I think I am under attack


#1

I understand the whole thing with Mary, that in a sense has cleared up, but something else has manifested.

As a consequence of that outburst and a subsequent sin (inflicted upon my person, so don’t worry about anyone else), I am starting to feel angry towards Christ now. It is specifically the Son, not the Father or Holy Spirit.

I’ve never felt this before. My best guess is that it is a jealousy of a more successful older brother, where my attitude towards Jesus is ‘oo look at him all saving the world, being the Christ and all’ and I feel really stupid and childish, and envious and hateful towards Christ, whom I adored as a brother, friend, Lord and God. Because of that, these feelings are unnatural and I think it has an external source, and I want everything to be as they were, but there is a barrier that is stopping me being with him and Mary.

People may say ‘but he loves you and he will come to you!’ and in the corners of my heart that only draws me more away from him, because it is really ticking me off on how ‘good’ he is…

I couldn’t get more childish if I tried, really.

Basically, I need you to pray to Jesus and Mary for me. Something is stopping me returning to who I was, and being part of my heavenly family. It may be me, it may be something else. I am left in the cold, my dear brothers and sisters, will you get my message to them, and could you offer advice? (Leave out confession - I’m going at the beginning of September. I won’t go before then because when I started out, I went weekly and it did nothing to help me progress. I’m disciplining myself to go at the beginning of every month. It has had great result so far, but this is my darkest time yet - I can’t even turn to Mary any more!)

I’m going to pray for others now. I need to keep trying, and set aside my personal affairs, and work on my sacred duty as a brother to you all.

I thank you for reading, and may God bless you should you take the effort to help a wayward pilgrim such as myself.


#2

I didn’t read all that, but it won’t stop me commenting [grin]:

Try not to overthink your religion, and go to confession anyway. Peace comes from God and agitation from the Devil. Make haste slowly.

Have you noticed your agitation isn’t truly helping you? If you sin, don’t beat yourself up about it, just make a quiet resolve to do better in future.


#3

well read all of it! How can you help me if you do not know what is happening?

I think the problem stems from Mary and Jesus’ opinion of me. That, even if I were to come back to them, they would somehow look down on me, and are ashamed of me somehow, and only love me out of pity rather than joy.

I said that I hated them, and told them to go away. I’m frightened. Part of me wants to be away from them, but another part fears me dying without them.

I want to love them, God help me if I everything is not made right… I can’t bear their absence. It’s a feeling of ‘nothing will be right again’, that I have done too much to scar them and hurt them, and they will remember what I did, and think less of me, even if they forgive me.


#4

All right.

How can you, a mortal, hurt the most powerful beings in the Universe?

Search on the word ‘scrupulousity’ in this forum.

While I didn’t read all your post, I got the gist of it. Resolve to sin no more, obey the rules of the Catholic faith, pray, fast, abstain, do good works, visit the sick. Just do your best, you can do no more, eh?

If you’ve hurt someone, you apologise, and you do something to make up for it. Confess, get your penance, and investigate plenary indulgences.

Just don’t get ‘het up’ about it, as we say in the UK. How does your anguish help anything?

Easy for me to say, I suppose, but consider that it might just be a bad habit, like a superstar hurling his wig on the stage and storming off.

What’s done is done, and can’t be undone. If you feel you have done something bad, you can make up for it, in a good spirit. Just don’t do anything crazy.

Remember, our Master and Lady are kind. They are loving, as well as just


#5

Jesus will You please take this little brother of ours under Your wing. He’s getting a bit obstreperous! Our dear brother it sounds as if you are very frustrated with yourself for not being as good as you 'should be’
Move over, join the club! There’s an awful lot of us who are not as good as we should be!

You think our Brother might be disgusted that you’re jealous of His goodness! He is more likely to feel compassionate, but with a bit of amusement thrown in! If you are jealous of His goodnes than you really are his little brother, or wouldn’t have such feelings.

I do recall at some stage thinking, “It’s all right for you, Mother, you never did sin, and you never had the sorrow of seeing your beloved Son sin.” But He did break her heart though! He had to go and do all that preaching and she heard the rumours! She knew he was putting the authorities offside, and sure enough, He put himself so far that they ended up murdering Him! Her only Son. And she had to stand there seeing him utterly degraded, abused beyond recognition.

