I seriously need prayers...I'm at a very bad point in my life


#1

I can honestly say this is one of the few times in my life where I feel isolated, alone, wrong, evil, and I honestly feel like going to bed and never waking-up again. It would be a wonderful thing, in fact!

The very basics:

-I just lost a friendship over what I realized was inappropriate behaviors and treating the person more like a therapist rather than a friend. It was bad enough (apparently, although I never really realized that anything was wrong) that the friend’s boyfriend got involved and told me to stop. It was unpleasant, awkward, and we’ve agreed to never speak again. It’s bad enough for me that I never want to see the particular parish she’s from ever again. And guess what? Now that I think about it there are at least two other girls I’ve done this too without realizing! Wow, what a wonderful record! Probably will get worse for me, too.

-I also realized that I seek “therapy” from too many of my friends and have decided to not only stop asking for advice from my friends but to also (for a short while) stop associating with my friends altogether to clear my mind. This will likely include not going to my normal parish for awhile but going elsewhere. I’ve also decided to not ask for advice from friends anymore but to make my decisions solely by myself using my own reasoning skills. All of this confirms that, frankly, nobody cares about our problems as people…we have to abandon everyone and deal with it ourselves.

-I also realized that apparently I can’t communicate, don’t listen well, and it takes me several “tries” before I finally learn a lesson or take someone’s advice because it takes that long for it to get into my head. I apparently am a moron.

-I also realized I am horribly socially inept and stupid and that I’m better off isolating myself from society. I lack the skills to know how to act in society, how to act around women, or how to behave myself. I am better off as a singular autonomous unit. I also took the drastic step, despite an uptick in “profile views”, to delete my account on CatholicMatch because I’m, frankly put, the prototypical creepy dating site creeper. I do not belong there nor around women.

-I also am realizing that I do not fit into the Catholic young adult community. I am better-off associating with non-Catholics from now on as I belong there, not with the young adults. I am too ill-adjusted, weird, and awkward to fit in. They’re too gentle, kind, and loving and I do not deserve (nor am I capable) of being amongst them.

-Let’s also add-in the fact that the economy sucks, I have trouble finding jobs (luckily I got a good interview this past week and this is something I’m confident about…one solitary bright note here), and the fact that I’m beginning to see myself as a useless, unskilled college graduate without the skills necessary to get jobs (okay not that bad, that’s how I feel right now).

-Oh and let’s add the fact that my living arrangements expose me to frequent emotional abuse and I have no way out in the immediate future. Further reinforces my uselessness.

Basically I’d love to die in my sleep tonight. And if I dont, then to completely withdraw from society and let my sweet, kind, gentle nature die and be replaced by bitterness and darkness. Despite my being described as being “sweet” and “kind” by others I realize that this is merely a facade put on.

Right now I’m listening to some Marilyn Manson and I can really relate to the man. I can see how he became how he did and a part of me wants to become bitter like him.

That will be all for tonight. If you want some Manson links lemme know, I have several.


#2

Hi LotusCarsLtd,

I am about to go to Mass and will pray for you.

What was it that the girl would involve her boyfriend, and the boyfriend told you to stop using the girl more as a therapist than a friend? It's just a little strange, the girl's and her bf's behavior. If she didn't want to listen to your problems, she could have done something less drastic, such as reducing the amount of contact with you, and telling herself, rather than letting her bf tell you, that she was tired of listening to your problems. Did the girl and her bf perceive the situation as if you were coming between the two of them?

Anyway, in my world, listening to a friend's problems is just part of friendship. I would share my problems with friends, and would listen to and comfort my friends amid their hardships, and we wouldn't even charge each other a psychiatrist's fee. ;) Maybe we would invite each other for a coffee (cost $2-5), lunch (cost $5-10), or simply take a good walk while talking to each other, now that's priceless. :p

Had I dumped all my friends who had problems at one time or another, I would have no friends left at all by now. And fortunately my friends would stick with me, too, through thick and thin. And I had my own ups and downs to share, in my life. :o

Take heart, LotusCarsLtd, God loves you, and we your brothers and sisters in Him, love you too. :wave: :hug1:


#3

Do not worry.

I can sincerly sympathise with you about not “fitting in” to the Catholic young adult community - the only friends I have who are not over sixty are Friars and my Parish Priest. Whilst it is sometimes difficult; not all of us are able to so easily involve ourselves with the youth of today; nor so do we all desire to. As you are only a young individual I can only advocate that you do not needlessly fret over these issues.

