I No Longer Want Children

My husband and I have been married for a couple of years and have been trying to have a baby the entire time. I turn 40 this year and have given up on having children. I don’t want to try to conceive anymore and am almost to the point of wanting to actively prevent pregnancy. I know what the Church teaches about birth control. And I know that women are regularly having children well into their 40’s, but I don’t want to be one of those women! I figure that if God wanted me to have children, he would have brought my husband and me together ten years ago when I had a better chance at fertility.

Please, pray for me.

Offering a prayer that you and your husband can discern and be at peace with God’s will for your lives, whatever that may be. :crossrc: :hug1:

This is a normal and natural part of the infertility grieving process. I’ve been there, done that. You are not alone.

I was with my ex for 11 childless years. When I was about 35 I gave up as well and just decided I didn’t even want to try anymore, and that I was fine being childless for the rest of my life. I’m now in a valid and sacramental marriage to a wonderful man who knows this history, and understands why I’m still in this emotional state myself.

I know how hard it is every single month to grieve the child that never came. It is exhuasting and draining. And you finally come to a point where enough is enough. I’m sure you are at that point.

I would only suggest that you just let things be for awhile. Don’t try to get pregnant, don’t try not to. Just “be”. Be in love with your husband, enjoy your intimate life together without wondering every single time, and just “be”. Let your mind and your heart rest in this place and know that God will do whatever He does in His time, and pray for understanding and acceptance.

You will surely be in my prayers.

~Liza

I think that is an understandable way to feel at this point, but I hope that this feeling will not translate in not wanting to be intimate with your husband. I hope instead it will free you to be with him because you want to be with him, not because you are desperately trying to conceive. Hoping it is some peace that you are feeling here.

I’m 42 now and have just started being relieved when my cycle starts again. After 15+ years of infertility too. I know plenty of people who have had children past the age of 40, I don’t think I want to be one of them, but if God calls me to it I am open to His will.

It would be very difficult for us physically, emotionally, financially etc but then I remember that some of the women in salvation history were very old when they conceived (Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth) and their sons (Issac, Samuel, John the Baptist) were true servants of God. I have to be open to that possibility! God knows what we need and what we can handle. He won’t test us beyond our endurance.

In your OP you don’t mention NFP, have you tried it? Maybe just to give you some peace of mind month to month.

Praying for you :gopray:

I have never suffered the pain of infertility so can never completely understand your situation. However, as someone your age who has spent years in the midst of raising children…I can say the grass is always greener no matter where your standing. My children are and continue to be gifts…but gifts that comes at a high personal cost. There is almost nothing I do or decide that isn’t first run through the filter of “how will this impact the kids…” While in many cases these choices are ones that are positive for me as an individual as well…there are many opportunities, relationships, interests, involvements, etc…that one simply must bypass, relinquish or wave goodbye to as a mom. As a couple, there is certainly a unity one gains in the common purpose of parenting, but there is also exhaustion, separation, limited time, distraction and some measure of conflict.

I certainly am not trying to suggest I am ungrateful or resent any of my choices, but there are opportunities open to you that simply wouldn’t exist with children. Perhaps your goal should be to weigh those options and determine what would make you the most fulfilled. If you have devoted your life to this point preparing to be a parent and nothing will substitute for that, then there are still many options open to you even with infertility. If you are at all unsure, give yourself some time, peace and opportunity to reassess what direction you can take with your life, your husband and your purpose so that you emerge from this challenge better equipped to move forward without regrets.

I don’t blame you for not wanting children after age 40…it requires a lot of energy that those of us in our forties simply don’t have. Are you on NFP? That would give you peace of mind.
Enjoy having your husband and leave everything else up to God.

My prayers and thoughts are with you. Although my personal family situation is different, my perception and understanding of marriage and family is much different now than it was when my husband and I were first engaged then married. We have lost one child to miscarriage and have been blessed since with two children with one on the way. In some ways I wonder why life has led me this way…not knowing or planning as things have happened, but know and accept that God is in control, not us. As someone else mentioned, there are many women who could have said no, could have aborted their child or tried to run from God’s plan, but instead they said yes and we have all been blessed with some of these “blessings.” Watching and hearing some of the recent witnesses from the ProLife walks on tv has also inspired me…b/c of actions people do day to day (ie: birth control) you are putting yourself in the way of life. God chose you, your mother chose life…how can you deny that? If it’s not meant to be right now, then let it be. In many ways you can still be a parent, by supporting youth in your area, in your parish, etc. and just loving and respecting your husband and your life together. God will lead you to where you need to be. God bless-Sarah

How very sad. The Church teaches that we let God decide his will for us and not that we should decide our will for him. You are a women and God made you to be life giving. Right at this moment you may not be life giving physically, but spiritually. You don’t have to worry about having a child or not having a child. You just need to choose to do what it is that God asks you to do right now.

