I need hope and mens' opinions on my post below on respecting my husband


#1

I wrote a post on having problems respecting my husband and mentioned a few incidents of abuse. I would like the input of men or others on how there is hope for us.


#2

Some ideas how to have Hope In Marriage.
Number one ** keep God as the center of your marriage and your life. Do this by knowing and reminding yourself Who God is. God is Love. If God is the center of your life, follow His example and love your partner. Separate what he/she does from who he/she is.
Does
It is okay to criticize, with love,
what ** a person says or does if the criticism meets the requirements of being 1) TRUE, 2) Necessary to prevent sin or accomplish good and 3) Loving. If any one of those conditions are not present then pray in the silence of your heart.
Is
It is not okay to criticize who a person is for to do so is to critcize not the person but the Creator who is perfect and who tells us all people are not only good but rather very good.

Number two keep Good Orderly Direction in the center of your thinking. Do not do what is another’s responsibility. As posted in your other thread, give loving input to decisions and then support the person responsible for the actual decision. Do not second guess or be critical if ‘human’ rather than malicious mistakes are made. Could you imagine if two people started planning a banquet without consulting or planning with each other? When in conflicting positions, input your position with love and pray for God’s guidance. Remember too many cooks, (people trying to do another’s job), spoil the broth or banquet.

Number three is HOPE
Jesus is the Helper Of People Everywhere. He is the HOPE in whom we trust. There is power in His name. Use the ejaculatory prayer Jesus, Emmanuel, Save Us Sinners to avoid sin when tempers are short or conflicts arise.

Above All when in doubt PUSH! PUSH your Wife or your husband or yourself! PUSH means Pray Until Something Happens! Pray until the way of God is revealed for you.

Hope there is some help here.


#3

[quote=John-the-Seeker]Separate what he/she does from who he/she is.
.
[/quote]

So what you are saying is that it is ok to have a spouse abuse you (physcially or verbally)???


#4

**So what you are saying is that it is ok to have a spouse abuse you (physcially or verbally)???
Today 02:43 PM **
Nope, I would never say that. That would not be Christian would it? Did you notice that my opinions were addressed to both parties? It takes two to make a fight and two to make Peace in my opinion. A marriage is a joining of three, The Trinity wifey and hubby make three. Prayer and trust in God eliminates many dangerous situations but may leave trials and tribulations.


#5

[quote=marcsababa]I wrote a post on having problems respecting my husband and mentioned a few incidents of abuse. I would like the input of men or others on how there is hope for us.
[/quote]

My advice is that no one should ever insult their spouse, even jokingly. It is poison. You should look to build up your marriage. Insults tear it down.

Solomon said:
[font=Garamond]It is better to live in a corner of a roof
Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
[/font]
In fact, that one saying is in Proverbs twice - chapters 21 and 25.

As other’s have said, you can criticize (not nag about) behavior. If he doesn’t put his laundry in the hamper, don’t say “you are such a man”. Say, “I don’t like it when I have to pick up your clothes on the floor”.

On the other hand, compliment freely. It will go a long way to showing your husband you respect him.

As for abuse, it is completely unacceptable. If he makes any abusive actions you need to leave immediately for your safety. You mentioned that he said you make him do it. That is classic abuser behavior to blame the victim. The pattern for abuse is that it escalates without intervention.


#6

Men need respect the way women need love and affection.

Women love to get flowers and be romanced, and you’re more likely to get these things if you don’t treat your husband like he’s stupid. (This should be easy to understand–is a husband likely to receive physical intimacy if he treats his wife like she is unattractive and unloved?)

If you want your man to enjoy your company, remember that you are not his mother. He’s a grown man, and its not your job to correct him on insignificant things. (Most wives wouldn’t enjoy the company of a husband who acts like her father.)

Limit yourself to five complaints and demands a day. If you’re not counting, you’re over the limit. (most wives have little patients for complaining and demanding from their husbands, so this should also be easy to understand.)

Husbands make lousy girlfriends.

Don’t try to read his mind. I sometimes get in trouble because my wife thinks she read my mind, and franky, she read it wrong every time.

He can’t read yours. Many women have the romantic notion in their heads that “if he loves me, he’ll know what i’m thinking” and when he doesn’t, it is considered proof he doesn’t love her. It may happen in soap operas, but in real life no one can read minds.

Try to keep your feelings in check. Some wives I’ve talked to sometimes get offended at that, but as a married man who has grew up in a household with 3 women, I am certain of its importance. Women whose emotionality goes unchecked wreak havoc on those closest to them. (To make it more fair, no one argues that men need to keep their physicality in check. Men too easily can become violent or be sexually promiscuous if they don’t keep their physical drives in check. Men and women are different, and at times have different tendencies that they should watch. Emotionality hapens to
be women’s).