Do you se how I and your other poster react? with affection, witha touch of afffectionate amusement, and believe it, with gentle love! Do you think our Mother and our brother react a whole lot differently? Hugging you, Trishie


#6

Regarding holiness
Dear Jesus, please reveal brilliantly to all, that You do not require that individuals need to be regarded as Saints, in order to be Your saints. Assure them that holiness is Your action, not ours! Let them read the gospels and reflect on what they read, discovering that You were truly human, that you wept, felt pain, joy, and exasperation, “How long do I have to put up with this faithless generation!”) [Mark 9:19]

You became angry [in the Temple].
You were sometimes disappointed, sometimes weary.
You felt the need to be alone, and the desire to escape a dreadful ordeal (“let this cup pass from me”). [Luke 22:42]
Then in the depths of suffering, You found faith difficult, (“My God, why have You abandoned me?”) [Psalm 22:1]

Why did not the evangelists record Your laughter! How sober of them! However, they do record as Your lyrical delight over little children, (“Blessed are You, Father, Lord of Heaven and Earth! You have revealed to little ones, the mysteries of Your Kingdom!” [Matthew 11:25]

Jesus, ask Your people to observe that You lived the ordinary life for about thirty years. If You had not wanted to make such an issue about being vulnerably human, You could have come as a glorious, fully developed human Personage. Jesus, truly human, truly God, help us to become fully human, fully whole.


#7

In failure
Jesus, I put my trust in the apparent failure of the Cross, for You are condemned to a criminal’s execution and it seems that Your mission has failed, You who alone could redeem humanity.

Who can accept that it is God-incarnate whose sweat and blood drips into the dust, from Your drained, dishonoured body! Yet Your human cry of abandonment by the Father is belied by the triumph of love and faith in Your final confident submission. You die, but You have not betrayed the Father’s trust.

Jesus, to my sadness, I fail in many ways and sin against others by my failures. Have I betrayed Your will or mistaken Your purpose? Will You restore me to grace now, Jesus? To do what? Will You show me? Will You fuse together the broken pieces—of my life, of my service—to make a new and better creation? Am I to step around the fragments and to pass another way?

I ask to walk with certainty along the path of holiness that You choose uniquely for me. If not, then please allow me the certainty of buoyant faith. I ask courage to continue through the enveloping fog, trusting each small moment to the illumination of faith and grace.

Jesus out of my failure and sorrow You will bring healing and goodness luminescent as priceless pearls grown around grains of suffering, for Your glory, and for others’ remedy and blessing.

“If you feel too lazy to pick up a bit of thread, and yet do so for love of Jesus, you acquire more merit than for a much nobler action done in a moment of fervour. Instead of grieving, be glad that, by allowing you to feel your own weakness, our Lord is furnishing you with an opportunity of saving a greater number of souls.” (Saint Therese of Lisieux)

Thy will be done
God, self is a subtle thief—the avenue by sin drains time, resources, and sadly, Your children, away from You in compromise and self-seeking.

Awareness of my faults and failures makes me doubt that You can use me for Your loving purposes. Through such doubt, I can frustrate Your desires in me and cheat others of unique graces You intend for them through me. My humanity with its gifts, can steal me from You.

Yet, our God, **You chose to use for Your Son ‘frail human flesh’ to obtain our fallen nature’s redemption. You watched Him laugh and weep, eat and walk with sinners and with ordinary people **as He taught Your love and will. You saw Him touch and heal disease and sin…resist temptation that His humanness gave Him…and achieve submission and faith even in abandonment and death.

Through Jesus, You therefore give me confidence to ask You to hold me always in Your presence and in Your love and service through all the vicissitudes of my life. You give me courage to know that when I ask You to use me to the fullest extent of Your will, it is not pride, but humility—for I am nothing in myself, but in You, all is possible. Leave me not simply in this knowledge, our God, but for sake of others, whom You created me to serve, please continually love through me.

Let me discern the difference between my interpretation and Your will itself, so that Your perspectives become mine.

Hold me always in Your arms and keep my eyes on Your Face. Bathe me continually in Jesus’ blood and fill me with His life. Thereby, You may be glorified and shown to Your people that they may be drawn closer for the fact that You have given me existence and faith. Thank You, God, because by Your Love You will accomplish these.


#8

Jesus and ordinary life
Jesus, God and man, for most of Your life You lived amongst us in unobtrusive labour. Through Your witness, we are encouraged to value the mundane tasks and events that dominate our lives.

