[quote="1ke, post:11, topic:222291"]
I disagree completely.
I suggest you read the book For Better.... Forever by Dr. Greg Popcak.
Arguing is a sign of immaturity and poor communication skills. It is neither necessary nor healthy. That you believe it to be both is your old patterns talking.
Learn a new way founded on the virtues.
I can also recommend the books Crucial Conversations and/or Crucial Confrontations.
I agree with 1ke. "Arguments" are about not hearing the other person and only wanting to get your own way. When a problem comes up, both people should want to solve the problem for the betterment of BOTH.
That of course is the IDEAL...and very hard to accomplish, as you are seeing. Sometimes when both people are angry or upset, it would be impossible to be mature and work on the problem together. If you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, (HALT) stop and take care of those needs before you discuss problems. Your emotions will get in the way of solutions, especially if old feelings from your childhood are activated. A lot of people jump straight into the fray, not even recognizing that they are acting out old childhood injuries instead of truly listening to what the other person is saying. I can recommend against EVER starting to solve a problem just before bedtime!!!! THE WORST time ever to discuss anything intense is at the end of the day when both people are tired and worn out. Made that mistake many times.
Our imprints from our parents come out at the worst times and the worst ways. I am a lot older than you are, and just a few years ago, I realized that my end-game when someone won't acknowledge my feelings is just to dissolve into tears. I mean, I feel the emotions of hurt, betrayal, etc. so it's not as if the tears are just manipulative, but the thoughts in my head are not necessarily applicable to the situation in front of me, KWIM? So now when I start feeling victimized and the tears start welling up, I remind myself that I am an adult and can keep my composure so we can solve the problem.
It takes two adults to solve problems, and when one of those people becomes a child again, nothing can move forward. I have to work on why problems and conflict are so threatening to me, that I will do almost anything to avoid them, and will fall apart as a last resort...I'm too old for that game! :)
There are tons of books on how to effectively communicate. It's when you feel threatened or mistreated that those old patterns come out, and they can do damage if allowed to continue. It helps also to find mentors who do know how to communicate in a conflict situation - maybe you have a peer conflict resolution program at your college? To sit and listen as people solve problems while truly listening to one another can be very helpful.
You are WAY ahead of the game for recognizing this now, and being WILLING to work to change it. I predict a great future for you!!!