I think I want to my sister to divorce


#1

My sister married an atheist 14 years ago, and had 3 kids with him because she thought it would make them closer, but things haven’t been good since they had their first kid, and things have gone downhill in all the years following.

He is verbally abusive to both her and the kids, he bragged to my husband about going to strip clubs, and I am convinced he is having an affair because he is gone every night for 2 to 4 hours. He has also moved out of their room into the spare room.

My sister thinks that it is better to be in a bad marriage than be divorced, but I don’t think it is good for her three sons to be in such a horrible household. He is very controlling and just awful. I could tell you stories that just make you shake your head. She wanted to see a couples counselor, but he refused to go, so she went to a counselor to deal with everything. The counselor asked her to keep a diary of all the abusive things he does. He found her journal and threw it away. She then called me and had me start writing down things so he couldn’t find it.

I can’t tell her what to do, but it seems hopeless to me. I am so sad and I wish she would just leave him. He scares me.:frowning:


#2

The best thing that you can do is listen to her. Finally putting words to what is going on and opening up to someone is the first step needed in making the decision to do something about it. I’m glad that she is going to a counselor. That will really help. The decision has to come from her, but it might be helpful if you gathered some information about what resources might be available to her should she decide to leave him.

And I can tell you first hand, there is a better life out there…


#3

As someone who has gone through some rough spots in marriage, I hope you realize that you may not be getting the whole story. Be supportive of your sister, but don’t tell who what to do or try to make decisions for her.


#4

I do listen to her, the problem is, I don’t know what to say. I try not to make my opinions known, but sometimes I have to. She doesn’t know that he has bragged about strippers to my husband, My husband didn’t even tell me until recently because he didn’t feel like making even more waves. I told her that if my husband acted like that I would leave, but I don’t say, “you should leave”. because that is ultimately her choice. I can’t imagine living in that house. Last year, I spent a month taking care of her and her boys (with my 3 girls in tow) after she had a major surgery. By the time I got home, I was completly shell shocked. Not because of the 6 kids, believe it or not, that was the easy part!, but how difficult he made things. They only had one car and he would be gone 16 hours a day. I would have to put all the kids to sleep and then take the babies with me shopping at midnight to the 24 hour grocery store across town so I could feed everyone! The worst part of it is that he is a grocery store manager and he refused to shop for the groceries when leaving the store!

I won’t even go into him yelling at me and my sister about money and then going out and buying furniture and a new tv surround sound system!


#5

I understand your hesitancy to endorse divorce. Until I lived with them and saw how bad things were last summer, I was much more positive about the situation. After I came home, I was shell shocked and newly appreciative of my marriage.

I have to admit that my sister is doing things that don’t help matters, but I think at this point she is so clinically depressed, she feels that nothing she can do is good enough for him, so she doesn’t try as hard. It is a horrible cycle. He has asked her several times for a divorce and she can’t even respond, she just cries.


#6

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