I need to find HIIM

I’m 35 years old, and the days that changed my life. This is my story, I hope you can get through it.

Oct 17th 2016 I had open heart surgery to fix my aorta with valve sparring The surgeon was happy throughout the entire surgery, everything was normal, and after 4 hours of fixing the dilated aorta and saving my valve the job came to introduce blood back into my heart, make sure it was all functioning as it should, and sow me up. Then it happened. my left side decided it was not going to start contracting. There was no reason for it, so after 3 hours of trying to get my left ventricular operational, the surgeon decided to put me in ICU and wait the following day to see what the options were.

The next day, he decided to attempt a triple bypass in the attempt to get blood flowing through it, and to possibly get it beating and contracting. Still it did not start. So back to ICU I went. The next day, he sent my file to over 100 CV surgeons, across the country, and within the hospitals, and none of them had any idea what had happened after reading the surgical report. I was an anomaly, they had no reason, explanation, or idea why my left side failed, and continued to do so. The LVAD team in the hospital offered to implant an LVAD. However, it was a gamble because LVADS aren’t used to do 100% of the work. usually LVAD patients have some kind of output in the left side. mine would be doing 100% of the work. They could not guarantee this would work, if it didn’t, I wouldn’t leave the operating table. It was simply, this either works, or he passes.

It worked, and I was put in ICU… my body couldn’t cope and I went into a 2.5 month propafol coma. The delirium was so bad, I now have PTSD and often question if this is real or if I’m back in ICU still. The delirium I experienced messed my mind up.

Once I came out of it, I went up to recovery, where I spent a month before I went home…although I wasn’t and still don’t remain the same person.I had so many hopes, and dreams for this life. I always thought I’d do something amazing, I don’t know why, but I did. I always imagined myself as someone who one day would do something great, when in fact, I have done nothing and achieved nothing and now…I am where I am. waiting for a heart, or death. even with a heart, ill be a 35 year old heart transplant patient who likely wont make 50.

I have no meaning…my mind and sanity has been brutalized by the delirium in ICU, my body is tired, so tired, i just want the end to come. Its funny, how life turns out. I don’t want this anymore…I want my normal life back. I want to be normal…but the fact is, i’m going to die, I know I wont make transplant…i feel it…my mind has given up, but my body hasn’t.

I just want to scream…but instead I just breakdown. But mainly I want to find HIM…I’m terrified…I am not Catholic but want to be…I cant enroll in RCIA because im in and out the hospital
all the time…will a priest make an exemption and baptize me?? I need to become Catholic before this takes me, and I need help find HIM…I dont know how to give my utter faith and trust over…

if anyone can offer some advice i really need it.

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It’s pretty amazing you have come this far!You ARE only young with so much ahead of you…don’t underestimate
your potential ,it may have changed but you are so valued by God.i wonder if instead of going to RCIA classes ,if they could come to you?Are you able to talk to a priest at the hospital?
Take care and God bless…you’ll be in my prayers.

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thank you greenfields. It feel like HE gave me this burden and i cant carry it…its just to heavy.

there is a catholic priest at the hospital but i’m nervous to talk to him… i don’t want to be pushed away…I have never thought of asking if they would come to me…thank you !!


He’s the right man in the right place,no need to be worried to talk to him:)
You’re welcome

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The priest at the hospital should be able to arrange something for you. Usually the hospital priests are very good at what they do.
I’ll pray for you.


You would need a priest to confirm this but from your description it seems by any rational analysis you are ‘in danger of death’. Almost any validate by a priest licit in these circumstances including, I would have thought, baptism and anointing of the sick. Just ask the chaplain.

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Dear looking for peace1,
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s very obvious that God wants you on this earth for a reason; or he would have taken you home. Try to contact a Priest at a Church in your area. Explain the situation & tell the story you have shared here. There are exceptions that can be made in circumstances such as this. You may be able to take private lessons in the Rectory & also study under care. Your story is an inspiration to all. God wants you here. Remember; seek & ye shall find. Feel free to PM me. I’ll be praying for your health & recovery. God bless.

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Call a priest or have a family member call a priest and briefly explain why it is so important he comes to see you in the hospital ASAP. Praying for you.

Hi, One thing I can relate to your story is about delirium and how it takes a HUGE toll on your body. I had delirium when I had MRSA and it was THE worst experience. I thought truly I would end up crazy. I was in the hospital a MONTH as well after this passed and went home.

Give yourself some time. It took me a good 6 months to get better just from that issue and you have other issues as well. It’s too early to determine you will feel this crummy forever. Rest as much as you can and give your body time to heal.

I am so sorry you have so much going on and pray you will feel better in the near future.

I would speak with a priest for sure and ask him your questions. I would think they would be extremely helpful given your circumstances.,

God Bless.

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