I think my friend is gay


#1

I've suspected this for a while, the stereotypical signs are there, ie. too, too neat and tidy, very much into his personal appearance to extremes, turns down women left and right, even tells me that often he simply has no interest in women due to the harsh treatment he's faced with his past relationships, literally saying he does not know if he ever wants another woman. This list goes on and on, and the part that's really getting to me now, he's being overly physical, especially when he drinks, he also goes into these weird tangents while he's speaking and does so in with very effiment vocal tones, like a complete personality shift out of the blue.

Last night was the final straw, he was trying to pin me to the wall, holding my wrists and I felt rather violated and would not keep his hands off of me, so opted to leave the party immediately and go home.

I got a call from him apologizing for his behavior, he blamed it on the alcohol, but honestly, can you really blame it? Surely there are underlying factors involved here, us guys "at least if we are straight" simply do not behave this way no matter how much alcohol is involved., He's into reading scripture, say's outwardly that he's firmly against homosexuality, and even states that he has problems with homosexuals, but this behavior is just bizzar, and I have also heard people mention that sometimes people that are homophobic are secretly gay themselves.

Anyway, looking for some advice on how to deal with this situation, it's awkward to say the least, and I wouldn't have a problem with him as a friend if he was out of the closet, but at the same time, I would and do now have one with his invading my personal space, especially in the manner that happened last night.


#2

Gender and sexuality don’t matter in this scenario. Your friend invaded your personal space in a somewhat violent and somewhat sexual way. I’m a young woman and if any of my male friends touched me in that way, I would either slap them or remove myself from the situation, like you did.

I was in a relationship with an alcoholic at one point and the cycle was similar–jerkheaded behavior Friday night, I would leave immediately, and he would call me Saturday morning to apologize. We are just friends now, and I’ve learned not to hang out with him when alcohol is involved. If it’s unavoidable (friend’s birthday parties, for example), I remain sober so I can get in my car and leave if he makes me uncomfortable.


#3

He's gay. Straight guys do not grapple with their friends in that manner.

You need to be clear with him that you are not interested in that type of relationship (unless you are). You can still be his friend, he's going to need 'em. All the gay friends I have had an extremely tough time coming out to their parents and needed all the support they could get.


#4

I don't think hygene has anything to do with homosexuality. Since the dawn of time there have been many men that like to preen themselves. In fact, embroidery and lace were originally only for noble men. (and they made it themselves!:eek:)

This day in age there are many perfectly straight "metro sexuals"...my cousin is among them.

My brother is somewhat careful about his appearance, but after several rough relationships he hasn't dated in about 4 years.

So I think your conclusions are silly.

As far as the physical things...weither or not he is gay or just really stupid you need to put a stop to this.


#5

Rejecting women based on harsh past relationships is a legitimate reason, many men are like that.

The only reason I guess that would support him being homosexual is his physical actions towards you I guess, nothing else. Effeminate vocal tones? I make all kinds of weird noises at times when I'm bored, don't think this is a very good indication of homosexuality mate.

I don't think there's much you can do if he is homosexual, just be clear to him what you do NOT want him doing, touching your wrists and etc.


#6

Sometimes my guy friends will playfully punch each other, "beat" each other up, etc.
At the karate school I attend we do the same thing, It's just the way guys are.

HOWEVER, this was a strange way to grab someone.

Gay or straight, tell him to knock it off.


#7

agreed.

It sounds as though you have had your suspicions about him for a while, likely based on lots of subliminal things. so you are listing why you may have these suspicions, trying to make sense of them. :confused: Please try to not be offended at those who regard your thoughts as silly. There’s nothing silly about feeling uncomfortable with another person and having difficulty sorting it all out, especially if that person is being disingenuous. :frowning: You have to start somewhere when trying to make sense of things. I will agree, though, that things like hygiene don’t indicate sexuality.

The whole thing has more to do with your feeling SAFE than anything.

It sounds like you have very good instincts, listen to them. This guy was aggressive in a very public and sexual. This would be extremely upsetting to anyone. :mad:

Your friend is in a very bad place. Perhaps he could be encouraged to talk with someone who can be of help. Is he Catholic? maybe he could talk with a priest. Maybe a counselor at school. :shrug:

Regardless, you need to very clear on what is unacceptable to you and how you expect to be treated, if you decide to be around this guy again. Maybe something like “That was way out of line, It sounds like you’re struggling with some things” and then suggest talking to a counselor. idk just a thought.

It is also understandable if you choose not to expose yourself further. You will have to decide what you are comfortable with.

It’s a tough situation,
May you find wisdom and peace,

Maggie


#8

Only if your friend tells you out and out that he's gay can you assume he is.

