Okay so I am 24, a Catholic from a practicing Catholic family, who are not old fashioned or overly strict but do maintain that we all live good moral lives. Generally I do help people in my life, I have a job which involves me working a lot of weekends and I do try to go to Church as often as I can, I always try to do my best to be a good person. I have always been very scared of sex and always told myself I will remain a virgin until marriage. Unfortunately in a terrible loss of morals, moment of madness and just general regret I ended up seeing an escort and lost my virginity to her. Despite being scared of it I have had a sort of unhealthy obsession with sex as I have DVDs and pictures and so on and I already was guilty enough about that but I just feel like I have snapped in this moment of madness when I did this and lost my virginity. Part of me thought by watching the DVDs and stuff, it would be enough to stop me from doing anything like this and going as far enough as to do something this bad.
As I walked away from there I was so regretful and knew I would never be able to tell anyone no matter how bad things get. I actually almost began to cry as I walked down the road, out of guilt and just pure shame in myself.
I have been worrying about STIs all day and since it happened yesterday, I am hoping in August to go to a walk in clinic and get tested on a day when I know my family will be busy. I have basically just sat in my room when I have been home searching through STIs and people writing about how they have done this and regret it and seeing if I can get advice about what to do to stop feeling like this. The problem is most of these people just feel shame and guilt about doing it and losing their virginity but they aren’t Catholic. Basically the whole time I have been home (which has been at least 15 hours has been spent doing this) and I just can’t sleep, at work I just keep thinking about it and can’t stop. Today at work I was very tired due to my lack of sleep and one of my parents today even asked me if I was okay as I didn’t seem my usual jokey self, so even though I have tried to make it unnoticeable I mustn’t be doing a good job. I just don’t know what to do.
I wish I could get my virginity back and just forget about this and I hope that I do not have any STIs or any lasting bad thoughts about this.
I really want to apologise to my parents who have brought me up against all of this (rightfully) and taught me never to do these sort of immoral things. But I feel such a failure and feel like it will greatly upset them if I tell them this. I can never tell any other family members or friends due to the shame. I have thought about telling my brother but again I just feel shame and I think telling him would make him just lose respect for me and he wouldn’t have anything productive to say. I also keep thinking if I ever do have a wife and children my life will be a lie as I could never admit to something like that to her. I realise I could go to confession but just couldn’t bring myself to say it, saying it out loud to someone will just make it feel so much more real to me, plus I am quite a nervous, twitchy, shy person and I feel like saying this to the priest may even make me feel close to crying.
At worst I have actually for a few split seconds this evening wondered if I should end it all as I feel such shame. Don’t worry though I don’t think I could ever do that and I realise it is a selfish thing to do and I couldn’t put those I love through the pain of that.
I just don’t know what to do to feel better about this, in health, mind, spirit and just in the general way I feel I have let everyone down, both my family and God.
Just in case anyone is wondering this is a very serious thread and is the truth, everything I have wrote here did happen and is how I have been feeling. Just please can anyone give me advice?
Thank you so much for your time.