Try to resist correcting him. This is important just not for the respect factor, but for your own emotional well-being. First, you’ll be lessed stressed if you’re not trying to fix him. Second, and most importantly, it will increase emotional intimacy–if he knows he can talk to you without being pounced on, laughed at, mocked, etc., he’ll be more likely to share his feelings with you. that is something many women say they crave.

there are many good relationship articles and books and crosswalk.com, and sandraaldrich.com/.

I hope this “male perspective” made sense. Men think “respect” and women think “love.” I like trying to reverse it in terms of those languages. I think if many husbands would think about the reverse in terms of respect, and women would reverse it in terms of love, it is easier to understand.

Best wishes. I hope this helped a bit. Post more or PM me if there is anything more I can do.


#7

Good other thread:

forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?p=1204964#post1204964


#8

[quote=John-the-Seeker]**So what you are saying is that it is ok to have a spouse abuse you (physcially or verbally)???
Today 02:43 PM **
Nope, I would never say that. That would not be Christian would it? Did you notice that my opinions were addressed to both parties? It takes two to make a fight and two to make Peace in my opinion. A marriage is a joining of three, The Trinity wifey and hubby make three. Prayer and trust in God eliminates many dangerous situations but may leave trials and tribulations.
[/quote]

It may take two to fight, but that’s not what she’s talking about. It only takes one to make an attacker! IF she is a victim, respect goes out the window. She should not stay in an abusive relationship just to try and “honor” or “respect” her husband. The Church does not require you to anyway.

Marcsabab: If this man is physically abusing you, leave. You can try to help him from a distance. You don’t have to abandon him if that’s why you are not gone yet. You don’t have to be a victim.


#9

My goodness! I don’t quite understand why the pat advice for every act of physical violence is to leave. This seems like overreacting if you ask me.

There’s a difference between a slap on the face, a hit to the shoulder, and an all-out beating. Likewise there’s a difference between a one-time occurrence and regularity.

Also, it’s possible that this man simply has limits. For example, man and wife are having a dispute. He feels his anger welling up inside. So he removes himself from the situation (the right thing to do) and heads downstairs. His wife is not satisfied and follows after him harranging him. He fumes some more, and goes outside to split some wood. Still not satisfied, his wife continues after him. So he goes into the garage to change the oil. And she’s right behind him spewing her venom. Finally he feels that he has no more safe-havens left and his back against the wall. Not having the gift of quick words he uses his physical advantage to get her off his case.

Please, I’m not saying that this is the case here, I’m just drawing a scenario where some violence is not necessarily grounds for leaving.


#10

There is no excuse whatsoever for him getting physical with you in any way. You have the right to demand he seek counsel with you on that. But - DO NOT INANY WAY EVER imply to him that he is the only one that needs fixing! Tell him that because you love him that you want to be a better wife, mean it when you say that that is as important to you as wanting him to be a better husband.

You, however, seem to be really lacking in love for him as regards his income. I am sure that he would like to know that you love and respect him regardless of his net worth financially. That is just greed pure and simple.

Now if he is off spending it on himself in lavish ways while you and the kids go without food - O.K. But if it is just that YOU think he has a greater earning capacity, well, that seems really really selfish on your part.

How would you feel if he berated you for not having the perfect fugure, or keeping the perfect house or… Look for the values in your husband that are more important that his wallet. WHen you find them - and they are there_ Tell him how much you respect him for those things.


#11

Thank you for everyone who responded.

I know it is difficult to see the situation in its fullness from a brief paragraph so people were giving advice based on their own extrapolations of the info I gave.

Perhaps not surprisingly the most helpful were the people who gave me the truth and it did hurt, but thank you I know the Holy Spirit was at work here.

I have spoken to my husband about all of this and he and I are together in wanting to work things out.

He understands my fear of losing him if things got into a bad pattern and I would have to separate from him to keep me from a hospital and him from jail.

I especially thank the poster who pointed out that my worrying about him not acheiving his full income potential is rude and just like him berating me (he does not do this) for not being a perfect housewife or have a perfect figure.

There were many other points I will probably print out and review with my program of life daily.

I thank you men for speaking out for one of you. I want to change and treat him better. I will do it with the help of God.


#12

I should add, that my scenario is not to be taken as an “excuse” for violence. In this case the violence is not justifiable, however, I believe there is plenty of hope for the marriage and that “leaving” is not the appropriate course of action. Yet on these Catholic forums I am frequently astonished at how quickly, and with how little information, women are counceled to head for the door.

So, Yes from the information I’ve read there is a ton of hope for your marriage. And the best news you’ll find is that a lot of it is “your fault”. I’ve learned that the best problems in my marriage are the ones that are “my fault”. It’s so much easier to change myself and consequently remedy the problem.

Interestingly, I’m also learning that by working on the “my fault” parts, I’m beginning to be able to cope with those problems that are “her fault”. Not that they go away or that I enjoy her problems, they just seem smaller.


#13

I agree with you about the silliness of the suggestion to leave.

I thank you for your level headed arguments.

Having problems with a desire to control it is indeed a great thing to find many things that are “my fault”. I can control those things.

God Bless you

Let us pray for all our marriages.


#14

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