I need prayers and advice


#1

There is this girl I am good friends with that I am still attracted to. I tried pursuing her romantically but she expressed that she wasn’t interested in me. I’ve been praying for the grace to get over her and still haven’t. I suspect that she might now have a boyfriend and I am filled with sadness over it…luckily the guy is a holy, devout Catholic so that is good news. But otherwise I’m pretty sad about it. I could use prayers but I could also use advice on how to get over this girl. I just wanna be able to be friends with her without the romantic attraction anymore.

I guess I’m also upset that I am a complete failure with women. I can’t ever seem to make it work with them and I might as well give-up entirely. It seems like nothing will ever work out for me.


#2

I wish there was some quick and easy fix I could tell you about to help you get over this girl but there isn't one. :( Time and space are the only fixes I am aware of and it sucks I know I have been there before. But I will keep you in my prayers that you will get through this and be friends with her again without the extra feelings.


#3

The best way to get over a girl is to meet another girl, second best way is to significantly reduce the time you spend around her.


#4

[quote="flyingfish, post:3, topic:196739"]
The best way to get over a girl is to meet another girl, second best way is to significantly reduce the time you spend around her.

[/quote]

The first option is certainly possible. As pessimistic as I am about romance I do have some girls in my life that are prospects and I shouldn't be so hard on myself. As for the second option that's not really possible due to the fact that we work together quite often.


#5

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:4, topic:196739"]
The first option is certainly possible. As pessimistic as I am about romance I do have some girls in my life that are prospects and I shouldn't be so hard on myself. As for the second option that's not really possible due to the fact that we work together quite often.

[/quote]

Work together as in at a job where you work for money?


#6

[quote="flyingfish, post:5, topic:196739"]
Work together as in at a job where you work for money?

[/quote]

No, in our church's choir. And frankly I have no intention of leaving anytime soon. Although she'll be gone for a good couple of months so that'll help.

And to add insult to injury I had a dream last night where I was attending their wedding reception and now I'm miserable :( :shrug: I'm really starting to hate this stuff. If it keeps happening like this I'll end-up angry, miserable, and extremely cynical.


#7

Sometimes you simply cannot be friends with a girl you once liked or dated. Not everyone can. But if you want to get over her, as flyingfish said… you either meet another girl, or just keep yourself busy with other activities and hobbies. If you are doing things and busy you won’t be thinking about her that much and enough time will pass to realize she doesn’t matter that much.

There you go, don’t get so worked up over things. You are still in school and young. It isn’t the end of the world if you are single during this period of time. Use this to your advantage and do things that you enjoy or will make you a more desirable/better person.

Don’t let being single bother you to the point where it affects your well being. There are so many aspects of life that can be enjoyed whether you are single or not. Live life, don’t let being single affect you to the point where it just makes things harder for you and you end up in a downward spiral.


#8

I guess the other problem is the fact that so many people have these organic relationships with the opposite sex that are so beautiful and natural and which easily turn into romance. Me? I don't seem to have a good track record with this.


#9

That may be true, but my suggestion would be to just let things progress naturally. You don’t always have to try for a relationship with every girl you find desirable. Just spend time with them and give them reasons to like you. Some many just remain friends and maybe 1-2 will turn into something more.

You said in previous posts that you are an introvert, so it will naturally take you a bit longer to get to know someone and for them to get to know you. Don’t try to rush things. It’ll happen at its own pace…sometimes when you don’t even realize it is at all.


#10

The first objective in successful dating is to learn to be happy without a date.
The first objective in successful dating is to learn to be happy without a date.

If one is not happy alone, he becomes needy. Needy is a turn off for healthy women. The only women who like needy men are the women who also like to control and manipulate them.

If one requires another person to be happy, it is called codependency. It is a huge problem.

A codependent man cannot accurately judge the suitability of a prospective long term partner. His vision is clouded by his need. He will stay in relationships way too long because of his fear of unhappy loneliness.

Codependent men often put women on pedestals. It is an unhealthy place for the woman and not a safe place for the guy either.

Happiness comes from within. Another person, place, or thing will not make anyone happy.


#11

[quote="MtnDwellar, post:10, topic:196739"]
The first objective in successful dating is to learn to be happy without a date.
The first objective in successful dating is to learn to be happy without a date.

If one is not happy alone, he becomes needy. Needy is a turn off for healthy women. The only women who like needy men are the women who also like to control and manipulate them.

If one requires another person to be happy, it is called codependency. It is a huge problem.

A codependent man cannot accurately judge the suitability of a prospective long term partner. His vision is clouded by his need. He will stay in relationships way too long because of his fear of unhappy loneliness.

Codependent men often put women on pedestals. It is an unhealthy place for the woman and not a safe place for the guy either.

Happiness comes from within. Another person, place, or thing will not make anyone happy.

[/quote]

MtnDwellar has read my mind.

I think you need to find out some things about yourself and really grow and mature before your ready to date.


