A little re-run for those of you who do not know me, I am almost 19, I graduated high school last year, I am not going to school, or have a job. As my parents work, I watch over my toddler sister. My older sister, My Father, and My mother all work. I have 4 sisters total.
As a now practicing Catholic, I learned that we all have Vocations some time ago. As a child, my dream was to be a musician, I was the type of kid that air guitar’d to Power Ranger theme songs. I always wanted to be a guitarist, a lyricist, something in a band, especially a Christian band. Well, I tried the guitar, and It just did not work. Over spring break I remember talking to God about playing the Piano for him. Well, the next day my father says “So you guys don’t get bored, Let’s go buy a keyboard so you can play it.”:eek: We never buy things like that on short notice, well, it’s been some months, and If I say so myself , I am pretty good. ( I don’t mean to be cocky or anything)
BUT. I just felt like something is missing. For some time, I felt the need to become a nun. And it wasn’t like a call, It just came into my head one day. It just did not feel like my vocation. Don’t get me wrong, it is a beautiful Vocation. But, I just don’t feel it for me.It’s like my mind was forcing me to do it. ( I also am scrupulous) I have cried, been upset, prayed because I don’t know what my vocation is. I get frustrated, and I prayed to be patient. Sometimes I break. I have felt like I do not help my family because all my pupils are working, going to school for their careers, and I am at home. But lately I have thought of myself speaking in front of people, especially youth. I was upset today about some of my pupils and their “anti-religious” posts on facebook, but on my daily bike ride I passed by the church. I told God I don’t want to be angry, I want to help youth. Some don’t know their faith, act like they did, and leave it. I have pictured myself speaking infront of people and preaching. I want to do this. I felt this today, and I pray to God that if this is it, then let this Idea stay. I told him if the nun vocation was not for me then to please take it from my mind because I was so confused, and it stopped. I want to share the Gospel, and I feel it in me like I can do this. I hated speaking in front of people, and I took a course in H.S. where I was required to do this. It wasn’t so bad. But I just feel like I need to get a message out or I will explode! I have been inspired by some young speakers with moving words in some of my favorite christian groups. I always wanted to do that. And I think, well, Why CAN’T I?
I am scared that this might be one of my “phases”. As in I thought I was to be a psycologist for a short time, that passed.
Any suggestions would help me so much. Also please pray for me and my vocation, and our youth.
(I will make an appointment with a spiritual director, but sometimes the wait is a month )