I think my "friend" has same sex attraction, what to do?

I met a really nice guy in college ten years ago and my instinct then told me he had same sex attraction (his voice and his music and television interests). At the time, I was not living the holiest life and while I thought he was one of the most wonderful people I had ever met I had no interest in dating him.

We remained friends and he has always claimed to be straight even though he has acknowledged to others that people often ask him if he is gay. I began to see him in a completely different light and began caring much more deeply for him about a year ago. Being a practicing Catholic for the last five years, I have tried to be discerning about only dating guys who would share my values about purity. He seemed so sweet and innocent, seemed to share my Christian values about chastity, and is very successful.

For several months we would go out regularly but I kept my distance because I still had the suspicion but he sat me down and told me how much he cared for me and wanted to be more than friends.

Something seemed amiss though because he stopped inviting me out as much and when I brought it up he blamed it on his career as a doctor and suggested we just be friends because I shouldn’t take a backseat to his job. I was very heartbroken but tried to understand.

Right after that he started following and liking pictures of shirtless men, men hugging and kissing at clubs, men in speedos, etc. on Instagram. I care about him as a friend but I feel so betrayed and disturbed and it’s hard for me to be his friend knowing he probably lied to me. He might not be aware that others can see his activity on there.

I do not support his lifestyle and part of me wants to confront him and push him away but on the other hand I want to control myself and be there for him as a friend because I do love him as my brother in Christ (and more).

I feel too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone and I don’t know what to do, if I should confront him or how to deal with our friendship moving forward. I am filled with so much anger and disappointment.

What should I do?

You love him unconditionally, which does not require that you remain in contact with him. Confront him if you wish, if you feel that it will help him grow spiritually. Or, just as rightly, walk away and move on with your life, and pray for him daily.

Perhaps I missed something in the post and misunderstand the situation here, but I don’t really understand why it would be necessary for him to tell you even if he is. Maybe it’s something he denies even to himself, and if so, I don’t personally think it’s right of you to expect him to tell you.

As close as you sound as friends, even if he does experience SSA, it isn’t something he must disclose to you. It isn’t inconceivable that he’s bisexual and feels attracted to both genders, in which case he wasn’t lying about wanting to be more than friends. Also, if he’s gay, it may be that he fears rejection by people he cares about and is afraid of judgement and hatred from people who may be less accepting of him due to his sexual inclinations.

If I’ve misunderstood anything do let me know. I would advise against openly confronting him about this though. That puts him in a very difficult situation, and it does sound as though he truly values your friendship and simply doesn’t want to be rejected by you if he were to tell you about this. To me, it does sound as if he doesn’t accept his SSA even if he experiences it. Just try to be understanding and charitable towards him.

I just feel like he lied to me and was leading me on by saying he wanted more from me, like he was using me as a cover up. Then I feel that his excuse for breaking up was another lie.

I know it was a mistake but I feel if he was my friend he wouldn’t have led me into this and I cringe wondering how long he would had led me on. When he reaches out to me it’s hard for me to act normal and not secretly feel hostile towards him.

He has also made comments like, you look so pretty, and I wonder if he’s reaching out for more again.

I would suggest you move beyond this “friendship”. Sometimes things happen between friends that preclude continuing the friendship. That’s life.

Trying to hold on to the “friendship” when you know you have romantic feelings for him, if you are honest with yourself, is more about you than him. Women make this “we can be friends” mistake all the time in hopes that lingering around the other person will eventually lead to more.

You cannot be friends if you want to heal emotionally and find a new guy who can reciprocate your romantic feelings.

He is obviously confused sexually, and may have been trying to convince himself he is attracted to girls by trying to make more of your relationship than was really there. It was probably not a purposeful attempt to deceive or hurt you. Let him work out his emotional and sexual confusion issues with a therapist, not with you.

I mean he’s not necessarily entirely, homosexual he could be attracted to both men and women. And even if he weren’t sexually attracted to you, it’s quite possible he was still emotionally/romantically entwined with you. I wouldn’t confront him about it, when/if he’s ready for you to know, he’ll tell you

It sounds like he is (or was) confused. Don’t feel that you have to confront him or change him. Don’t demand or expect an explanation, because he may be simply unable to explain.

What to do? Most of all, try to interpret his actions charitably. I suspect he meant well, was truly attracted to you (and still is, at some level), did not mean to deceive you, and has consistently desired your well being.

It sounds like you have some issues to work out: loss, anger, distrust, fear? It may take some time, but if you can get over that, you may find that he can be a good friend. It is not a sure thing, but it could happen.

I hope I didn’t come across as insensitive to your own feelings in my response. Other posters have given very good advice on what you can do. He might have honestly been interested in you, at least at first. I would give him the benefit of the doubt here, but do make it clear to him that comments like you mentioned are unwelcome. Time away from him would probably help you to move past romantic feelings for him.

Keep in mind that having SSA does not necessarily preclude a person from being attracted to the opposite sex. And it’s quite common for a friendship to fade due to unrequited attraction - it’s very difficult for the person with the attraction to find being around the object of their attraction difficult or painful.

you do like and care for him. I know this is really difficult. It must be hard on him too…but I believe you should give space to God…and yes put yourself out of the attachment zone. Leave it all to God…In time, it will all make sense.

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