So; when you say;

I can honestly say this is one of the few times in my life where I feel isolated, alone

I can truly sympatise.

However; you continued by saying you feel

wrong, evil, and I honestly feel like going to bed and never waking-up again. It would be a wonderful thing, in fact!

Whilst it is no doubt true that you are flawed; aren’t we all flawed and imperfect people? You certainly don’t sound like an evil person; and you certainly should not be desiring not to wake up again; for - whilst I concede that it would certainly require less effort; it would not be a good thing. For; whilst the world looks bleak it is certainly not; we find in it what good we can – even Raskolnikov would rather “stand on a narrow ledge forever; in darkness and tempest; than die at once”.

I also realized that I seek “therapy” from too many of my friends and have decided to not only stop asking for advice from my friends but to also (for a short while) stop associating with my friends altogether to clear my mind.

Were you so wrong you would not see your faults; it is clear however that you do - and not just that; that you are seeking to try and ammend and remedy them. These are not the actions of a “wrong” or an “evil” person; merely one who has made a mistake and is genuinely trying to fix themselves.

This will likely include not going to my normal parish for awhile but going elsewhere.

You should always be welcome at your Parish; regardless of what mistakes you have made. If the lady you were in a friendship with cannot forgive you in the house of God then that is her tragedy; not yours.

I also realized that apparently I can’t communicate, don’t listen well, and it takes me several “tries” before I finally learn a lesson or take someone’s advice because it takes that long for it to get into my head. I apparently am a moron.

You see; and take on board the problems and criticisms others give of you. This openness to change and to the remedy of our mistakes allows us to grow. And no; you are certainly **not **a moron - this is evident even from your literacy.

I also realized I am horribly socially inept and stupid and that I’m better off isolating myself from society. I lack the skills to know how to act in society, how to act around women, or how to behave myself. I am better off as a singular autonomous unit. I also took the drastic step, despite an uptick in “profile views”, to delete my account on CatholicMatch because I’m, frankly put, the prototypical creepy dating site creeper. I do not belong there nor around women.

Do not think because at present you feel unable to engage in a healthy relationship that you are not able to enjoy the company of female friends; or for that matter; do not think you will always be unable to engage with people in the future. It would be a rare man who was able to act perfectly around women. I speak from experience; as a man in his early twenties who has never sought relationships; it is so because I am not at present able to - it does not mean in the future; I shall be unable; the same applies to you. However; it seems prudent for you to take a break from dating at present; until you feel able to continue again - we are not obligated to date people.

I also am realizing that I do not fit into the Catholic young adult community. I am better-off associating with non-Catholics from now on as I belong there, not with the young adults. I am too ill-adjusted, weird, and awkward to fit in. They’re too gentle, kind, and loving and I do not deserve (nor am I capable) of being amongst them.

Just because you feel unable to enjoy the company of young Catholics; does not mean you are unable to enjoy the company of older ones. I myself lack the Charity and Patience to tolerate the nattering of younger people; and thus I do not. However; there are doubtless many Good Catholic people who are perhaps more mature. You should Never feel you do not belong with Catholics.

Let’s also add-in the fact that the economy sucks, I have trouble finding jobs

I cannot speak from experience here as I work for myself; but surely if you persist you will find what Job it is you need. You should have faith in yourself and God for this to happen.

Oh and let’s add the fact that my living arrangements expose me to frequent emotional abuse and I have no way out in the immediate future. Further reinforces my uselessness.

No one should be subjected to abuse of any kind; emotional, physical etc. You have a right not to be abused where you live. Just because someone is so petty they must abuse others does not mean those they abuse are useless; but merely confirms the inadequacy of the abuser. You are not useless; you are stronger than those who mock you; as you do not have to resort to such childish nonsense. If I were you; looking for somewhere else to live would be a good idea; if you are having trouble finding work;** have you considered going on a residential voluntary activity - this would give you work experience and skills; and also take you away from the home you live in and provide for your material needs?**


#4

All right Now---you just hang in there because once you get that/a job and someone to share your time with this will all be just a faint memory.

Everything will and always does have a way of lining itself out even when everything seems the bleakest. So what, you have made a few mistakes---we all have and have lived through them and guess what, some of the mistakes turned out to be the best thing to ever happen. You might not realize that for awhile though. :cool:

That job--that girl will show up seemingly out of nowhere. Hang in there. I'm off to Mass here shortly and will add you on my list. :thumbsup:


#5

God is listening and we (your brothers and sisters in Christ) are here for you.

