I’m 35 years old, and the days that changed my life. This is my story, I hope you can get through it.
Oct 17th 2016 I had open heart surgery to fix my aorta with valve sparring The surgeon was happy throughout the entire surgery, everything was normal, and after 4 hours of fixing the dilated aorta and saving my valve the job came to introduce blood back into my heart, make sure it was all functioning as it should, and sow me up. Then it happened. my left side decided it was not going to start contracting. There was no reason for it, so after 3 hours of trying to get my left ventricular operational, the surgeon decided to put me in ICU and wait the following day to see what the options were.
The next day, he decided to attempt a triple bypass in the attempt to get blood flowing through it, and to possibly get it beating and contracting. Still it did not start. So back to ICU I went. The next day, he sent my file to over 100 CV surgeons, across the country, and within the hospitals, and none of them had any idea what had happened after reading the surgical report. I was an anomaly, they had no reason, explanation, or idea why my left side failed, and continued to do so. The LVAD team in the hospital offered to implant an LVAD. However, it was a gamble because LVADS aren’t used to do 100% of the work. usually LVAD patients have some kind of output in the left side. mine would be doing 100% of the work. They could not guarantee this would work, if it didn’t, I wouldn’t leave the operating table. It was simply, this either works, or he passes.
It worked, and I was put in ICU… my body couldn’t cope and I went into a 2.5 month propafol coma. The delirium was so bad, I now have PTSD and often question if this is real or if I’m back in ICU still. The delirium I experienced messed my mind up.
Once I came out of it, I went up to recovery, where I spent a month before I went home…although I wasn’t and still don’t remain the same person.I had so many hopes, and dreams for this life. I always thought I’d do something amazing, I don’t know why, but I did. I always imagined myself as someone who one day would do something great, when in fact, I have done nothing and achieved nothing and now…I am where I am. waiting for a heart, or death. even with a heart, ill be a 35 year old heart transplant patient who likely wont make 50.
I have no meaning…my mind and sanity has been brutalized by the delirium in ICU, my body is tired, so tired, i just want the end to come. Its funny, how life turns out. I don’t want this anymore…I want my normal life back. I want to be normal…but the fact is, i’m going to die, I know I wont make transplant…i feel it…my mind has given up, but my body hasn’t.
I just want to scream…but instead I just breakdown. But mainly I want to find HIM…I’m terrified…I am not Catholic but want to be…I cant enroll in RCIA because im in and out the hospital
all the time…will a priest make an exemption and baptize me?? I need to become Catholic before this takes me, and I need help find HIM…I dont know how to give my utter faith and trust over…
if anyone can offer some advice i really need it.