I need to forgive MIL but I'm too angry!


#1

My MIL has really upset DH and I and I just can’t seem to let go of my anger.

MIL has always seemed to have an issue with me. I’m not sure why. I’m a very shy, nonconfrontational type. I have always tried to be kind to her although I never really opened up to her.
When DH and I found ourselves unexpectedly expecting, she accused me of getting pregnant on purpose to trap him (we were engaged at the time). This really hurt my feelings but I moved on. She continued to put us down to her other children as we did not want to move in with her though we are poor. (I told DH my sanity was worth the price of monthly rent).
Still, I wasn’t happy about all this but I really wanted to work on our relationship as you’re stuck with your husband’s family for life! I guess I wasn’t as friendly as I could have been.

Anyways, recently DH and I announced we were having a baby shower. MIL gave me a list of 15 or so women from DH’s side of the family to invite. My Mom took a while to get the invites ready. MIL called about 2 week ago to complain that she never got an invite (shower is not until May 3rd, invitations didn’t go out until last Friday). She went on to say that we don’t want to be part of her family, that we never call her, that I’m always ignoring her, etc.
She said we were disowned and she was never speaking to us again. Later, we find out she has called every person on her side of the family who was invited to the shower and told them that we don’t care about them, we like my family more etc. Now none of them are coming to the shower even though my Mom spent time and money preparing for them.
She called DH today and told him to pick up whatever he had left in her house by Thursday. She told him if I came near the house she would make me cry.
I’m just so angry, I want to scream and throw things at her! I need to be the bigger person and try and extend the olive branch for the sake of my baby who deserves to know his grandma, but I’m just so upset and angry I never want to see her again! DH says he never wants to talk to her again too.
The anger I feel is more harmful to me than it is to her. Letting her get to me is just making me more miserable. How can I forgive this woman?


#2

**I’m sorry this is happening. The one thing that stood out to me is, do you really want your baby to have that kind of grandma? If she can treat her own son this way then how do you think she’ll treat a grandchild? I am NOT saying to cut her off completely, but from what little you state she seems to be all about herself and creating drama. Consider yourself very lucky that your hubby can see what is happening and isn’t stuffing his head down in the sand pretending his mom is perfect and YOU are the one with the problem (like so many threads on here!).

Pray for her and keep the door open if she is willing to apologize. Until then, focus on your family and that precious baby you are nurturing! The best way to get rid of that anger is to put your focus elsewhere. Choose to be positive (I know, MUCH easier said than done…)**


#3

Go pick up the stuff. Don’t say another word to her and be done.

You are being to bigger person. Continue to send that invitations to the family members, etc. Act as if they are coming, and if they don’t, well, then they don’t and it’s their loss.

When the baby is born, call her and invite her over, if she doesn’t come, her loss.

When you want to tell her something important going on, let your DH call her, leave a message, or tell her, if she doesn’t care about being a part of it, her loss.

She’s wanting attention from you husband.

Everytime something happens in our life, my MIL pulls something and we all have to go rushing to her aid. Never fails.

I keep my relationship with her on a business level, I suggest that you do the same.

Do what you know is right and that’s letting her know what’s going on and do invite her to all these things, if she wants to be the big baby let her. More than likely, the family knows exactly how she is and really are rolling their eyes at her.

Let you husband do all the talking…


#4

You have to let go of it for your** husband’s** sake. I am making an assumption here and if I am wrong please forgive me…but my guess is that your husband gets blasted by his mother then he turns around and gets an earful from you as well.

I would not worry about her so much as your husband. This poor man was raised by this woman, now he has been disowned by his family and he is living with a woman who is angry and upset!

I speak from some experience. My husband has a very strained relationship with his mother. My poor husband man got it from her, then he had to re-hash everything again with me it was awful. When we came home after a visit all I said was “I can’t beleive she did this, and I can beleive she said that!” Not only did he have to listen to her abuse he had to listen to me repeat and complain about her abuse…after a while it got to be too much. Now when he deals with her I just give him a big hug and tell him how much I love him.

Pray for your mother-in-law. I am not saying to ignore this problem, but from reading your post I would imagine that the person in most need of love and healing here is your husband. He is probably broken down, angry, embarassed and has been living with this craziness all of his life. Show him what true love really is, show him what a real family is. Tell him you are sorry about his family. Tell him despite everything he is a wonderful man and will be a wonderful father. Reassure him and love him, a lot. Forget about these people for a while, if they boycott your shower then so what?!?! Use this as an opportunity to grow closer in your marriage. Think about your new baby and your new life together. Helping him will help you heal.

I know this wasn’t what you asked but I hope it helps a little bit anyway. I will pray for you ,God bless.


#5

MIL’s actions are clearly more about her than you. When people act badly like that, they show the truth about themselves, not the person they’re upset with. I bet you money that a lot of the family doesn’t really believe what she’s said about you. They may be staying away from the shower to keep the peace with her…she might even have a history of tantrums like this and they know not to cross her!

And I definately bet money she will come around when grandbaby arrives!

I am slowly working on forgiving my ex-husband for deceiving me throughout our relationship. If I can do it, you can do it! Anger does not really equate to a lack of forgiveness, I think. Forgiveness means letting go of any “claim” you have against her for reparation of the wrongs done to you. It can start from as sad and small a place as just feeling bad for her because it sounds like she has bigger issues than a DIL she doesn’t like. You make the decision to forgive, then you end up making it again, and probably again. But you keep trying and that’s how it works.

God can forgive all our terrible wrongs against Him…and none of us deserve it. Surely we can try to forgive others.

But…forgiveness does NOT mean you have to feel all warm and fuzzy about MIL. It doesn’t even mean you have to talk to her. Just don’t harbor those hurts. I mean, I’m not about to remarry my ex, but I can try to forgive him!

Personally, I think it sounds like MIL has some issues she could work on…not about you at all.


#6

Wow, some of the best advice I have ever seen on this forum!
:thumbsup:

I very much agree!


#7

I can’t add anything here. I have been in your shoes in a similar experience, only it was MY mother who did the cutting off. Nineteen years later, she apologized. I am now left iwth the task of rebuilding relationships, very, very, very slowly. And I will pray for you and your DH and your little one.

I bet “Grandma” changed her tune as soon as somebody pops out!:slight_smile:


#8

Do you know what your MIL’s childhood was like? She seems insecure. She seems controlling. Her anger might be from fearing that the choices you both have made, will “ruin” your lives. Did she feel like some choice of hers ruined her life??? The way she deals with theese feelings is immature, (ie. calling all her family to tell them you don’t care…) Maybe some of those answers will help you with forgiveness.

I hope she comes around after the baby is born. I wouldn’t get my hopes too high though. It could make things worse. But it seems like a great opportunity for everyone to make a new start.


closed #9

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