You've told us what your NOT (your problems), now lets get moving on what you ARE and build on that.

Remember that song from Santa Clause is Coming to Town...Just Put One Foot in Front of the Other...And Soon You'll be Walking Out the Door.

Just take that first step knowing that the most important part of it all is that God loves you for who you are - Stay focused on Christ and everything will work out just fine.


#6

I will Pray for you. Believe me I know the pain that you are in. Although the circumstances are different I suffer through each day in horrible pain and agony. I do not write this to offer you false hope. I offer to you, for whatever comfort that it may bring you, the fact that from your letter, there may still be hope for you. Pray to Our Lord that you meet your Soul Mate. God comes first but maybe someone is out there who will understand you and help you.Maybe they will lift your Spirit and take care of you while you are on this earth. If you find this person hold on to them and treat them with Love as God commands. Pray to Our Lord for guidance so that you can be ready when that time comes. Pray to our Lord and beg him that you never do anything to lose this person.
I offer these words to you because that is what I am losing. And, I do not even know why. I have Loved my wife always and put her before myself. I have made mistakes but have done nothing wrong.Yet, I sit here totally helpless. Only Our Lord and my Wife can change this and It appears that is not what is going to happen. But, if God brings this person into your Life Keep Our Lord first.
Maybe you can find solace in these words because they come from someone who knows that some of us need that one person in our lives, who with God's Mercy and his will, will be there for us.God Bless you and I will Pray for you.I Pray that God bring this person to you and allows you to keep them.


#7

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:1, topic:207393"]
I also am realizing that I do not fit into the Catholic young adult community. I am better-off associating with non-Catholics from now on as I belong there, not with the young adults. I am too ill-adjusted, weird, and awkward to fit in. They're too gentle, kind, and loving and I do not deserve (nor am I capable) of being amongst them.

[/quote]

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:1, topic:207393"]
Oh and let's add the fact that my living arrangements expose me to frequent emotional abuse and I have no way out in the immediate future. Further reinforces my uselessness.

[/quote]

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:1, topic:207393"]
Basically I'd love to die in my sleep tonight. And if I dont, then to completely withdraw from society and let my sweet, kind, gentle nature die and be replaced by bitterness and darkness. Despite my being described as being "sweet" and "kind" by others I realize that this is merely a facade put on.

Right now I'm listening to some Marilyn Manson and I can really relate to the man. I can see how he became how he did and a part of me wants to become bitter like him.

That will be all for tonight. If you want some Manson links lemme know, I have several.

[/quote]

First of all, don't do anything stupid.

I can understand the frustrations within the Chi-town Catholic young adult community, as there are some groups that can be wishy-washy and make you wonder if they are really Catholic. But regarding the last statement regaerding you not deserving to be amongst gentle, kind people - perhaps you are being too harsh on yourself?

Let me ask you somethibng - do you work out at all at a gym? Maybe a bit of exercise (weights, running. bicycling, swimming, hitting the heavy bag, maybe sparring with someone) could release some stress.


#8

I don't have any great words of wisdom here but I just want you to know you are not alone. I think many of us feel like this at one point or another in our lifetime. It does get better but you have to help it get better. Pray, go to Mass, spend time with healthy, life-affirming music, go outside for a walk, get the fresh air, volunteer at a shelter, talk with your priest, etc. Make that decision that you WANT to feel better, then lay out a gameplan that can help you achieve that goal. Stay away from behavior that you know will not help you (the manson music, the self-focused thinking, the withdrawal from other Catholics, etc) :console:


#9

Right now I'm listening to some Marilyn Manson and I can really relate to the man. I can see how he became how he did and a part of me wants to become bitter like him.

dude, it's so much better to read the psalms then to drink at the well of Manson's hate-thyself bile. the psalmist David knew about being outside of, abandoned, mocked, scorned, humiliated and dissed to the core. read him instead.

