I need some advice.


#1

Im 21 years old, i met this guy who is only a year older than me last year, we met at the youth group i was in. When we started talking everything was good, then it slowly got bad we acted like two little immature kids who didnt know how to handle dating, we became kissing friends, it seemed like we were in a relationship when we werent. He always told me at that time he didnt want a relationship that he wasnt prepared, and yet i was still there by his side. around february of this year he told me he no longer had feelings for me and liked someone else. We stopped having communication for about a month or so when one day I was going to be an actor for the procession at our church i was practicing one night when he came and said he wanted to talk to me. He said he was sorry apologized and asked for a second chance, i accepted the second chance making it clear some things were going to change, i didnt want the kissing friends, i wanted a solid healthy relationship. We were in a relationship for about 5 months, i broke up with him twice, and i always came back. Now we have decided to be kissing friends again, but its eating me inside. I feel guilty dirty and not worthy but I just dont know what to say to end it. We dont have sexual intercourse thank god, and because im still a virgin but we have done other things i dont want to mention. I feel embarrassed with myself, and that i have let myself down and god. I know the mistakes I've done, and the things i need to change. I just cant seem to find the power to end it im scared of hurting him, im scared of him hating me, but i just cant do this to myself i have someone who loves me for who i am and thats god, ive never been a bad daughter, but this is just something that i want to run away from. I know i will find that person who is worthy of me who will respect me but more importantly who loves god first. I just dont know who to approach him, I've already done it the first time where i talked to him and told him i didnt want to do this anymore because i felt i was disrespecting myself, and he said yes and came out with that he loves me and cares for me but that he respected my decision, but i missed him so much that i looked for him. I want to be able to end it once and for all, close that chapter of my life and never come back to it. Ask god for strength to never ever go through a situation like that. Does anyone have any ideas, anything that can help me i would really appreciate it. & may god bless you all.


#2

Yeah...break up with him and don't look back.

It's easier then you are making it out to be. You know this isn't right so just stop seeing him.

He doesn't want a serious relationship...if he did he wouldn't have been treating you this way.


#3

You might have to change Churches or leave the youth group. Since your contact with him seem to have come from the Church and even if you finally break it off with him, if you still see him at Church, this is probably continue the cycle again. You don't need a yo-yo relationship and God probably has better things than this guy dumping you then coming back when there is no one else. Maybe moving and changing will put you in contact with the one you might marry. That would be my advise to you since you did ask.


#4

This guy has problems in dealing with mature relationships and in order to feel safer he chooses to use people like you instead of being an equal. The best solution is to dump him because he will not do anything to protect you, he will just harm you and he needs to grow up before he gets into another relationship.


#5

[quote="jazz91, post:1, topic:302095"]
Im 21 years old, i met this guy who is only a year older than me last year, we met at the youth group i was in. When we started talking everything was good, then it slowly got bad we acted like two little immature kids who didnt know how to handle dating, we became kissing friends, it seemed like we were in a relationship when we werent. He always told me at that time he didnt want a relationship that he wasnt prepared, and yet i was still there by his side. around february of this year he told me he no longer had feelings for me and liked someone else. We stopped having communication for about a month or so when one day I was going to be an actor for the procession at our church i was practicing one night when he came and said he wanted to talk to me. He said he was sorry apologized and asked for a second chance, i accepted the second chance making it clear some things were going to change, i didnt want the kissing friends, i wanted a solid healthy relationship. We were in a relationship for about 5 months, i broke up with him twice, and i always came back. Now we have decided to be kissing friends again, but its eating me inside. I feel guilty dirty and not worthy but I just dont know what to say to end it. We dont have sexual intercourse thank god, and because im still a virgin but we have done other things i dont want to mention. I feel embarrassed with myself, and that i have let myself down and god. I know the mistakes I've done, and the things i need to change. I just cant seem to find the power to end it im scared of hurting him, im scared of him hating me, but i just cant do this to myself i have someone who loves me for who i am and thats god, ive never been a bad daughter, but this is just something that i want to run away from. I know i will find that person who is worthy of me who will respect me but more importantly who loves god first. I just dont know who to approach him, I've already done it the first time where i talked to him and told him i didnt want to do this anymore because i felt i was disrespecting myself, and he said yes and came out with that he loves me and cares for me but that he respected my decision, but i missed him so much that i looked for him. I want to be able to end it once and for all, close that chapter of my life and never come back to it. Ask god for strength to never ever go through a situation like that. Does anyone have any ideas, anything that can help me i would really appreciate it. & may god bless you all.