Let us not overlook the value and message of the silent gospel of Your years of ‘ordinary’ service, overshadowed as they are by the drama of those last three years. **It is surely a powerful silent witness that You, God incarnate, spent thirty years apparently ‘marking time’ in ordinary activity…as helpless infant…as refugee…as child of a poor family…as village tradesman. Thus is the ordinary, unrecognised and unrecorded routine of our daily lives elevated and sanctified while yet in obscurity, when it is lived in accordance with divine will. **

In response to Your quiet example and Your inspired Word, we desire grace to live and work lovingly amongst others, obeying Your will as expressed in our vocations and our individual natures. The brief account of Your infancy and childhood emphasises this lesson. Although at twelve You revealed Your unique nature, You returned to humble daily activity.

We observe Your favoured human Mother, in her option to reject or cooperate with divine will for her life. Her acceptance carried with it some treasured secrets, but **largely the ordinary life of human motherhood and home duties commonplace in the lives of multitudes of women throughout the centuries. Surely, her faith and hope were frequently tested in remembrance of divine promise in the face of ‘ordinary’ realities. ** Ultimately, however, her choice led to mental and emotional martyrdom.

Jesus, along with every human, You faced the choice to employ or misuse, the life, the gifts, and the trust reposed in You. You could embrace or refuse the alluring, deceptive temptations of the devil—gaudy and dramatic with ambition, sensuality and worldliness. Rejecting these temptations, You remained faithful to the God’s will, despite hardship, disappointment and sorrow.

Following almost thirty years of humble obscurity, You began public ministry, openly teaching and exemplifying the truths of the eternal Father, and fulfilling the covenant. Even as You took up Your divine ministry, You remained loving, obedient, wise and trusting. You accepted the realities of Your humanity, not vicariously, but fully, sacrificing this humanity in the culmination of every human deprivation and suffering. Your entire being became ‘a living wound’. [Isaiah]

Following annihilation in Your humanity, You resurrected, to consummate Your defeat of sin and death for humankind.
You are witness that each person must accept divine will in the realities and actualities of our personal existences as we follow You our Way to life.

Jesus, grant us to shoulder our daily cross lovingly, cheerfully and creatively, regardless of how arduous or ineffectual our lives may seem to ourselves. Grant us to bear our cross with perseverance, hope and peace, so that You may use us to open heaven to others who live within our influence. Thank You, Jesus, key of our salvation!


#9

Contrition
God, I have sinned against others, against myself, and against You. I am unworthy to be Your child. I have offended Your goodness and Your dream of who I really am. I may have denied You the joy of blessings that You wish for me and for others through me.

You alone know the entire consequences of my failure. Yet Jesus assures us that You joyfully celebrate my return from sin, and run to welcome and reclaim me as Your own. I want to value myself as Your child, knowing that all worth and holiness comes from You.

In trust, I will not accuse myself for sins already forgiven and absolved or for temptation if I have not actually sinned. I believe that temptation can be overcome by Your grace, inspiring greater faithfulness to the Gospel and the Sacraments.

Look on those tasks of love and service that I fail to undertake or to complete, and bring them to completion. Please bring out of my failures, such fruits of these new opportunities enhanced beyond all previous expectation, for from our human betrayal of Your divine plan of Creation, Your mercy wrought the magnificent plan of redemption that reverberates through time and eternity!

In Your mercy, please transform into good all that in weakness or ignorance I may spoil. I want to give blessing that is abundant beyond original possibility, to anyone I ever harm or deprive. May I so belong to You, may I be so transformed by Your love, that my faults no longer are sin or offence in Your sight and can foster nothing that impedes Your will. This, my soul in trusting confidence implores.

Archus, do you think I wrote this and a lot of other stuff because I am good? Nor, Love, I wrote it because I like all the others, am trying to grope towards being the child of our Father and our Broth and our Mother that I ‘should’ be. But you know what, they just love us anyway!


#10

soooo will my past affect their love for me?

I have read the parable of the prodigal son, and it seems to me that it doesn’t matter what the son did, even if the father knew of his actions - the father is just happy he has returned. There is no resentment that he had squandered his money, or any sign that he thinks less of him. If anything, they love him more.

Is this what it is like with God the Father, Mary, Christ and me?

I have said a St. Michael Chaplet, and about to begin my nightly Rosary. I cannot expect my relationship with Mother, Father and Brother to be the same. It will have to build up again. However, I think this is a good thing, because now it can be made stronger and better, because I now know how important they are to me, and it is an oppertunity for me to learn about them, and our bond to become closer from my experience and new learning. Would you agree?


