in my gut and my soul, that the Eucharist is THE body and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. I assure you, there is NO doubt for me.
A bit of history. I have been lapsed for nearly 20 years. I have made attempts to “come back.” But there was always something that kept me away. I noticed too a pattern. When I’d start a class to get confirmed (I was baptised Catholic and have had first communion) my life would get, how do you say? Tumultuous. The only way I could describe it would be that, once I’d stop attending Mass or church, things would calm down.
And it happened again! Recently, I learned of the opportunity to confirm May 31st, and that a church here in town was having a 4 week adult confirmation class. It was truly by God’s grace I called in time to get my name on the list. This was like, 4 days before the first class.
But as always, things cropped up. My boyfriend and I argued more about religion, although we actually do agree and see eye to eye. I’d get grumpy or angry or self righteous (even the boards here, I’m terribly sorry and have been trying to refrain), or just other … crud (I am trying to clean up my language too ) that I know were I to stay away things would “calm down” and life would be “easier.” I hate to admit this, and I have gone to confession about this and am now in a state of grace, but even recently I have been taking communion while NOT in a state of grace. :eek: Like I said, I have confessed that and all other sins. So I’m good.
I’ve had a serious wake up. And I don’t mean just a spiritual awakening. Through us (me and my boyfriend who is Byzantine Catholic) receiving communion again it’s like, I didn’t just wake up, (as I did several years ago, actually) but I’ve had a light TURNED ON for me about Christ. I broke down and cried that I had denied myself communion over stupid trivial things and I was so sad to have missed receiving communion for nearly 20 years. I was MOURNING that loss. The good news is that I am receiving communion now.
Okay, all of that being said I can get into the latest … battle. I guess because I don’t just believe, but I know that communion is the body and blood of Christ, and I am receiving him while in a state of grace, I have yet another evil thought that I have not been able to shake, that I feel so awful for having, that even prayer hasn’t been able to get rid of it. It’s like it’s just NEEDLING me.
Remember, keep this “spiritual war” idea in mind when I mention what is going on.
After I took communion, while in a state of grace and all my sins confessed and penance completed, later that afternoon a horrible thought came into my head. I can’t even begin to express the horribleness of it and the evil… feeling to it. I just feel so awful.
The horrible thought that came into my head was this: “How can a God, have his people eat his flesh?” I want to cry right now thinking about this. The thought comes with a very evil bent, a horrible … voice behind it. I had the thought again on Monday to the point that I got nauseated, physically ill, just thinking about taking communion. Yeah, part of what is behind that one question is the idea of cannibalism. I KNOW that’s not what we do. I cried about this horrible thought in my head that my boyfriend really tried to console me.
One, prayer has not been able to shake this needling question. The wretchedness behind it.This question is not putting doubt in me, but it’s making me ill, physically ill. There’s a quieter, just as sinister voice behind it saying, “If you don’t take communion, you will not be eating your god. And you won’t feel ill and all of this will stop.” I just know this is another attempt to keep me away from communion.
Has anyone else gone through this? How do I get rid of this? I know I need to speak to a priest about it. I don’t think I am even adequately expressing just how awful I feel about this. The sinister feeling and voice behind that question that I have not been able to shake. It’s also very scary.