[/quote]

You are experiencing what many people have gone through before you. In my case, time passed and the wound healed, and in those several years I grew in my faith, I met my future spouse. It helped alot that I had gone through what I had, and learned from it when the right one came along. I benefitted from my previous situation and the time I had to grow in my faith as a single person. I think it also made me a better and more understanding parent. It was worth it all, and I trust it will be for you as well. By the way I have learned that shame is healthy but once a sin is forgiven you must let the shame go and rejoice in the Grace of Absolution. God Bless, and have faith in the Guardian Angel God has given you, that is a trustworthy friend in all times.


#6

The "I like you as a person and friend and I like feeling close to you when we fool around but I'm not ready for a relationship" is one of the oldest lines in the book, and its a huge warning sign that heartbreak will follow. Don't ever, ever fall for that or let someone do that to you. When people do that they do it because they know that the other person has strong feelings for them and they can manipulate those feelings by giving false hope for a real connection and maybe even a relationship in the future to get what they want. Sometimes they want sex, other times its status, it can even be companionship as they look for someone they really want to be with, sometimes it may be even something more materialistic, but they are out to get something.

If this is a position that you keep finding yourself in and you don't know how it happens or you don't have the will to pull yourself out you really need to look in to counseling. People can only manipulate your feelings for them to hurt you for personal gain when you like them more than you like yourself.


#7

In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Our Father...
Hail Mary...
Amen.


#8

[quote="BlueEyedLady, post:6, topic:302095"]
The "I like you as a person and friend and I like feeling close to you when we fool around but I'm not ready for a relationship" is one of the oldest lines in the book, and its a huge warning sign that heartbreak will follow. Don't ever, ever fall for that or let someone do that to you. When people do that they do it because they know that the other person has strong feelings for them and they can manipulate those feelings by giving false hope for a real connection and maybe even a relationship in the future to get what they want. Sometimes they want sex, other times its status, it can even be companionship as they look for someone they really want to be with, sometimes it may be even something more materialistic, but they are out to get something.

If this is a position that you keep finding yourself in and you don't know how it happens or you don't have the will to pull yourself out you really need to look in to counseling. People can only manipulate your feelings for them to hurt you for personal gain when you like them more than you like yourself.

[/quote]

Amen for BlueEyedLady's advice. Don't let him take advantage of you! He told you he didn't want a relationship. Take him at his word and move on. You deserve someone better than a "user".


#9

All your responses have helped and i thank you so much, and i have actually have decided and changing churches, and the only reason why i havent done that is because im actually in another small group of adults with a priest that has helped me a lot and i love that church just the priests that are there, they are wonderful people who make you feel welcomed. i stopped going to the youth group because the coordinator of the group and others where talking bad about me for no reason but i might just have to do that because once i tell him i no longer want any connection with him i will need time, time for myself and focus on my studies and my family and time to heal and never repeat this same mistake ever again & be able to forgive myself for doing all this to myself. :(


#10

[quote="jazz91, post:9, topic:302095"]
All your responses have helped and i thank you so much, and i have actually have decided and changing churches, and the only reason why i havent done that is because im actually in another small group of adults with a priest that has helped me a lot and i love that church just the priests that are there, they are wonderful people who make you feel welcomed. i stopped going to the youth group because the coordinator of the group and others where talking bad about me for no reason but i might just have to do that because once i tell him i no longer want any connection with him i will need time, time for myself and focus on my studies and my family and time to heal and never repeat this same mistake ever again & be able to forgive myself for doing all this to myself. :(

[/quote]

After you tell him it's over:

1) Unfriend him on FB. 2) Block his number on your phone and Skype 3) If he tries to text or call you, ignore it, and DO NOT respond in any way 4) If he shows up at your house or work, tell him if he doesn't leave you will call the police.

