My wife wants to divorce me. We have only been married 8 weeks. It has been a volatile relationship for the last year but I love her very much. She doesn’t trust me because I have on occasion lied to her. I know this is wrong but I am afraid because she gets so very very angry and threatens to leave over most any issue. I in turn don’t trust her to leave me over the slightest argument. It has become a visous cycle of distrust on both sides. Their is no excuse to lie and I know this - but fear of losing her has made me afraid to tell her anything - even things that should not be an issue at all. The issue at hand right now is that I have told her that I would tell her when I needed to talk to my ex whom I have a teenage daughter with. I have not told her and have called my ex several times in the last 6 months to assist with issues with my daughter. My ex and I have a relationship in which we still care and discuss issues. My present wife would never understand or tolerate it. She insists to see the last 6 months phone bills. I am afraid these bills will condemn me and she will divorce me. I am wrong and I know it. I want to save this marriage. I feel helpless. I am wrong for lying and want to be forgiven. It won’t be enough. Please pray for us.
Praying for you and your wife.:signofcross:
Your wife sounds like an extraordinarily unreasonable, immature, and insecure person to refuse to allow you to talk to the mother of your child. You have an obligation to be an active parent in your child’s life and are doing the moral and correct thing by maintaining a mature friendship (if that is what it is) with your ex-wife.
However, I question why either one of you would marry if your 1-year relationship were so volatile. What kind of love is that?
This is the reason why the Catholic church deals with marriage the way that it does. I see you are non-denom, but maybe you will develop an interest in the Catholic faith from this site? This wouldn’t have happened if you had had the benefit of the guidance of the Church. Or, at least, it would have been less likely to have happened. First, both of you would have been required to have annulments or otherwise been found free to marry before marrying, and second, both of you would have had the benefit of guidance from a priest in pre-marital counseling, natural family planning, etc. The annulment process would have settled the issue of your emotional attachment to your ex wife. I am sorry that your church didn’t offer this to you. We will pray for you, and hope that you find the right answers.
Wow! . . . . . . . . . lieing and breaking promises . . . . . . . . . whew! . . . . . . . . . no disrespect intended but . . . . . . . . . *whew! *. . . . . . . . . defensive mechanism or not this activity is not marvelous . . . . . . . . . *not marvelous *. . . . . . . . . as a beloved wife I’m a bit at a loss for words . . . . . . . . . and the fact that you had violated and breached your bride’s trust before you took her hand in marriage really troubles my soul . . . that’s just not responsibly cherishing your new bride in good conscience or in good faith before our Holy God . . .
I really feel sad for both you and for your wife . . .
If your relationship with your wife is that . . . tragically . . . precarious . . . and trust is gone now . . . *on both sides of the proverbial marriage fence *. . . you both really need to find a sound objective third party Christian marriage counselor and seek help. It sounds like there’s . . . lots-and-lots . . . of worthwhile work that needs to be done if the marriage is to survive.
In the meantime, since you have so bravely and openly shared your personal side of this dilemma, the only prayer I can think of that would be appropriate and helpful for you at this point in your soul’s walk with our Wonderful Saviour God would be the prayer :gopray2: of contrition . . . and then . . . please consider seeking out a good Christian counselor as step #2 . . . keep the Faith . . .
*God tenderly love and bless you both . . . *
O my God,
I am heartily sorry for
having offended Thee,
and I detest all my sins,
because I dread the loss of heaven,
and the pains of hell;
but most of all because
they offend Thee, my God,
Who are all good and
deserving of all my love.
I firmly resolve,
with the help of Thy grace,
to confess my sins,
to do penance,
and to amend my life.
:gopray: The Hail Mary
Hail Mary . . . full of grace . . . the Lord is with thee . . . blessed art thou among women . . . and blessed is the Fruit of thy womb . . . Jesus . . . Holy Mary . . . Mother of God . . . pray for us sinners . . . now and at the hour of our death . . . Amen . . .
[RIGHT]. . . all for Jesus+
. . . sweet Holy Spirit of Our God+
. . . help, guide and direct+[/RIGHT]
It sounds like you both have some issues and a good bit of growing up to do. I’m not saying that to beat on you, but to help you. Get back into the Word of God and find yourself a good Christian counselor… this week!. Start at a local Bible based church. They will help you find one. If your wife won’t go with you, then go by yourself. The fact that you came here seeking advice is a good sign that you are ready to accept help!
God be with you my friend!
If a marriage was never valid to begin with, then going to a Christian counselor and reading the Bible is going to help this person as much as if he brought his concubine to marital counseling. When people are not suitable to marry each other, and/or not prepared to enter any type of marriage then the root issues have to be dealt with first.