#11

You said, “I want to love them, God help me if I everything is not made right… I can’t bear their absence. It’s a feeling of ‘nothing will be right again’, that I have done too much to scar them and hurt them, and they will remember what I did, and think less of me, even if they forgive me.”

But you know what they hear in what you’re saying?
That you** want** to love them so much that you actually do really love them as family.

Apostles, pray for our restoration and faith
Dear Apostles of Jesus, many of us experience crucifixion in our lives and in the lives of dear ones, as you did. Please pray for us and guide us, so that if loss and pain engulfs others’ lives or our own, we will continue to pray and evangelise.

You were His chosen companions. Your hearts were broken and your lives shattered by the terrible betrayal and death of your great hope Jesus. He had preached love and faith; He had preached the Kingdom to which He claimed all persons are called. Defeated and disgraced with no more honour than the vilest criminal, He was tortured, executed and buried.

His words and acts now meant nothing, as all of you—except John—scattered and hid to avoid a similar fate. Disillusioned, you wondered if the last few years were a shameful mistake. Were you betrayed by your discipleship to this condemned man?
Poor men, how could you reconcile the terrible events of this Passover with the Son of God, the Saviour whom you had believed Jesus to be! How could this disgrace, loss, and failure be the end to which He, and possibly yourselves, could be destined!

**Peter, you, His appointed one, denied even an acquaintanceship with Him. How great your shock and your disillusionment when the full realisation of your perfidy assailed you! **

***Remember, Jesus asked him if he loved him three times, the same number of times Peter betrayed Him. Jesus required him to say, "I love you the same three times. Then Jesus utterly forgave him and commissioned him to serve the Church. So as may times as you’ve done that, do as Peter did. Tell them you love them. And you do, my dear little brother!!!***]

Only John returned to stand beneath the cross with the grieving women. Beloved John! Shaking with grief and shock, you stood there, gutted by the unbelievable tragedy unfolding before you. Faith and love supported you, yet did you not experience the same terrible emptiness and loss as your fellow apostles and other disciples?

Dear Apostles, throughout the ages, countless individuals experience in some way the crucifixion of a loved one, or of themselves, and the consequent challenge to hope and faith. They may feel emptiness, or loss of zeal. They may lose all trust in the living, merciful God.

Pray for them, for us, that in such periods we may be faithful, regardless of broken heart and anguish of spirit. Pray that we may be restored to hope, to trust, to prayer, to active service of love in the Kingdom. Intercede for such resurrection in us. Implore the Holy Spirit to come and restore our spirits, making us true apostles of Jesus. Pray that we become evangelists, enabling the Spirit to draw others into the Kingdom of God.

Thank you, Apostles of Jesus, whose weaknesses mirror our weakness, and whose restored faith, zeal, and courage, inspire us. Pray for us who are your sisters and brothers throughout the ages. Share your blessings with us. Pray that we shall receive in fullness those precious gifts of His love that He longs for us to share and distribute.

Obtain that we honour and delight our God with all heart and strength. Then, when at last our souls rise to join yours, we shall enjoy eternity at your side, honouring and loving the great Son of God, whom we once betrayed out of our fear and selfishness.

There isn’t a single saint who didn’t battle with human weakness even the twelve Jesus chose. Do you see I’m trying to put things into perspective for you?
And St Padre Pio said: “Walk with simplicity in the way of the Lord and do not torment your spirit.”
He also said, “Be certain that the more a soul loves God, the less he feels it…God is incomprehensible…so that the more a soul enters into the love of this Supreme Good…this sentiment of love towards Him seems to diminish, to the point of seeming to love Him not at all…Say rather that you love, and that you wish to love with a perfect and consummate love. This good cannot be obtained in its completion except in the next life!”


#12

Sorry Trishie, I was editing this while you were responding. Here you go.


#13

If your repentance is sincere, and you do your best not to sin again, you’re fine. Go to confession to get absolution, and begin again with a clean heart.

From memory: The Prodigal Son got fed up with living with swine, and eating their swill, so he went home, and was surprised and delighted with the welcome he got.

TIP: It’s late where I am, and I find problems seem worse in the wee hours. When I’ve been able to get to bed early I’ve been surprised how much more hopeful I am in the early morning. So it’s useful to watch your body as well as your mind.