And go to confession. Don't dwell on your sins, just take them to confession and let them go after being absolved. Thank God it didn't get any further than this. Always keep in mind that you deserve more than being some guy's "kissing friend." "Friends with benefits," I have heard it called.

It might hurt short-term, but trust me, it hurts much worse if you let it go on and on.


#11

[quote="jazz91, post:9, topic:302095"]
......and time to heal and never repeat this same mistake ever again & be able to forgive myself for doing all this to myself...... :(

[/quote]

Dear Jazz, thank you for sharing your story. Please know that you are NOT ALONE you are in a situation that millions have gone through. I will pray for your strength. What concerns me too is how hard you are being on yourself. You were in a yo-yo relationship for several months, kept your virginity and now have decided to move on. There is nothing wrong with that dear one! Praise God that you kept your virginity you are stronger in faith then most!

If you did some things that you are not proud of or that may have been sinful, then take those to confession. Otherwise take a deep breath, and Jesus will help you let go. It hurts, I know but you obviously are a person of solid moral character and deep faith so am certain you can do this! Letting go of relationship s and dreams can be painful but clearly you can see this is the path that you need to take. God bless you I will pray for you.


#12

[quote="jazz91, post:9, topic:302095"]
All your responses have helped and i thank you so much, and i have actually have decided and changing churches, and the only reason why i havent done that is because im actually in another small group of adults with a priest that has helped me a lot and i love that church just the priests that are there, they are wonderful people who make you feel welcomed. i stopped going to the youth group because the coordinator of the group and others where talking bad about me for no reason but i might just have to do that because once i tell him i no longer want any connection with him i will need time, time for myself and focus on my studies and my family and time to heal and never repeat this same mistake ever again & be able to forgive myself for doing all this to myself. :(

[/quote]

you will be in my prayers. you are young and have a great future ahead of you. This will only make you stronger and sometimes the hardest person to forgive is oneself. Take care, you will be alright.


#13

to the last two comments thank you so much. Those words mean a lot to me, and its true its harder for me to forgive myself because ive let myself down, i know im worth so much more but its hard because it's taken me a year to get out of this situation and every time i had the opportunity i kept coming back thinking things would only get better but that isnt love. But thank you i really appreciate your words. :)


#14

From my own experience (as if any experience were needed to validate this), a relationship with someone you like is not worth a rift between God and you. The latter relationship is the most important one in your life. Sometimes the other ones must end for this reason. Keeping a guy is not worth offending God, just like it was a stupid idea for me to accept things I shouldn't have accepted or do things I shouldn't have done, me being the man in my story. God comes first. Don't feel bad about hurting someone by refusing him something that he doesn't have the right to have and isn't helping him become a better person either. It is harming both him and you because premarital relations and those things that don't rise up to the name but are still wrong, hurt the people who do them. So don't. It's really better when you don't, even though it feels like an impassable difference. You can make the step, with God's help, and you can find yourself in a place where you won't be looking back. As for that guy, wish him the best and the best for him is not to obtain the satisfaction of his wishes (or even his hurt feelings) but what's good for his soul. Now you aren't judging what's good or bad for his soul, but God has given us some clear words on this. And He did that because He loves us and wants better for us than we sometimes want for ourselves (which goes equally well for you and your boyfriend).

Also, it feels better to be single and have no one than to be dealing with the wrong kind of requests from someone you care for. I can tell you this much from experience. I am no fan of going through life without that specific female companionship, and I take break-ups really hard (because for all the tough talk I'm really a softie), but I can tell you it's nowhere near as upsetting as dealing with demands you know you shouldn't be giving in to. I did give in, I made a couple of such requests too, and I regret all of it. Ending a relationship or going without one, while not very pleasant of course, is well worth not going there again. Plus, be optimistic. There are mean who are on the same page with you in terms of what should and what should not be done on dates. You are not confined to a couple of less than good choices. You may just simply need to be more active than otherwise.

Be well!


#15

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