You know what they say about the danger of stereotypes--that they are so often false.


#9

[quote="bpbasilphx, post:8, topic:179264"]
Only if your friend tells you out and out that he's gay can you assume he is.

You know what they say about the danger of stereotypes--that they are so often false.

[/quote]

Great point. As a heterosexual who often gets accused of being homosexual, I should of thought of that.


#10

i know many people who take great care of their appearance and are neat as pins… most of them were in the military, are married, and have kids…

and gay doesnt equal assault!

i suspect something here, its… a gut instinct…
i think your friend is afraid he is gay because of his women issues…may be having a bi polar episode or similar mental health issue… doesnt know who or what to talk about, and may be messing about with drugs or the occult trying to “find his way” or self medicate. the “altered personality” can be a sign of serious issues.
the obsessive scripture reading combined with drinking? sounds like someone under assault by demons, even if they are demons of brain chemistry.

he also may think YOU are gay, and is looking for confirmation.(badly).

in any case… all i can suggest is to tell him point blanc that the way he acted is completely inappropriate. and tell him that you are concerned that his drinking, and possibly other problems are making him dangerous to himself and to others, and you want him to get help with whatever is bothering him so much.

in any case…do not ever let yourself be alone with him until this matter is cleared up
as i have had to tell too many girls
"rape is about power, not just sex"
assault is assault
until he gets his life straight, he is acting dangerously


#11

No male that i know of that is straight grapples in a sexual manner when intoxicated with another male. Anyone that does that to you male or female and you feel uncomfortable you should remove yourself from the situation. I would talk with him and let him know that if he wants to remain friends he can no longer do things of this nature (drunk or sober is not a excuse).


#12

one time, I was SURE that someone I know is gay, and it turned out he's not

so you never know

:shrug:

in any case, what he did does seem inappropriate, and maybe you should talk to him about this?


#13

well said ! :thumbsup:


#14

Thanks for the advice and empathy,. I only gave a few tidbits of what I've experienced and noticed about him, trust me, there is a great deal more that I can detail on it, and it's the combined patterns of it all that would raise anybodies suspicions. Just before I got out of the car, I started to explain to the driver and passengers there that I wanted to talk to them about him, they cut me off before continuing and affirmed what I suspected, which kind of broke into a silence of sorts, as in no words were needed here, we all just knew.

I lived in Seattle for years, and as you know, that too has a large population of homosexuals, so it's not like I am new to being exposed to those types, and seeing enough of them, how they live their lives, even had a friend that turned out to be gay even though he had girlfriends in the past as well, and in his case, there was no indication what so ever that he was.

Anyway, taking this up in prayer for now, setting those boundaries are mandatory as well, and he's not Catholic, he doesn't even have a church he cares to go to even though I've urged him to just pick one, any one at this stage, as long as it's a group of people that read the bible and try to follow Christ and his teachings, as long as it's a regular place to go to, but alas, it's not happening, and I suppose, if you are that way, you won't want to be held accountable to a group of people that are believers of the truth.


#15

Whether or not he's gay really shouldn't matter here. This is about your safety/comfort. Do what you need to do to protect yourself from future unwanted touching and don't worry about labeling the person who touched you.


#16

Maybe you are right that your friend is gay. Maybe you are mistaken. I tend to be of the opinion that you are probably right--not because of any one thing you've mentioned but because I imagine you know him well enough. Be that as it may, your friend has not chosen to clearly admit that he is gay so you just don't know. So unless your friend admits to being gay you will have to live with the uncertainty. If he's straight or not ready to come out then he's not going to say anything so you'll have to decide if that's a reason to distance yourself from him.

What you do know is that you didn't like your friend's behavior. And that is true whether he is gay or straight. Perhaps your friend was checking out how you'd respond before telling you he's gay. Perhaps there is some other reason. If you can't deal with the behavior then it doesn't really matter whether or not he's gay; it's time to back off on the friendship.


#17

I’d personally give him another chance. How many times have you flirted with a female friend to test the waters? When she indicates she’s not interested, you back off and things go back to normal after a little while. If he is gay, he might have been “flirting” a little to gauge your response. His apology indicates an awareness that his behavior was not appreciated or reciprocated. I’m guessing he’s embarrassed. If you feel safe enough, you could be charitable and not shun him or end the friendship (but avoid hanging out with him one-on-one until you feel comfortable again.)


