I need opinions ASAP! Help!


#1

Okay I know this dilemma isn’t exactly earth-shattering but it’s causing major crazy-pregnant-woman tears because I don’t know what to do.

Some of you might remember me posting about some family issues concerning my mom. My mother decided to cancel the baby shower that was originally planned with friends and family, after getting angry with me and deciding to stop speaking with me. This was back in November.

Plenty of people asked about the cancelled shower and I just explained we decided not to have one after all. However, my feelings were very hurt about it and I had a few cryfests with my husband about just generally feeling disappointed. I remember him saying something like, well honey can I throw you a shower? And I was like, NO I don’t think you understand the whole concept behind baby showers… and he doesn’t. The whole bridal shower thing was foreign to him too, back when we got married a couple years ago.

This afternoon I get a phone call from two of my lifelong best friends who are like, “okay so we’re throwing you a surprise baby shower but we decided we needed to let you in on it in order for you to register and give us info about people to invite who aren’t in our circle!” which totally took me aback. I had just had several other friends over for dinner this past week and they had all asked about a baby shower and I had said, no, we’re not having one, no big deal. So I for whatever embarrassing reason started crying on the phone, with my friends, and just saying don’t worry about, I’ve already told so many people to forget it, that it’s such a point of contention now because my mother has basically ruined the whole idea of a baby shower. They’re like, oh don’t worry we’ve already told a few girls that you just don’t know what’s really going on and that we are definitely having a shower for you. So at that moment, my husband walks in the door and is like, why are you crying!! (I’m still on the phone.) And I’m like, oh I just feel weird about E and R wanting to throw me a surprise baby shower. And immediately I could tell by his face that he was totally in on it and knew exactly what the conversation was about. And I was like, have they been talking to you? And he was like, uh… and then my friends are like, well we needed him to get numbers out of your cell phone and stuff. So anyway I was like, I don’t know about this I need to talk to my dh. So I hang up and my dh is like jumping around saying how he knew this would make me so happy. And I was like, what exactly is going on???

So finally he’s like, well I just emailed them and told them how sad you were about your mother canceling the baby shower and asked what we should do to cheer you up. And I was like, WHAT? DID YOU SUGGEST THEY THROW THE SHOWER FOR ME?!? And he’s like…visibly confused…‘uh, I don’t think so, I just said you were sad and what were their ideas to make you feel happy about the baby coming…?’ So this went on for awhile, with me being crazy and crying and him being like, “their response was that they had just been thinking how they wanted to throw you a surprise baby shower” and I was like, yeah right, you basically asked them to do it! Anyway, now he’s disappointed and mad at me and completely confused because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong, and I feel like he basically ASKED for a shower for me by telling them I was sad about it being canceled–and then including a question about what to do to make me feel better.

I mean how can I accept a baby shower that my husband basically asked them to throw? I am just so conflicted and it’s over something so stupid, and all these people are trying to be so nice, but now I feel like since he started the ball rolling I can’t accept it. I’m supposed to call my friends back and tell them if it’s okay to go ahead and I don’t even know what to say now that I know my husband initiated all of it. I KNOW he had the best of intentions and I KNOW he has no idea that husbands aren’t supposed to try and figure out a way to get a shower for his wife. He said his intention was not to even suggest a shower, he was thinking of having a “baby party” and having lots of friends over just to celebrate a new life, but it turned into this and he thought I’d be ‘so happy’…

What should I do??? He says if I tell them no I don’t want it that I’m being ungrateful but that’s not it, I just feel awkward since HE’S the one who put all this in motion and not them. I’m sure if I asked them, they would claim to have been already thinking about it, but I’ll never know and what if I’m accepting something they don’t sincerely want to do? My husband says I’m being insane.


#2

Accept the shower. Your husband wants it for you. Your friends want it for you.

Be gracious.

My husband says I’m being insane.

You probably are. But it’s perfectly acceptable given you are pregnant. :wink: It’s good practice for the insanity that your kids will cause you when they get older.


#3

I know that I have the sweetest husband in the world who literally lives to make me happy but it’s so embarrasing to me that he, in his good intentions, basically asked my friends to step in…


#4

[quote=Princess_Abby]Okay I know this dilemma isn’t exactly earth-shattering but it’s causing major crazy-pregnant-woman tears because I don’t know what to do.
[/quote]

Be grateful you have a husband and friends who care so much about you that they want to give you what any first-time mom looks forward to.