#12

But how? I already have a good idea of what my problems are and a basic idea of how to deal with them. I found-out the other day that I am capable of being confident, happy, and peaceful in and of myself. But just these little things happen that ruin my whole day or put me in a bad mood. Overall this past semester has been very good for me and not only have I figured-out many different things in my life I have also found myself being more at peace, more confident, and happier. It’s just the reversion to past ways of thinking that don’t help any. I am capable and have been able to be confident…I just have these issues with reversion that I don’t know how to fight.


#13

My brother, I mean no offense in saying this, so DO NOT read into it with meanness-I don’t know you, so all I have to go on is your posts. That’s both a positive, and a negative. Positive because since I don’t know you personally, I can perhaps tell you something you don’t want to hear and not worry about losing a friendship, negative because I don’t know you completely, your pretty much a stranger-again, this is just my impression of you. Please don’t take it too personal.

I get the sense from your posts that your a bit insecure, and sort of needy-you seem to seek advice and re-assurance alot, and that can be a major turn off and, simply put, a pain in the butt. Yes, forums like this are made for advice and growth, but sometimes we just need to make a decision and move on, without seeking counsel from everyone.

Again, do NOT take it with meaness or cruelty. After all, it’s just my opinion.


#14

I agree. Very well said!!!

Things take time. Changes don’t happen over night. You seem like you are moving in the right direction, but if something like a dream, or seeing friends with girlfriends/boyfriends, or not really hitting it off with anyone at a party, etc gets you really upset, then you aren’t fully there yet.

Girls (and guys) can sense negativity/depression/needy, etc. It is an immediate turnoff. Negativity is contagious, in the same manner as someone who is friendly and upbeat. You see people who are really happy and friendly attracting all sorts of people because people want to be around them, they are like magnets. Negative people push others away in the same fashion a person who is positive attracts them.

Your posts lately have been of the negative sort. You harp on how you are terrible with women and how you would be lucky to ever find a spouse. That particular mindset is what gets you in difficulty in the first place.

Don’t even worry about dating until you are really happy with the things going on in your life and feel good about yourself and everything.


#15

But I’m getting there. I’m starting to learn that if you work at things they get better.

Girls (and guys) can sense negativity/depression/needy, etc. It is an immediate turnoff. Negativity is contagious, in the same manner as someone who is friendly and upbeat. You see people who are really happy and friendly attracting all sorts of people because people want to be around them, they are like magnets. Negative people push others away in the same fashion a person who is positive attracts them.

Your posts lately have been of the negative sort. You harp on how you are terrible with women and how you would be lucky to ever find a spouse. That particular mindset is what gets you in difficulty in the first place.

Part of the problem is that I was always mocked, made fun of, and made to feel stupid for much of my childhood and that cannot be easily erased. At least I know about it but it will not go away easily and might be stuck with me forever. So it’s not easy for me to be confident or remain confident; it takes much more effort than it really should.

Don’t even worry about dating until you are really happy with the things going on in your life and feel good about yourself and everything.

I agree with the latter part of this and I feel I’m getting there. I really object to the first part, though, as I would still like to pursue dating regardless. Everything is a process and I see no point in waiting around for some arbitrary point to come around before dating again.

No offense or anything, of course.


#16

I suffered from codependency. I went to meetings. They helped.

I am sure that the changes occurred slowly, but I had a sudden revelation regarding women.

One day it was like this -

Hey!!!......They like ME. This changes EVERYTHING!!! :D


#17

For me, after many attempts at failed relationships, I decided that I needed to do some work because I was incapable of doing it right. I took a self-imposed one year moratorium on dating. I broadcasted it. I told my friends and anyone else as the situation warranted.

It was a wonderful year. :slight_smile:


#18

[quote="MtnDwellar, post:17, topic:196739"]
For me, after many attempts at failed relationships, I decided that I needed to do some work because I was incapable of doing it right. I took a self-imposed one year moratorium on dating. I broadcasted it. I told my friends and anyone else as the situation warranted.

It was a wonderful year. :)

[/quote]

While I'm personally unwilling to take a moratorium on dating I am willing to work on myself. Ideas on where to start?


#19

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:18, topic:196739"]
While I'm personally unwilling to take a moratorium on dating I am willing to work on myself. Ideas on where to start?

[/quote]

1) Find some guy friends who you can confide in to, face to face.

2) If your insecure, or think you might be, find or start a hobby your good at, and have that help you.

3) Pray

4) Make your own choices. Stand by them.

5) Pray

6) If your still insecure and needy, fake happiness and security.

7) Be happy. Men and women like hanging out with happy people.

8) Pray.


#20

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:18, topic:196739"]
While I'm personally unwilling to take a moratorium on dating I am willing to work on myself. Ideas on where to start?

[/quote]

No idea. The first place that I started is with the moratorium. I needed to first admit that I was fundamentally lacking the qualities and attributes needed to form a healthy relationship. Basically, I hit a bottom. Once I admitted that I couldn't do what I wanted to do, dating was not an option. If a person's driving skills are inadequate, should he continue driving knowing that he may injure himself or others? That's how I looked at.

You are probably not at the point that I was at. You probably don't need what I needed. Notice that up until now my posts were all third person. I don't even know you and cannot even attempt a guess at what you need. I just threw out some thoughts and my personal experience, in case you or anyone else can relate.


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