Pretending the sacrament prior to this marriage never happened because you’re all of the sudden attending a Bible believing church and reading a Bible is delusional, misguided, and will never work.
The issue of whether that marriage could ever be dissolved in the first place first has to be addressed. If that marriage cannot be dissolved, and is not dissolved, then all this man is doing is pretending to be married to someone he is living in adultery with.
This is a good example of how Protestant churches fail people with superficial treatment of past issues.
The truth will set you free. Life is a search for the truth and lying is never a good way to go about it.
I would suggest that you come clean to your wife about EVERYTHING that you have ever lied to her about before she sees the bills. Beg for her forgiveness, explain that you do need to talk to the mother of your child, but under no circumstances should you make excuses for what you did. Then, continue on and never lie to her again. Lying is a tough cycle to break, but I can tell you from personal experience that it is possible.
You are in my prayers.
I am really shocked that more people are not comprehending how totally out of line it is for your wife to object to you speaking to your ex-wife about your daughter.
I guess this new “wife” is more important than your teenage daughter? :rolleyes:
I would not understand either. I think you are lying to not only your wife and us but yourself as well.
I think you know what I mean, so don’t ask.
*I tend to agree with this, actually. While I think your wife gjc sounds to be a bit controlling, it could be because she truly feels OUT OF CONTROL with her marriage. If you still care for your ex…then that is not fair to your wife. Think if the shoe was on the other foot, how might you feel if your wife currently, talked to her ex and deep down still cared for him? Now, if you care about her, that’s different, but maybe your wife thinks you are still in love with her, and your post is too vague for me to determine one way or the other. Right now, I think you both could use intense counseling…to get to the root of the issue. If you still love your ex, you should set your wife free. If you don’t, then you should try to get things right with your wife…if it requires begging her to stay, do it. I think that her insecurities would subside if she felt you were truly over your ex, and stopped sneaking behind her back to call her, etc. Marriage is about sacrifice, love and mutual respect. If you don’t respect your wife, even if you fear her reactions, the marriage will have a hard time growing. If your wife wants you to break ties with the mother of your child, then that is another issue, altogether…but again, counseling will help to get to the heart of whatever the issue is.
In the meantime, I’m praying for you all! *
Are you kidding me? Have you ever been divorced? Obviously not.
If my ex-husband would not communicate with my about my teenage daughter I would return to court and ask for sole custody.
You people have some very immature and twisted ideas about marriage if you don’t think a divorced person should maintain a good co-parenting relationship with his ex spouse.
*I don’t think that was the implication…I think that the poster meant…is the OP still in love or does he still have feelings for his ex? I don’t think anyone would ever ever argue with a spouse having constant contact with an ex in dealing with coparenting…but, maybe he still has feelings for the ex? Again, to vague of a first post to make that leap, except that he inferred that he still cares…cares about her? As in still cares for her, and still feels love for her? What does that mean, we’ll have to wait for him to fill in some of the blanks.
I don’t think anyone here has an issue (I am not sure the wife does either) with the OP coparenting. But, maybe it’s that she senses he still has feelings…again, we’ll have to see what the OP says. :)*
This isn’t about adultry or divorce. The Word of God is full of divine guidance.This man needs help and prayers, not a legalistic beat down.
I am praying for you.
There seem to be several issues here. First, you KNOW you are sinning by lying to your wife. Begin by correcting your sin. Apologize to her, tell her the truth (without excuses), and tell her you will try harder to be honest with her. Yes, this will likely cause a fight. She may choose to leave you. But when we sin, we damage our relationship with another person AND with God. Only by admitting the sin and trying not to commit it again can be begin healing those relationships.
Once she has calmed down, I think you need to discuss a few other issues. Obviously, you need to be a part of your daughter’s life. So you need to talk with your ex-wife. Your wife needs to be able to accept this. As some other posters have pointed out, you need to be clear with your wife about how you feel about your ex-wife. If the “caring” you mention is just friendship, just a sense of wanting her to be happy, there is no problem. But if there is something more, you need to deal with that. Your wife seems to believe that there is still some romantic love between you and your ex-wife (even if that belief is unfounded), otherwise she would not have a problem with you talking with her.
The final issue I see is your wife’s behavior. According to your description, she is unreasonable and has some anger management issues. She is manipulating you with threats of divorce. This is not the behavior of a stable person in a loving relationship. She may need some individual counseling to learn to control her behavior. Obviously, addressing this will be problematic. My best advice would be to start marriage counseling and discuss your concerns privately with the counselor. Hopefully, that person can help your wife see that she is contributing to the problems in your relationship.
I will continue to pray for you.