Be sure they send an invitation to your mom, even if she doesn’t come (I know, I know: I had a poisonous mother, too. It’s just something you have to live with and manage.)

Cyber-hug, Princess.


#5

[quote=Princess_Abby]I know that I have the sweetest husband in the world who literally lives to make me happy but it’s so embarrasing to me that he, in his good intentions, basically asked my friends to step in…
[/quote]

Do you think if you didn’t have a mother that they might have done this for you anyway – without your husband’s hint? I’ll bet they would.


#6

You told your husband that he couldn’t throw you one, so he got help. I don’t think he did anything wrong. Think of it as the three of them in cahoots :slight_smile: They *are * your two lifelong best friends, after all, hey? They’re like your sisters (only better, from what I’ve read about your blood sisters :eek: ). So your THREE best friends are throwing you a shower, so what’s the problem? I really think this is a hormone-induced reaction on your part (and there’s nothing wrong with that either!!).

But… I would NOT invite the mom, or anyone who made problems with your original shower plans. They’ve already wrecked one shower, and I wouldn’t even let them know when or where it is. Learn from their past behavior and let your three best friends in the whole wide world take care of you :slight_smile:


#7

You poor doll. Your hormones may just be clouding some of the issues here.

OK–you’re “technically” correct about the social faux pas of a husband asking friends to throw a shower for his wife. HOWEVER…you’re being hyper-technical.

CLEARLY his concern was with your hurt feelings and disappoinment over the original shower proposed then cancelled by mommy-dearest. It was not a mad grab for loads of baby gifts. Your friends (and you are lucky to have such wonderful, loving and supportive ones) are clearly not feeling put upon or resentful–but WANT to do this for you. Let them. Graciously and gratefully. And give your sweet, well-meaning, fumbling husband a huge hug for loving you so much that he’s willing to violate the laws of Emily Post to see a smile on your face again!

p.s. and perhaps the obligatory invite to the grandmother-to-be could be sent via Mongolia so she doesn’t show up and ruin the fun?! (sorry–with one of my own like yours I couldn’t resist)


#8

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: I *hear *ya, Island!


#9

[quote=Princess_Abby]Okay I know this dilemma isn’t exactly earth-shattering but it’s causing major crazy-pregnant-woman tears because I don’t know what to do.

So finally he’s like, well I just emailed them and told them how sad you were about your mother canceling the baby shower and asked what we should do to cheer you up. And I was like, WHAT? DID YOU SUGGEST THEY THROW THE SHOWER FOR ME?!? And he’s like…visibly confused…‘uh, I don’t think so, I just said you were sad and what were their ideas to make you feel happy about the baby coming…?’ So this went on for awhile, with me being crazy and crying and him being like, “their response was that they had just been thinking how they wanted to throw you a surprise baby shower” and I was like, yeah right, you basically asked them to do it! Anyway, now he’s disappointed and mad at me and completely confused because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong, and I feel like he basically ASKED for a shower for me by telling them I was sad about it being canceled–and then including a question about what to do to make me feel better.

I mean how can I accept a baby shower that my husband basically asked them to throw? I am just so conflicted and it’s over something so stupid, and all these people are trying to be so nice, but now I feel like since he started the ball rolling I can’t accept it. I’m supposed to call my friends back and tell them if it’s okay to go ahead and I don’t even know what to say now that I know my husband initiated all of it. I KNOW he had the best of intentions and I KNOW he has no idea that husbands aren’t supposed to try and figure out a way to get a shower for his wife. He said his intention was not to even suggest a shower, he was thinking of having a “baby party” and having lots of friends over just to celebrate a new life, but it turned into this and he thought I’d be ‘so happy’…

What should I do??? He says if I tell them no I don’t want it that I’m being ungrateful but that’s not it, I just feel awkward since HE’S the one who put all this in motion and not them. I’m sure if I asked them, they would claim to have been already thinking about it, but I’ll never know and what if I’m accepting something they don’t sincerely want to do? My husband says I’m being insane.
[/quote]

I will assume that it is only because of the stress, hormonal changes, and any other emotional issues attached to being pregnant that you are reacting the way you are.

In short, get over the pity party. People are trying to do something nice. Don’t act like a complete jerk.

Whatever you and your mother got into, that was then and this is now. There is nothing that I know of in Emily Post, or any other authority of manners, which says that a baby shower can only be given by the (to be) maternal grandmother.