PS: I didn’t read what Trishie posted either. There’s a convention amongst internet users: TL;DR - Too Long; Didn’t Read. It’s a mild rebuke, no insult intended; just a quick way of encouraging people to be succinct. It helps them too if they can get to the heart of what they truly mean.


#14

I have read the parable of the prodigal son, and it seems to me that it doesn’t matter what the son did, even if the father knew of his actions - the father is just happy he has returned. There is no resentment that he had squandered his money, or any sign that he thinks less of him. If anything, they love him more.
**
They never loved you less!**

Is this what it is like with God the Father, Mary, Christ and me?
**
Yes**

I have said a St. Michael Chaplet, and about to begin my nightly Rosary. I cannot expect my relationship with Mother, Father and Brother to be the same. It will have to build up again.

It will never be the same because you know more now. This is a stepping stone in your spiritual life. What you’ve been through is a stepping stone to growth, but it also has been an indication that you really care, that you really love them and want them. It wasn’t what you thought!
“However, I think this is a good thing, because now it can be made stronger and better, because I now know how important they are to me, and it is an oppertunity for me to learn about them, and our bond to become closer from my experience and new learning. Would you agree?”

Absolutely


#15

My bad, man. It’s late here too and with what was going on, I lost my temper. Sorry about that.

The whole British ‘pull yourself together man!’ attitude I had not seen since Air Cadets, so thanks for that! :smiley:


#16

I think you should just rage at them. Rage and tell them that you hate them or you are angry at them etc. I’ve just come out of something similar to this, and I was raging and feeling lonely etc, but after I raged enough I burnt myself out, went to confession and the wonderful priest there said all the right things. Then I discovered the Theology of the Body and I feel safe and secured again.

God doesn’t want you to be dishonest with him. Tell Him how you feel. You WILL burn yourself out in the process, and that is where you want to be.


#17

+JMJTJ+

While being humble and contrite when we have erred…we must also guard against being scrupulous.
Most benefit from a spiritual advisor, frequent confession, regular reception of the Eucharist and daily prayer; especially in situations like yours.

May the Holy Spirit illumine and guide your spiritual journey.
**Your intentions will be in my prayers.

Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon us, and increase Your mercy in us, so that in difficult moments we might not despair, nor become despondent, but with great confidence, submit ourselves to Your Holy Will, which is Love and Mercy itself. Amen**


#18

I totally disagree with Lord Necro; never attack or insult God. It’s Satanic. He may rebuke you, in a way you won’t like.

He is a kind benefactor who has given us everything; only a cur dog would bite the Hand that feeds him.

Involuntary gripes towards God happen. Perverse thoughts happen. We sin when we embrace them rather than rejecting them.

I find it helpful to think of Jesus as a powerful King (which He is) and the Virgin Mary as a Queen, which she is.

How do you conduct yourself in front of royalty? Humbly, with bended knee and simple supplications.


#19

I’ll remember your intentions in my prayers. I’ve felt the same before. I think I woke up twice feeling prideful towards Mama Mary and Jesus. I said sorry to them, but not immediately, which I really feel sorry about. I guess we’re being victimized by evil spirits without even knowing it. Here are messages from Our Lady at Medjugorje:

Satan does not tell you his plans, but he interferes in everything. Be ready to bear everything. Do not let him find you unprepared. (16-2-82)

Do not live in uneasiness. May peace unite your hearts. Every form of disturbance comes from Satan. He is angry with those who fast and convert themselves. (15-8-83)

Today I invite you to enter into a fight against Satan through prayer. Now Satan is more active, since you are aware of his activity. Dear children, put on the armor against Satan and defeat him with the Rosary in your hands. (8-8-85)

Satan, dear children, lies in wait for each one of you. He wants especially to upset everybody in their daily activities. Therefore, I invite you, dear children, to make sure that your day be only prayer and total abandonment to God. (4-9-86)

Satan is strong and for this reason I am asking you for prayers. If you pray, Satan cannot harm you in the least because you are children of God. Let the rosary be in your hands always as a sign to Satan that you belong to Me.


#20

I am sorry for your pain. God already knew you before you were born. He knows the sins you would commit. He knows your struggles. Sometimes I believe God makes us go through them for a purpose. We all go through them differently. Slow down and take the time to listen to him. We all struggle for peace. If you do the best you can with all the little things in life, you never know all the great things that will follow. We work on his time. Keep praying steadily. Ask him to carry you. May God bless You!


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