I can honestly say this is one of the few times in my life where I feel isolated, alone, wrong, evil, and I honestly feel like going to bed and never waking-up again. It would be a wonderful thing, in fact!
The very basics:
-I just lost a friendship over what I realized was inappropriate behaviors and treating the person more like a therapist rather than a friend. It was bad enough (apparently, although I never really realized that anything was wrong) that the friend’s boyfriend got involved and told me to stop. It was unpleasant, awkward, and we’ve agreed to never speak again. It’s bad enough for me that I never want to see the particular parish she’s from ever again. And guess what? Now that I think about it there are at least two other girls I’ve done this too without realizing! Wow, what a wonderful record! Probably will get worse for me, too.
-I also realized that I seek “therapy” from too many of my friends and have decided to not only stop asking for advice from my friends but to also (for a short while) stop associating with my friends altogether to clear my mind. This will likely include not going to my normal parish for awhile but going elsewhere. I’ve also decided to not ask for advice from friends anymore but to make my decisions solely by myself using my own reasoning skills. All of this confirms that, frankly, nobody cares about our problems as people…we have to abandon everyone and deal with it ourselves.
-I also realized that apparently I can’t communicate, don’t listen well, and it takes me several “tries” before I finally learn a lesson or take someone’s advice because it takes that long for it to get into my head. I apparently am a moron.
-I also realized I am horribly socially inept and stupid and that I’m better off isolating myself from society. I lack the skills to know how to act in society, how to act around women, or how to behave myself. I am better off as a singular autonomous unit. I also took the drastic step, despite an uptick in “profile views”, to delete my account on CatholicMatch because I’m, frankly put, the prototypical creepy dating site creeper. I do not belong there nor around women.
-I also am realizing that I do not fit into the Catholic young adult community. I am better-off associating with non-Catholics from now on as I belong there, not with the young adults. I am too ill-adjusted, weird, and awkward to fit in. They’re too gentle, kind, and loving and I do not deserve (nor am I capable) of being amongst them.
-Let’s also add-in the fact that the economy sucks, I have trouble finding jobs (luckily I got a good interview this past week and this is something I’m confident about…one solitary bright note here), and the fact that I’m beginning to see myself as a useless, unskilled college graduate without the skills necessary to get jobs (okay not that bad, that’s how I feel right now).
-Oh and let’s add the fact that my living arrangements expose me to frequent emotional abuse and I have no way out in the immediate future. Further reinforces my uselessness.
Basically I’d love to die in my sleep tonight. And if I dont, then to completely withdraw from society and let my sweet, kind, gentle nature die and be replaced by bitterness and darkness. Despite my being described as being “sweet” and “kind” by others I realize that this is merely a facade put on.
Right now I’m listening to some Marilyn Manson and I can really relate to the man. I can see how he became how he did and a part of me wants to become bitter like him.
That will be all for tonight. If you want some Manson links lemme know, I have several.