Hello, i am a 20 year old male who is having serious emotional, psychological and spiritual issues with his relationship. I dated this girl who i met my last year of high school, she was my first girlfriend and while it was short lived i had the virtue to experience my first kiss, holding hands, and the sort (no sex since i am morally conscious of the value of sex and the importance of remaining virgin before marriage). This girl is also Catholic just like me, and i actually met her at church. I really grew fond of her and to date she is one of the people who knows me by who i am the most, and vice versa. The issue here is that every time i was with her i felt like i was/am doing something wrong. I feel an uneasy spiritual and emotional distress signal that being around her hurts me. She has never insulted me or made me feel bad, but she is so unwilling to have any aspirations for life after high school and she comes from a family who does not value morale and religious values (not meaning to criticize or insult, simply stating what i see reflected in her attitude). Every time im with her i find myself drawn farther away from God, but i don’t know if that is my fault or hers. We come from extremely different life styles and morale upbringings, but yet i don’t understand why i struggle so much to forget her. To date we still see each other and its almost impossible for me to open my heart to any other person. I fear that a relationship with her will be toxic for me, despite her not doing anything wrong, yet i feel like being around her and her family motivates me to commit actions which i normally wouldn’t. She is not conscious of many things both mental and spiritual, and i try to help her but it feels like it drags me down at times. I don’t know what to do, i pray for her and her family and a part of me wishes so sincerely and deeply that she could understand what i feel and why i feel it, but all i get are blank stares. Please advice me on what to do, i am desperate to make things right, because i can’t live without God and his peace. Thank you in advance.
It sounds to me that you and your girlfriend are unequally yoked. Have you spoken to your priest or spiritual director about this? Perhaps he/they may be able to provide important insight regarding your concerns about this relationship. If you cannot see yourself married to this woman due to your differences, it may be time to move on. Will pray for your discernment! God bless.
Perhaps you are just more intelligent. That’s what it sounds like. Maybe it’s not so much that there’s anything “wrong”.
It sounds as if you consider yourself and your family superior to she and her family.
For charity’s, it is cruel to lead her on. If you do not respect her, end the relationship.
Spend time growing and maturing before you get wrapped up in a romance.
From what you say, it appears that you believe you are more intellectually, morally, and spiritually advanced than she and her family.
Perhaps it would be best if you broke off this relationship and looked for someone more suited to your standards.
I think you should date other girls. Don’t get into another relationship immediately. Just go out on casual dates (no sex or making out) with different girls and see what other girls are like.
You and this girl are not on the same page with respect to your values or what you want out of life. I’m guessing your relationship at this stage is mostly just based on physical attraction and having a date to go places with.
You should try to meet some other girls who are more in sync with your own interests and values, including having some plans for life after high school. The reason you can’t seem to forget this girl is that first of all, you’re not trying to meet any other girls, and second of all, you’re obviously physically attracted to her even if you’re not having sex. You may also be attracted on some level to the idea of trying to rescue this girl from a family who doesn’t have great values in your opinion.
Do yourself a favor and go date some other girls. There’s a whole world of girls out there, and given that you’re only 20 and this girl sounds like she is younger, and that her values are not your values, it’s highly unlikely she is “the one” for you.
Any girl that you date seriously should bring you closer to God, your Church, and your family, and also help you to work harder in school or in your job, and to develop your interests and hobbies.
You should feel energized by the girl to become a better Christian and a better person in all aspects of your life. Life should be exciting as you experience it along with someone else who helps you be a better person and to experience a better life.
And you should do the same for her–by just being with her and doing things together, you should help her to be a better Christian, daughter, friend, student, etc.
That doesn’t mean that a girl has to be perfect, or that you have to be perfect. It just means that the girl and you are a good match. There shouldn’t be toxicity, vague negative feelings, an awareness that either of you is slipping away from God, constant tension, etc. Instead, you both should feel “light” and excited about life.
Again, this isn’t something that happens because the girl is amazing or talented or a great listener or beautiful. It just happens because God brings two people together who are able to help each other get to heaven.
You might not meet this girl for a long time, depending on how old you are. She’s out there, but in the meantime, date other girls, and if you can, date in groups so that you can observe other couples in relationships and how they interact together (hopefully in a good way!). When you meet a girl who is a good match, you’ll be better prepared to recognize her.
It’s good that you are aware of your own feeling and seeking advice on the best way to proceed. Don’t be too quick to seek out a romance, even though it feels good. It’s like eating too much ice cream–delicious at the time, but not so great when you can’t fit into your jeans!
I agree with some previous commenters that the two of you may be unequally yoked.
Also (I expect you’re tired of hearing this ) you’re 20. Please, please don’t feel rushed or like you’re somehow “falling behind.” You have time: time to wait, time to grow spiritually, time to focus on other non-romantic aspects of your life. From your original post, you’re obviously a thoughtful young man who aspires to a spiritual and emotional connection with your future spouse. Your relationship with this young woman has proven to you that she is not intended for you. Go with your gut—if being with her makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong, then you probably are. You may have to spend some time apart (though not in animosity) in order to help your feelings dissipate.
Pray for her and her family if you feel moved to do so. Remain friends if you would like to (and if she is willing to). Seek in-person support from someone you trust. The end of a relationship is always difficult, even if it ended on amicable terms. Things probably won’t feel right immediately. Do what you judge to be right, and trust that things will get better.
“Have patience with all things, but first of all with yourself.” - St. Francis de Sales
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