That’s right. I fell off the abstinance train for the past few months. I’ve been actively seeking intercourse with multiple partners. I’ve been ignoring and blocking out the sin of the act.
And now today. I had met with this woman a few times on mere dates with no “fesitivies”, and today was the day where we planned to take things to the next level. We met at a motel and immediately acted. On prior encounters with other partners, I had numbed myself to the guilt and weight of sin. However, after the encounter was done this particular time, it all hit me. She had just stepped out after our festivities to something from the store, and was going to be back soon. And here I was, laying on the bed, realizing that I just couldn’t do this anymore.
I felt awful, and then I acted selfishly and maliciously when she came back. I told her my mother had called, and that grandma was in the hospital. I lied to her, and she knew it. There was an awkward few minutes, and she just grabbed her stuff and left.
On one hand, I had to get her out of my life because of the act I associated with her. On the other hand, I lied to her, and hurt her. I called her on the phone about 10 minutes after she left, and told her that I indeed lied. I told her my religious conflict, she was still absolutely crushed, and I told her I don’t blame her, and I realize no amount of “I’m sorries” was going to suffice. I just felt she deserved to hear the truth. I acted selfishly and pushed her away in a cold way.
I met her on an online dating app, and I had a few of them going. I deleted them all tonight. Because of my past few months of activity physically, I haven’t been able to take the body and blood for a long time. I’ve been living in mortal sin. I’ve been praying I don’t die while in this state. The sin puts a gigantic damper on my faith, and drives a wedge between me and the Lord, one I create, and I only.
I just feel so bad that in order for me to pull away from the sinful activities that have been plaguing me for the past few months, I had to hurt her. She deserved better.