LC, back when i was a drunk (26 years ago) i had a lot of behaviors that set me up for bad outcomes like you're experiencing.. in the deepest core of my heart, i believed God Himself had a black sense of humor-- i believed it because i felt completely like a BAD JOKE.

i'm not going to tell you the happy story of being married 22 years, fitting into my own life and in my own skin, and not terribly burdened by what others think of me. but that story is true and it did happen.

what i'm going to tell you is this:
back then, i was exceedingly self-centered. i suffered from a case of terminal uniqueness. i thought everything i felt/ did/ experienced was SOOOOO unique to me (most times i thought i was a gross unique; rarely, but sometimes i did think i was a glowing, brilliant unique.) but my terminal uniqueness caused me to seek "therapy" with people who quickly tired of me.

and my self-centeredness caused me to always have a motive. all my kindnesses and generosities werent really -- it was really BARGAINING. i used to try and buy loyalty/ intimacy/ understanding.

i was a gaping hole.

when i did finally (after much pain and humiliation) gain some HUMILITY--when i began to have the inkling that i wasnt so profoundly, disporportionately, unwieldily unique-- i relied less and less on others to FIX me, validate me, walk my life with me, and i began to treat others NOT as saviors, but as people.

people. just like me.

and just like you.

LC if you get the job, work hard. keep your head down. pray a lot. maybe daily Mass? certainly daily rosary. volunteer with folks who can't easily validate you--- persons with developmental disabilities, old persons, homeless persons. just GIVE. don't take. whatever you need, ask God for it. do this for a while.

if you dont get the job, do all this AND look for work every day.

dress as unimaginatevely as you can. keep yourself clean. *** don't try*** to be noticed in any way.

in the end LC, i think you simply need a lot of practice disciplining your self-centeredness , which will , over time, make clearer your boundaries with others. then you will be able to define those boundaries; respect those boundaries.

discipline yourself and go to God for fixing. go to God for validation. go to God.


#10

Wow. Awesome post.

:blessyou:


#11

First of all, thank you all for your help. I have definitely cooled-off since yesterday and I feel better (although after reading some of these responses I have that depressed unsettled feeling when I consider that I have serious problems that need to be addressed).

Second, here's what I'm thinking. I see myself as having serious problems (lack of confidence, self hate, weak self esteem, scrupulosity, sexual habits, etc.) so I emailed a counselling group in the hopes of getting therapy because I see myself as needing it.

Third, there is this girl I met that I think is interested in me. But I feel that maybe at this time I'm not suited to dating because of my problems. When I consider it I think that this would just complicate things and ruin the relationship. But then there's this girl who's involved in my life and that confuses things. I just need to think it through.

Fourth, the last poster mentioned self-centeredness being a problem. Is it true? I'm not sure. We're all self-centered to a certain extent but I'm not sure how big a problem it is in my life, if at all (hence the therapy).

Fifth, in reference partially to my fourth point, I think I have problems with being too hard on myself and having a poor perception of reality. I may feel that, for example, someone ignoring me is angry at me when in reality they might be tired, zoned-out, or just not talking right then and there...you know, things like that. I am scrupulous so that complicates things and makes it extremely difficult to make decisions or know for sure that I have a problem because I can't know what's truly a problem or just a matter of perception. I am, as a friend noted, indecisionate.

That's the update for now. Thank you all for your help!


#12

To quickly address some points I didn't cover:

-My issue with the Catholic groups isn't a lack of orthodoxy. They are, luckily, very orthodox. But while I am an orthodox Catholic I have unorthodox musical interests, ways of approaching and viewing things, and an unorothdox/weird/quirky attitude. It's not that they don't accept me (they do) it's just that on certain subjects, like music, I have trouble fitting in with Catholics because of my unorthodox musical interests. Not all of them are necessarily fans of late '70's New Wave/Post Punk, for instance.

So no, I don't have trouble with the kids because of a lack of orthodoxy. I just feel like I don't fit in necessarily, but this could simply be a matter of poor perception.


#13

Ditto! :blessyou:


#14

"But then there's this girl who's involved in my life and that confuses things. I just need to think it through."

It's great that you're getting feedback from so many different people...it's so amazing...the experiences shared, the love and care that is being shown here.

This may sound a little off topic, but I've got a a good ole fashioned tip for you: don't seek out female friendships. I'm in my mid 40s, and back in my day we may have had casual "friendships" with the opposite sex, but clearly I did not hang out with my male friends and get super close to them, for the simple reason that lust may end up being a problem at some point (playing with fire) and male and females operate very differently. I know it sounds very old school...but it seems odd that so many young people have "best friends" of the opposite sex...then it seems things in their relationships in general go a bit haywire. I see it happen over and over.