#18

if grabbing a woman’s writs and holding her against her will while you grope her is your idea of “flirting” you need to re evaluate your life, and your behavior… fast.

what the fellow did was assault. period. it would be assault if he did it to a woman, and its assault if he did it to a guy.

while the OP MAY be able to be friends with him in the sense of praying for him and trying to help. until he gets counseling or help of some sort, the OP needs to consider his own safety.

if the OP was a woman, i HOPE you would not advise her to consider this “flirting” and stay around


#19

[quote="fabricdragon, post:18, topic:179264"]
if grabbing a woman's writs and holding her against her will while you grope her is your idea of "flirting" you need to re evaluate your life, and your behavior..... fast.

what the fellow did was assault. period. it would be assault if he did it to a woman, and its assault if he did it to a guy.

while the OP MAY be able to be friends with him in the sense of praying for him and trying to help. until he gets counseling or help of some sort, the OP needs to consider his own safety.

if the OP was a woman, i HOPE you would not advise her to consider this "flirting" and stay around

[/quote]

Notice that I put **"flirting" **in quotes. The OP indicated that he interpreted his friend's aggression as flirting, so I analyzed my response based on *his *assessment, not on yours or mine.

I also emphasized "if you feel safe enough." Sometimes our friends do inappropriate things that make us feel uncomfortable and unsafe. I don't mean to suggest that the OP put himself in the same unsafe situation. I recommend that he take precautions to ensure his own comfort in future interactions (hang out in groups, keep his distance) rather than shun the sinner (who is obviously embarrassed and repentant) and risk missing out on time with their mutual friends.

Depending on the circumstances, I would give the same advice to a female friend. In fact, had I not followed this advice in college, I would have missed out on one of my best most Christ-centered friendships and would probably not have converted to Catholicism.

(Side story for those interested: Catholic friend in college was friends with a guy who "flirted" with me almost exactly as described. If I refused to go anywhere that he was, I wouldn't have gotten to know the Catholic friend, and her persistent joy is what drew me to the Catholic church.)


#20

[quote="prodigalson12, post:1, topic:179264"]
I've suspected this for a while, the stereotypical signs are there, ie. too, too neat and tidy, very much into his personal appearance to extremes, turns down women left and right, even tells me that often he simply has no interest in women due to the harsh treatment he's faced with his past relationships, literally saying he does not know if he ever wants another woman. This list goes on and on, and the part that's really getting to me now, he's being overly physical, especially when he drinks, he also goes into these weird tangents while he's speaking and does so in with very effiment vocal tones, like a complete personality shift out of the blue.

Last night was the final straw, he was trying to pin me to the wall, holding my wrists and I felt rather violated and would not keep his hands off of me, so opted to leave the party immediately and go home.

I got a call from him apologizing for his behavior, he blamed it on the alcohol, but honestly, can you really blame it? Surely there are underlying factors involved here, us guys "at least if we are straight" simply do not behave this way no matter how much alcohol is involved., He's into reading scripture, say's outwardly that he's firmly against homosexuality, and even states that he has problems with homosexuals, but this behavior is just bizzar, and I have also heard people mention that sometimes people that are homophobic are secretly gay themselves.

Anyway, looking for some advice on how to deal with this situation, it's awkward to say the least, and I wouldn't have a problem with him as a friend if he was out of the closet, but at the same time, I would and do now have one with his invading my personal space, especially in the manner that happened last night.

[/quote]

Well as far as his hygiene and tidyness goes, he may just be a metrosexual....I dont know if women can be them, but I'd definitely be one if they could! I shave my whole body...HAVE to be clean at ALL times...like my clothes PERFECT...I'm insane when it comes to my home...I'm just...meticulous. And theres nothing wrong with that, cleanliness is godliness :)

As far as his personal relationship issues, he might just be havin' a hard time with girls and is put off by them. Nothing wrong with that either. My girlfriends, and myself included- go thru phases where, I wont talk to men, get numbers, try to date- I'm just STRAIGHT- cool- on my own, dont need the drama. If hes had some bad experiences he may just need the breather...but, the right woman comes along and he lets down his defenses...I'd be a friend, talk to him, give him good advice, dont let him carrry baggage...

As far as you guys drinking and rough housing- men I know sure as heck do that! Some groups of guys I know are VERY formal in their interactions with eachother, but then, some groups, like, get my uncles together and they'll be pinning each other down, fighting...get alcohol involved and chairs are gettin' broken...(:rolleyes: men....) If your relationship with your friend is not as informal- I'd just tell him' get off me fool...and dont play me like that...

Then again, he may just be gay. LOL. And if he is, what can you do? Be a friend...talk to him, give him good advice...sounds like this dudes just got a lot goin on upstairs and needs to work some stuff out...

I wouldnt go to him though, and ask him if he was gay. Cuz if he isnt that'd be a crazy little situation...thats something he needs to figure out and come to conclusions on his own...I think.


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