Your Catholic prejudice prevents you from realizing there is nothing evenly remotely legalistic about recommending the annulment process, which is unfortunate, because the Protestant method of dealing with divorce has failed, is failing, and will continue to fail miserably.
When people are married, there is a sacramental bond that cannnot be broken. Marriage is the only indissolvable sacrament that two people make themselves of their own free will to each other.
Deluding oneself into believing that divorce and re-marriage is ok if a person was “unsaved” when the marriage occurred, or by some very wide interpretation of adultery or abandonment, (which is in reality what happens in Protestant churches) has led to disastrous situations.
The annulment process is intended to be a process of healing and grace, as well as a divine buffer against actions that people wish to take that will not serve their highest good in the long run. It is a long process that resolves the status of the spiritual bond, and if done correctly, brings immense emotional healing to the families involved so that those people truly are free to go on with their lives.
In the Catholic chuch, we also don’t entertain shotgun weddings, which can be seen in some Protestant churches. I have a hard time imagining any priest that would give their consent to presiding over the marriage of two people who had spent one VOLATILE year together and who had unresolved emotional issues.
Before I was baptized and became Catholic I was married. It was since annuled and now I am truly married. Theologically you could argue I was never was divorced since the first marriage was not valid. But on secular grounds we can all agree that I was divorced.
My 2nd marriage (or first depending on theology) is past it’s 10th year. We have a very trusting relationship with God at it’s center. In order for any marriage to work it needs 3 persons: the husband, the wife and God. To have God is to follow his ways and not ours.
But enough of me… just needed to correct you.
I also have a 19 year old daughter with the first, just in case you wanted to make more assumptions.
It is always best to have the Church decide if a marriage was valid. Jesus said that if you divorce and marry another that you commit adultry. So it is a grave matter to know this.
It is possible to truly care for and about an ex-spouse without having any romantic attachment, and it is possible to be co-parents and friends without having a romantic attachment.
I do not want to assume that the original poster is romantically attached without him telling us that.
However, if he WERE romantically attached, then to me that would not necessarily be a bad thing. I am not assuming that there is anything good or healthy about this marriage, based on his own description of its volatility, her divorce threats, and jealousy.
There are reasons for her “jealousy” if you will. When we first started dating we went through some rough spots. She is flighty - and I didn’t understand it. My ex wife called me - again about 2 or 3 months into the relationship with the woman I am with now - and described a situation in which she was in an abusive marriage and needed help getting out and a place to stay. I cared about helping her and also getting my daughter out of that situation - and as a bonus get my daughter closer and back in my life - so I initially agreed to let them stay with me - and broke it off with my girlfriend at the time. This break up lasted one day - and I begged for her back. I told my ex I couldn’t do it. I told my ex I would help - but she couldn’t stay with me. To make matters worse several months later my ex called to bad mouth - again my girlfriend at the time. I was afraid to tell her about it - so I tried to cover it up. I confessed - but the damage was done. I have been reeeling and back pedaling and aplologized over and over ever since. So yes - she has resaon to be suspicous. I married my present wife because I wanted her - and no one else. There is no romantic relationship with my ex. My present wife holds alot of resentment against my ex - and also my daughter. She says I spoil my daughter and she’s a brat. Mentioning either of their names is a hotspot for her. This marriage is on the rocks. I accept alot of the blame. Thank you for your prayers.
Above and beyond your relationship with your wife and ex…your daughter IS your daughter. She comes before anyone else in your life. That is what a father does!! If your wife calls your daughter a brat, don’t put up with that disrespect from her. Tell your wife that she’s your daughter and you will not tolerate name calling directed at your daughter. Despite your daughter’s short-comings she’s still your daughter and your wife has to accept it!
You need to talk to your ex about parenting issues; your daughter needs your input in her life, even if it is by talking to your ex. You need to be upfront to your current wife and begin telling her like it is. She’s your daughter and always will be and your wife either needs to accept in order to stay married to you.
You have 2 choices:
Tell her up front about the phone calls and the reason for the calls and the reason for your lying and take a chance that your wife will leave you.
Tell her you can’t find the bills or that you are unable to get copies of the bills and begin telling the truth from this day forward.
I personally think that number one is the best way to be the better man, but if you are truly afraid of losing your wife, then you do what you feel is best.
I don’t think you’re immature. I think you’re running scared and you’re trying to do the right thing. I think you and your wife have serious issues with eachother and you guys need counselling to work them out. If you can’t work them out, then an annullment may indeed be the best solution.
I would contact a Catholic priest; ask around for a good priest and call that parish for hellp. You don’t want to meet with a “dud” priest; make sure it’s a good one that someone knows well. You will get some great advice from a good seasoned priest.
I will pray for you all. I hope this all works out!