I need help
I have always believed in God. I am Catholic, was born in another country, always have loved and respected the church, have felt (even though I have sinned) that the Spirit of God dwells in me, that he has protected me and that many, many times his justice has been made true in my eyes and in that of my family. I consider myself a person that seeks purity of heart, of thought, and of action. I seek selflessness and love above all else always. I seek true beauty and I seek the Spirit of God with all my heart, humbling myself before him all that I can and more, because He deserves it, and because my sins are all too horrible, and only He can forgive them. I have always feared God’s judgement.
The story of my life has been beautiful up to now. I have been blessed with intelligence, gentleness, and strength of character. I always loved going to church, praying my heart out to God, feeling his mercy, and letting go of all that was evil and unholy. The chants which I heard in church when I was a kid in my country of origin I can still remember, they fill me with joy and hope. I developed since early a love for architecture (especially religious) for music, for science, for knowledge of all that is good, for wisdom. I grew up in a household that was all too pure of heart, even in the most precarious of conditions, and my parents were never too slow to punish evil and teach a good lesson, never too slow to forgive and give love to build me up. God has given me the greatest gift of having the most loving parents, the best grandma, and a beautiful family. I have always been spiritual in nature and conscious of my place as a person who fears God always.
After I came to the US with my parents and brother, we have all grown to love this land and have prospered thanks to God, who, even though we have been wronged once and twice and many times during this time, has made justice EVERY TIME, assuring us of his mercy and his power.
However, due to my own horrible actions and perversions, I did some things a short time after I arrived (at a very short age) that were not fond of praise and were just disgusting. I developed a habit for pornography that has stayed with me for a long time already, but which I could easily suppress and go on with life as usual, as long as I knew nobody else knew about it. I cannot give out all details, but it is just horrible. I continued with my life even though I had these demons in my conscience. I would go to church and repent of my sins, but I would go back and (feeling the thrill of breaking a rule) I would find pleasure in this horrible sin. However, I would control my thoughts and have no trouble hiding everything else as long as I had a will to keep it a secret, or ignore it. Or so I thought.
Certain pains and troubles my family suffered during my High School years strenthened my belief in God and my dwelling in His Spirit. Justice was made on the part of my parents (after a long time) for wrongdoings by certain “friends” of theirs, and many, many proofs of His mercy, His good will, and His love were made clear before my eyes and my parents’. I felt that, even though we were going through the most horrible and depressing of times, there was still hope, and I felt assured that God would make justice and put each and every one in their rightful place. I grew in love for God and for prayer. I sought always to learn more of anything that I could. I have always been fond of knowledge, and expanded it with ease. I felt I had nothing to fear because the Lord was with me, but I always had the creeping fear of my secrets, which were always in my conscience and of which I couldn’t let go… I got used to ignoring them, and asking God for forgiveness and to forget and assuage my feelings of despair.
I began to get closer to God, and even though my family and I failed to attend mass as we should have, I sought to listen to chants and to study church teachings, history, facts, etc. I spent entire days praising God and His Spirirt through sacred music, and I felt I had nothing to fear. I wish I could put into words how faithful I felt. Nothing really compares to just waking up in the morning having the freedom of knowing that everything is allright, that you are in your rightful place, able to praise God under your own will and in a clean spirit. I began slowly to feel desperate about my sins and to feel a need to disclose of them. I sought this with my best friend, but I could only say so much about myself and my sins. I cried just for disclosing some emerging separation between my parents. However, I returned again and again to praising him wherever I was, reminding myself that he had made so many beautiful works in my life, I cried just listening to sacred music, standing outside, looking at the stars, admiring His Holy works, feeling His mercy and power, His love. I knew that I needed his love and his mercy because I have done horrible things which have burned my mind with horrible images.