Last Sunday. I went to confession on Saturday and received on Sunday.
I’ve posted about this before, but I am scrupulous. I’ve been struggling with this for a long time and I feel that it’s becoming worse than ever.
So before I received the one thing I was struggling with was illegally listening to music. Not technically illegally but…listening to music on Youtube, even with reasonable certainty that the poster was not the owner.
I did not confess this becuase I felt that it was a doubtful sin. I had never really considered the immorality of listening to music on Youtube, except once when there was a thread posted about it here - I remember somebody saying that we should be charitable and assume they have the rights, so I kept on doing it, but eventually realized the problem with that is that much of the time it is really obvious that they do not have the rights. So I stopped doing it, but didn’t confess it. But I was worrying about it.
I thought that as long as I knew it was doubtful I’d be ok. I thought that once I received I could stop worrying about. I didn’t and it keeps coming back to me. How doubtful is that, really? How hard can it possibly be to put the pieces together and assume that the music is there illegally when it’s on some random’s account?
the distinction between “doubtful” and “clear” is so hazy that all I can think is that I’m worse off than before, trying to figure out just how much knowledge I had beforehand. Maybe I knew, maybe I didn’t? I can’t. I can’t even seem to distinguish between mortal or venial sins, between venial sins and imperfections, between actual sin and just? things? that? seem wrong??? I can’t even make these basic distinctions in the objective gravity of the action and now I’m supposed to figure out, in addition, how much knowledge or consent or forethought I had?
I can’t receive this week. I wish I hadn’t received last week. I thought it would bring me peace and spiritual strength but I feel so anxious and confused and my faith is weakening.