If you could find a men's Bible Study somewhere, or good Men's group of some kind, I think you'd get the right kind of affirmation, encouragement you need. And overall getting grounded with how completely loved you are by the Father...right now in your pit...will transform you. Through giving, scripture/prayer, and fellowship (with godly men), you could find yourself climbing out;)


#15

I wanted t reiterate the fact that if you don't land that job, do something positive to fill your time with constructive activity rather than languishing for hours on end which allows the emotions to work overtime (usually not a good thing).

Monica's advice about volunteering is really excellent. As you first give your time and physical energy to this, soon your mind and heart will follow. If nothing else, find one of Mother Theresa's convents and offer to do chores so that they can focus on the people they are serving, in a homeless center, or pray in front of an abortion clinic. Go to daily Mass as well. God loves you. Please keep us posted. You're in my prayers.


#16

Your post sounds similar in some regards to what I went through once, though nothing as serious, I was just generally a person who was always asking others for advice.

You just need to start making decisions yourself mate, don’t think too much about anything else or how you’ve lost friendships over this, regret gets you no where. As you start to do your own thing, you’ll be more confident and stronger, and your personality will change, and then at that point your old friendships may come back again.

Good luck.


#17

i've been thinking about your responses, Lotus, and about how it's hard for you to see that your responses draw clear lines to my assertions and advice.

happiness, LotusC, is an inside job. it's between me and God and begins inside of me, God's graces working inside of me, me changing my choices for me, me changing my behaviors.

it's the same for everybody- but lots of us dont know this. lots of us think happiness comes from what another person or group of people can do for us/ give us/ accept us/ appreciate us.

so today, i offer you 2 things. one is a quote. if i got tattoos, it would be this. (but hidden-- because to plaster it across my forearm sort of UNDOES the spirit of the quote, no?) and here it is: “To seek approval is to have no resting place, no sanctuary. Like all judgment, approval encourages a constant striving. It makes us uncertain of who we are and of our true value. Approval cannot be trusted. It can be withdrawn at any time no matter what our track record has been. It is as nourishing of real growth as cotton candy. Yet many of us spend our lives pursuing it.” rachel naomi remen

my second offering is a prayer that fits REALLY good with the quote (should you happen to believe the quote. ) daily recitation of this prayer was one of the hardest Lenten disciplines i ever had. it's called the litany of humility:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…


#18

Now taking into consideration some more things here are my thoughts:

-I still think I need therapy. A part of me thinks that maybe I can do a lot of this myself but therapy is at least a better way of dealing with problems like this.

-Someone made mention of "find that special someone" but I'm not sure if this is a good idea. I mean, yeah, in theory it seems great. But wouldn't it just be a crutch?

-Not to offend anyone, but I wonder if I should be addressing these issues solely with a therapist, not people on a forum. Much for the same reasons that forums typically forbid people asking for medical advice: even if the advice given is good it's best to approach a single expert on the topic.


#19

No offense, but musical tastes are far more than a matter of opinion. Think about your musical interests, and how it relates to other interests in your life.

Is this really the kind of person you want to be listening to at this time in your life?
http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:D-V94bA4xQUGOM:http://images.thegauntlet.com/pics/marilyn_manson-band.jpg&t=1

Dunno if this helps, but try reading some of this material: artofmanliness.com/
Dressing, talking and thinking like the traditional ideal of a man has helped me in so many ways, and I you would benefit from it as well.


#20

[quote="Alexander_Smith, post:19, topic:207393"]
No offense, but musical tastes are far more than a matter of opinion. Think about your musical interests, and how it relates to other interests in your life.

Is this really the kind of person you want to be listening to at this time in your life?
http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:D-V94bA4xQUGOM:http://images.thegauntlet.com/pics/marilyn_manson-band.jpg&t=1

Dunno if this helps, but try reading some of this material: artofmanliness.com/
Dressing, talking and thinking like the traditional ideal of a man has helped me in so many ways, and I you would benefit from it as well.

[/quote]

Usually I never listen to Manson, except for those rare occasions. Most of the stuff I listen to isn't bad music by any means. And I'm not really sure what you're trying to get at with the first paragraph. I mean music influenced me to learn an instrument and start a band if that counts.

And for now (to address everyone here) I would take everyone's advice with a grain of salt until such time that I can speak with a therapist about my problems. Maybe also my priest.


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