I look back over my life and I see that what truly gives me peace is when I just hand my will over to God.

Let me explain. I gave birth to a baby on Mother’s Day. I felt this baby move in me. I cherished all the moments of being pregnant with her and I was so excited for her coming. One night I just felt urgent that I hear her heart beat. I went to urgent care and dicovered she had died. I was admitted to the hospital the day before Mother’s Day. I prayed all day and all night. I just wanted to do what ever it was God wanted me to do. I have never in my entire life felt to close to Jesus as during that night. There was incredible peace as I labored all day and all night. I could have just gotten angry at God because I didn’t get to keep my baby. I could have brought down the house with my anger and sorrow over the death of that child and I could have seen her birthday as a slap in the face. I gave birth to my dead child on Mother’s Day. Everyone would have understood my anger, but I wanted to do God’s will. He decided when that child should be concieved and he decided when that child should come to join him. He didn’t give me that child to punish me. He gave me that child to save me. That child had a part to play in my life who am I to doubt my Lord. God only wants what is best for you. When that baby was born I offered that child as a gift to My Heavenly Mother as her Gift for Mother’s Day. I felt honored to have a gift to offer on that Mother’s Day. Don’t get me wrong. That day was one of the hardest days of my life and I would never want any mother to ever hold their dead baby’s body. I have cried my eyes out and begged God to help me through the suffering. There is a joy and a peace even during suffering if the suffering is for the will of God.

God has a plan for you and it is better than your plan. How can you choose God in little ways each moment. Let God decide how many babies you have. Leave it up to him and he will not let you down.

May God Bless you and I will pray for you!

I am almost 38, single, with no real relationship prospects in the foreseeable future. All I ever wanted for my life was to be a wife and mother, and as each day goes by, I’m struggling with the concept that that might not be God’s will for my life. So while my situation is different from yours, I can somewhat understand where you’re coming from.

What sometimes helps me when I get extremely down about my situation, I think about all the fabulous things that being single (or in your case with your DH) allows me the freedom to do – the trips that I may or may not have been able to take if I was trying to pay for parochial school or because there just wasn’t enough money in the budget. For me I surround myself with my beautiful nieces and nephews and realize that I am able to make an impact in a child’s life – then I get the luxury of sending them home to their parents when they get fussy :smiley:

I think that some of the other posts have offered great advice. It’s hard (for me, too) to realize that a long-held dream is slowly fading away. I will certainly offer some special prayers for you and your husband.

Blessings,
Paula

Maybe God wants you to be a mom when you are in your 40’s and not when you were in your 30’s! Don’t give up hope—I had my last baby when I was 42 and I don’t think that’s too old.
Praying for you and your peace.

JennBob,

Not to highjack this thread, but I would just like to kiss you! I am praying we will have one more baby and I just turned 40.:stuck_out_tongue:

A friend of mine took in a foster child which she later adopted. You can do this; yo can adopt. You can get pregnant with artificial insemination–no ‘sex’ involved.

I have considered (in the general sense) fostering and maybe adopting an older child. I would not consider having a child on my own – not only for the reason that it involves the artificial insemination which goes against church teaching but I believe a new baby deserves a mother and a father. Adopting an older or special needs child is different because you’re rescuing a child and giving them a permanent home.

Paula

I want to thank everyone for their prayers. I’ve had a little more peace the past few days.

This hit home for me. Someone at church mentioned that I should think about getting involved with the youth ministry. She said that I can do so many things for the children of our parish that I couldn’t do if I had a house full of kids. Maybe she’s right? But I’m not sure if I would be too bitter or angry or sad working with kids.

I know what the Church teaches. I’m just in a really bad place right now. After trying for the past 2 years to it’s just really hard for me to want to keep trying. I’m tired of all the tests and I’m tired of the fertility doctors not being able to figure out why my husband and I can’t conceive when everything appears “normal”. I’m tired of the disappointment and heartache each month when I get my period. I’m tired of crying until my eyes are red and raw from all the tears and I have no more tears left. And I’m tired of people asking when we’re going to start our family - it’s like salt on my wounds. I’m trying to find the “silver lining” of not being able to conceive and trying not to put limits on God, but I’m nothing but a poor woman with control issues who is feeling just about overwhelmed.

I’m sorry for your loss. I understand a little what it’s like to lose a child because of something that happened when I was 18 (and I still feel like God is punishing me).

BTW, I don’t have a “Heavenly Mother”, just a Heavenly Father.

I understand your frustration. It isn’t easy. Could you offer up some of the suffering for someone who needs to be brought back to the faith? I have taken a break and used NFP to not conceive. I have shoved all my charts in a box and put them as far away from me as I could get and just let what ever happen. I was trying to hard. Can I pray for you?

BTW, my Heavenly Mother is The Blessed Virgin Mary.

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