I need your opinion


#1

i need your opinion on this. my grandpa just died. as you read in my last forum i just asked my step dad why i could not help with the funeral plans and he told me that only that the children of the deceased and the widow can do it. is this true?


#2

Generally speaking, the widow decides who will make the funeral plans for her husband and what those arrangments will be. If she wants to do it herself, that is her perogative, both legally and by custom. It is gracious to accept her decisions about anyone else she wishes to include, to do what they ask, and to refrain from taking it upon yourself to do more. If she cannot make the arrangements, then the children of the deceased decide. At any rate, no one else has any standing to push into the decision-making, even if they want to.

Unless you have knowledge that they don't have and might want, then even if they decide to do something other than what the deceased had wanted, stay out of it until you are invited to do more.

By the way, ask your parents to think about what they want, so they can tell you. It is nice to have that essentially decided well before death arrives at one's doorstep.


#3

Unless asked otherwise, he is correct. But it is not good to cut out Step Children without hearing them out. My Stepfathr died last year and his 3 girls wanted our help and assistance is planning the funeral and settling the estate.
I would advise to follow their request and pray for healing. It sounds like there are some open emotional wounds there
:gopray:


#4

Since an opinion is being asked for...... an opinion will be given (not saying I am right).

First of all, different families have different ideas on how to do things. So if your father says 'The widow and children make the decisions'.... I agree that does seem to be the norm. Not saying people don't deviate. We live in a culture where people are always deviating on everything nowadays.

Now, I don't know how old you are however........... If your Grandpa is the one who died, you are obviously one of the youngest ones to be bereaved. The widow and chidlren are easily a good 20 to 40 years older than you. And I am going to let you in on a little secret than a lot of people already know. The reason it is a little secret is because........ I am ashamed to admit this about myself.

I can remember being a kid and attending family funerals and my pain being over looked because 'I was a kid who did not know any better'. I am now 41 and I can not believ how cruel some of the adults where. I could NEVER imagine as an adult saying some of the things said to me to a kid at a funeral. I VOWED to NEVER say anything cruel to a grieving kid and ALWAYS take a grieving kids pain seriously.

Well guess what, deep down I am just like every other human being. I am getting old which means loosing patience for young people. So.... can I be sympathetic to you ? Of course, I have no emotional ties to your Grandpa. But once one of MY parents die and I am emotionally involved, you can bet your last dime that NONE of my nieces or nephews (if I had some) would in any way shape or form have their way at my parents funeral. I can go back to a lot more years of memories and closeness to my parents.

So yes, you are hurting but so are they and they will probably want to cash in on the 'respect your elders' and in this situation...... don't hold out any hopes for anything else

CM


#5

[quote="avemaria2010, post:1, topic:230532"]
i need your opinion on this. my grandpa just died. as you read in my last forum i just asked my step dad why i could not help with the funeral plans and he told me that only that the children of the deceased and the widow can do it. is this true?

[/quote]

You could certainly help with the plans, if your mother wants to include you. I'm the one who said on the other thread that you could have a task or a job to do at the visitation so that if you didn't want to be in the room with your grandfather's body on view, you'd have a responsibility. Is that what you asked your step father about?

Your mother may not be able to think clearly if she is the one making the arrangements. Talk to your mother directly and explain why you want to help and what you think you can do best - helping with the memory book, picking out photographs, even writing out a list of food people bring so they can be thanked and get their dishes back (females usually do that stuff though).

But if not, then understand that your family is in the midst of grieving right now and you might be left out a little bit in the plans. If you feel that way, pray and try to do as your mother really wants and needs you to do.

:hug1:


#6

[quote="the_7th_one, post:3, topic:230532"]
Unless asked otherwise, he is correct. But it is not good to cut out Step Children without hearing them out. My Stepfathr died last year and his 3 girls wanted our help and assistance is planning the funeral and settling the estate.
I would advise to follow their request and pray for healing. It sounds like there are some open emotional wounds there
:gopray:

[/quote]

The OP is a grandchild, though. Maybe it's because my grandparents had 49 grandchildren, and the neighbors something like that, but where I come from the only way a grandchild is going to be included in the plans is if he's already made it through seminary. (And even then, his aunt, "the church lady", might be telling him what's what at his grandmother's funeral, even if he's the main celebrant! :D)


#7

There are no hard set rules.

However, it's quite common that the adult children plan their parents funeral and such.

They often know what the passed person wants or wanted... and are generally executing someones desires.

I would tell your mother that if she has any tasks that need attending to let you know. You can help by doing what is needed. You could let her know you'd be honored to read at the funeral, or prepare something special. Make phone calls.... What ever she needs.

Sorry to hear of your loss. I know the hurt of losing a grandparent...


#8

[quote="avemaria2010, post:1, topic:230532"]
i need your opinion on this. my grandpa just died. as you read in my last forum i just asked my step dad why i could not help with the funeral plans and he told me that only that the children of the deceased and the widow can do it. is this true?

[/quote]

Maybe you weren't clear that you don't want to help make DECISIONS on any of the arrangements, that you just want to be helpful with something instead of feeling lost and out of place. Some people get through tough times by doing things instead of just sitting around crying. Those people can help the more emotional of us by taking charge of little details that might slip through the cracks. If your mother can't give you a job, approach one of the other adults that is arranging things. Just say "I need to feel useful, can you please give me a job or a task that I can do to help everyone and honor my grandpa?"

That should get the point across.


#9

We just had my mother’s Memorial Mass last month. The three of us children planned it all. Our kids (my mom’s grandkids) were attendees. It will be their turn when its time to plan their own parents’ services.


#10

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