Your friends and your husband have seen how upset you were (and appear to still be) about whatever occured between you and your mother. They are trying to do something nice, in a very non-judgemental way, for you, your baby and your family.

If you want to be upset about whatever occured between you and your mother, that does not give you the right to punish everyone around you. Rejecting their baby shower has no purpose other than to punish them for what you perceive your mother did, and would appear to be a way of playing “oh poor me, everything about giving birth to this baby is ruined”.

No one wants to hear that record. It is time to quit playing it.


#10

You’re off base, OTM. My embarrassment is exactly what Island Oak detailed–that my husband, who will directly benefit by me receiving items we’ll use for the baby, basically asked my friends to throw a shower and therefore buy us gifts. It has nothing to do with my mentally ill ‘mommy-dearest.’ I think you missed my point entirely.

But to the rest of you–thanks for making me laugh and thanks for the input! :slight_smile:


#11

My understanding of etiquette is that it is inappropriate for close family to throw a shower for a family member because it looks like the family is soliciting gifts. So it would have been less appropriate for your mother to hostess the shower. How much nicer to have your friends offer to have a shower for you! Lucky you. And that is all that counts. If anyone thinks it is inappropriate, they can politely decline the invitation. (Though I am sure that won’t happen because your friends will be so pleased to honor you and your baby.) So relax, be gracious, and enjoy your shower. And go easy on DH–his only motive was love.


#12

Well, I wouldn’t “technically” look at it as he asked them to throw the shower. We all know that guys can’t “throw” a shower, so after discussing it with your friends how much your mother upset you, they probably ALL came up with the idea that they could throw you one and ok’d it through your husband. Afterall, he kind of needed to know that someone was throwing you a shower in case someone else decided to do it for you…

Years from now you will laugh at this. I think it’s your hormones. One minute you’re laughing the next you’re crying (the joys of being pregnant). Be grateful you have these loving friends that are truly concerned about your happiness…they are really hard to come by. Trust me, if they didn’t want to give you this shower you deserve, they wouldn’t. That’s what TRUE friends are for…This reminds me of something my grandfather used to say “Women…they are there when you need them…and they are still there when you don’t.” :smiley:

Good Luck and keep us posted!


#13

Princess_Abby,

Honey, you are so hormonal right now. Your husband really didn’t mean to ask your friends to give you a shower, he was just concerned :slight_smile: .

Like others have said, let your two (3) bestest friends give you the shower you deserve - all your other friends just needed someone to put it together and are more than willing to give you the gifts :yup: .

Chances are that your two best friends would have asked your husband how you were doing and he would have said (being a guy) that you were sad that your mommy-dearest was being, well, mommy-dearest-y in not giving you the shower and voila, the idea to do it themselves would have popped into their heads if it wasn’t already there.

So, enjoy the friends you have, let us know when the “surprise” shower is and we will all be there in Spirit!

Cyber-hugs from a mommy who wishes one of her daughters would get married so she could give a Shower!

Brenda V.


#14

Abby, I’d be willing to bet that your friends had already been thinking of and wanting to plan a shower for you. Good friends are just like that. And just from the little I know of you,*** I*** wanted to throw you a shower because you deserve so much better than the run around you got with your family! Me, who hardly knows you, and that’s the first thought that jumps in my head…now think about how much more your friends have probably wanted to do this for you especially since they know you so well, love you no matter what and want the best for you!And I hear what you’re saying about your husband, but even if something like that might be seen to others as trying to score gifts, this is with your friends. That’s probably the furthest thought from their minds, in my experience. It sounds like your friends and your husband genuinely want to celebrate and make this whole experience a joyful one for you.


#15

[quote=ReginaNova]My understanding of etiquette is that it is inappropriate for close family to throw a shower for a family member because it looks like the family is soliciting gifts. So it would have been less appropriate for your mother to hostess the shower. How much nicer to have your friends offer to have a shower for you! Lucky you. And that is all that counts. If anyone thinks it is inappropriate, they can politely decline the invitation. (Though I am sure that won’t happen because your friends will be so pleased to honor you and your baby.) So relax, be gracious, and enjoy your shower. And go easy on DH–his only motive was love.
[/quote]

No, you’re totally right. It was actually a mutual family friend of both my mother and I–who happens to be my mother’s age–who was TECHNICALLY throwing the original shower, but my mom was the one with all the addresses (of family and my close friends) and sent out the invitations, and she is also the one who uninvited the family members and sent out the cancellation. But the hostess slot on the invites listed the mutual friend. It was their joint project but my mom was running the show, even if keeping it barely in the bounds of ettiquette. :slight_smile:

All these technicalities are giving me a massive headache! :slight_smile: The reason I felt so awkward before I even knew dh’s role in all of this, and yes he is so loving and sweet to be contriving up ways to make me happy, is because the shower has been on, then off and now supposedly back on again and meanwhile I had recently told so many people it was definitely off. Then to find out there was a surprise shower in the works and all of these people are scheduled to get more invitations this coming week…I was just sort of like, ahhhhhhhh. Anyway. Then added to my lovely husband happily telling me his bright idea, I flipped out a little. :slight_smile:

One of the two best friends I mentioned just gave me another call and was like, “okay, because I know you so well and I know your husband has probably just happily informed you of his emailing me, I want you to know very definitively that this has been in the works for the entire last month, and your hubby only involved himself within the last week. We were getting ready to either tell you about it or tell him about it because we knew we needed contact info for people we simply don’t know very well–but, then your dh emailed me and it was perfect timing.” I had to laugh again because yes, she DOES know us so well and I was glad to talk about my concern and make sure this isn’t something she feels obligated to do or anything like that. She reminded me of how long we’ve known each other and that of course she would be throwing me a shower regardless–and actually told me she had a tiff with my mother several months ago because SHE wanted to host the shower and my mother insisted her friend do it–but anyway, I felt better.

Anyway she told me to think about it tonight and not to feel bad and also mentioned an alternative of waiting til the baby is born to let others see her and meet her? Hmmm. Has anyone else done that?

The other issue is that she said she was planning on skipping my family altogether and only including my youngest sister (the one who isn’t brainwashed by my mother) and my neice’s mother. She (and my husband) and my other friend think it would cause much less of a problem if my mother wasn’t ‘on the scene’ and we didn’t embarrass her by inviting all my cousins and that sort of thing, just plenty of friends. That sort of sounds perfect to me…what do you all think?


#16

I think that is a VERY good idea!! Keep everyone away from you that will make you uncomfortable and enjoy YOUR shower. Remember, no matter what you do it will probably tick your mother off, so I would do whatever I had to to make myself happy… Sometimes you can’t win with some people no matter how hard you try!! :wink:


#17

Under the circumstances, making the shower mostly friends will be much less stressful. After all, this is all about your dear friends and their being there for you.

I just can’t believe your mother would cancel the shower and uninvite everyone. What a horribly hurtful thing to do to her own daughter and grandchild. You poor thing.


#18

[quote=ReginaNova]My understanding of etiquette is that it is inappropriate for close family to throw a shower for a family member because it looks like the family is soliciting gifts. So it would have been less appropriate for your mother to hostess the shower. How much nicer to have your friends offer to have a shower for you! Lucky you. And that is all that counts. If anyone thinks it is inappropriate, they can politely decline the invitation. (Though I am sure that won’t happen because your friends will be so pleased to honor you and your baby.) So relax, be gracious, and enjoy your shower. And go easy on DH–his only motive was love.
[/quote]

These were my thoughts as well, Abby. I agree with mercygate, too. I would send invites to your mom and other family members who are being nasty to you. In this way, nothing more is added to make your poor family situation worse. My guess is they will all decline their invitations, or won’t answer at all.
I can’t believe you’re almost due!! Remember, that’s what this is all about!! A baby shower is to honor you and your new baby. It’s such a happy occasion. There aren’t too many other occasions that are as happy—so, go ahead and party!!!


#19

Your husband is a wonderful caring person for doing that for you!
Mine is like that as well. When he sees sometimes that I get
disappointed, he will do things to comfort me. Try to accept the
loving thing he has done for you. Enjoy yourself, and have fun
with the girls. As for your mom, try having a talk with her when
things calm down a bit. If my hubby called my friends, and told
them I was a bit sad, and wondered what he could do to cheer me
up, I’d be elated! It shows how much he loves you, and cares for
you, and is concerned for your well being. :o :thumbsup:


#20

Well, I’m just happy your DH and friends are doing this, cause I was afraid I was going to have to drive up there and throw you a shower myself :slight_smile: I really am no good at showers, the games make me insane -

Give that man a hug for me, and get off the computer, you have to go get a cute maternity outfit for your shower, and practice looking surprised :slight_smile:


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