Hello, my name is Debora and I am new to this forum. I’ve never been a member in a forum, and I’ve never been much of a computer person. I guess you could say this is kind of a desperate measure for me, for I feel like I have no one I can talk to about this.
I got married 2 months ago to the love of my life, whom I’ve dated for 4 years. We are both 24 years old, and we are devout Catholics who waited till we were married to have sex.
I am extremely disappointed with how our sex life has been thus far. When we first got married and started having sex, I sensed that something wasn’t quite right… it felt too much like we were just going through passive motions rather than having passionate sex. I could sense that my husband wasn’t very passionately into it, and in turn that put me off and kept me from enjoying it at all.
Turns out my husband has a very low libido, and in the past week this has taken a turn for the worst. We talked about this a few days ago and he admitted to me that “he’s always felt like he didn’t have as strong of a sex drive as other men, and he always figured that it would change once he got married and started having sex… but it hasn’t.”
We’ve been using natural family planning and so we can really only have sex for about 2 weeks out of the month. It is extremely frustrating and hurtful that on the 2 short weeks each month we are able to make love, we only do so a few times, and none of those times are ever filled with any strong passion or desire.
I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea here. It’s not that he refuses to have sex with me. He doesn’t refuse to (well, sometimes he’ll say he’s too tired, but usually he agrees to it). The problem isn’t that he’s refusing sex, the problem is that I can sense his lack of desire and motivation that a young man who just started having sex should have, and that ruins it for me too.
I was very very hurt a few nights ago when we talked about this and he told me that he just doesn’t feel arousal as much as he thinks he should. Even though I had been sensing that to be the truth ever since our wedding 2 months ago, it’s hard to actually hear him admit to it, for it makes it official. I’ve felt very hurt, disappointed, frustrated, and upset over his lack of desire for me. I never once regretted having waited to get married before having sex, but the fact that I’ve saved myself for this just makes it all the more hurtful.
I don’t want any of you to get the wrong impression about my husband. He is a wonderful, wonderful man and husband and catholic. He’s felt really really upset over this too, because he feels like he can’t satisfy me, and that’s been killing him. We’ve researched “low libido in men” online and we haven’t gotten any answers that make sense. They suggested things like “he might be gay, he might be out of love with you, he might be cheating, he might have health issues, he might have mental health issues, he might be depressed/stressed”… my husband and I both agree that none of those things apply to him.
(I know this shouldn’t have anything to do with it either, but I am not an unattractive person. I am physically fit and take great care of my body and the way I present myself to the world. I am a beautiful girl, and my husband tells me that all the time.)
The past few nights have been very hard for me. Even though I know that this isn’t his fault, I still feel hurt very deeply by him, and I can’t help but to lash out at him because of it. Last night I didn’t even go to bed with him… I slept on the couch. I just don’t know what’s wrong or what to do to fix this. We cannot afford counseling right now. How should I handle this? .
As a woman, this has been truly devastating to me. It makes me feel rejected and unattractive. I want to wake up and for this to all have been just a bad dream.