I want out of my marriage


#1

Its been over a year since I have posted here. Almost two years actually. Its funny how when everything goes to hell you turn back to God. So much has changed. I have a beautiful daughter who will be 3 next month. I am a medic, which is my dream job. I love my work so much. The biggest change of all is that my marriage has completely fallen apart and I want out.

What im struggling with is that over all my husband is a good man. He works, he doesnt cheat on me, he has never hurt me in anyway. He just doesnt see me at all. Im so tired of being lonely all the time. Im lonely when hes here, more so than when hes not. The only place I feel whole is at work. We will have been married six years this December. Which is not very long. But we are two very different people now than we were when we got married. He hates my job, he doesnt even seem to like me very much anymore. I just cant get over the rejection I feel from him.

Things got so bad that I even stepped out of my marriage for the emotional support and the things I felt I was missing in my marriage. It was never physical, and he forgave me. But even still I dont want to be here. I dont want to be with anyone, I just want to be on my own with my daughter. What can I do? I owe my daughter more than this. I owe her her father. But how can I go on the rest of my life being alone and being invisible?


#2

I think you need to talk this over with your priest. This is a serious situation and I really don't think specific advice from anyone here on the boards is a good idea. Best to start with a priest, and if he's got a background in psychology or counseling, so much the better.

Sorry, but I certainly don't want to be giving advice in such a sticky situation. Marriage is for life and not something you can just leave because you want to. I know there is more to your situation than you're saying but that's why I suggest you see a good and trusted priest for help and support during this rough time.

Believe me, I left my husband before I converted back to the church and if I knew then what I know now, I surely would have stayed. But I have no children, so that makes it a little easier for me. You have a daughter, and she does need her father. Please pray ceaselessly for help from God and see a priest. If he can't help you he can most certainly point you in the right direction.

You are in my prayers.

God Bless,
Snerticus


#3

Dear TarAshley-please make an appointment to talk with your priest-your daughter, as tough as things are now in your marriage needs her daddy. You also need the support from positive sources to hopefully guide you (and hopefully your husband) in the right direction. Does he know how you feel? Is he able to express on your level what you need? Maybe going to a marriage enrichment seminar or retreat will help you both reconnect. Maybe your husband feels strongly for you but unable to express it-I know for I have adhd and slight autistic tendencies which got in the way of me totally opening up. You can feel deeply yet through no fault of your own find it difficult to express your feelings the way you want to. I hate to see you and your husband go your separate ways-if he is willing to go to counseling with you, with a good counselor-you both may find ways to bring magic back into your marriage. I am currently a divorced, single mother of three-two living with me, my son who has aspergers living with my ex-husband-the children suffer more than we realize. My ex won't even have anything to do with his daughters-it sure breaks my heart. I don't wish my life on anyone else-please, from experience-if your husband is willing-don't throw away your marriage-first seek counseling and other means to bring that magic back into your marriage. The grass is not always greener on the other side-believe me. As aggravating as your husband is-if he is there for you-maybe helping out with your daughter or house or cooking-that says alot. As for him resenting your job-maybe he doesn't understand what goes on with your job fully-maybe it's the long hours-again not grasping what is involved-maybe a marriage therapist will help shed light to where he won't resent your job. You must definitely live your dreams-I will keep you both and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers-I hope you can work out your marital issues-if possible-divorce stinks. Lots of heartache and pain-trust me. I have no family either for support-just my church, neighbors, and air force community (I'm in the reserves). Please keep us posted on your situation-I will be pulling for you-laura
:console::gopray2::takeoff::harp::blessyou:


#4

Thank you all so much. My heart is truly heavy with this. The problem with going to a priest is that we havent been involved in our church in a long time. We did Retrouville before and it helped, but I dont think he would do that again. I have considered counseling, but im not sure how to broach the subject with him. He thinks nothings wrong. He thinks an Im Sorry fixes everything and truthfully it just infuriates me more. Im so lost right now and feel completely alone. The only place I feel worth anything is in the back of an ambulance. Its like I find my footing there and as soon as my shift ends im lost again.


#5

I'm so sorry to hear of your difficulties. I agree to search out every resource out there. You have a responsibility to your daughter to do everything in your power to make your marriage work. Wow, its been 6 years already? I remember you being on here while you were planning your wedding. We had some great difficulties around the 7 year mark. Marriage takes a lot of hard work. If your husband doesn't realize anything is wrong -then there is hope. If he knew and didn't care you'd be in a much more difficult place.


#6

Hi TarAshley-how about your family parish priest-even though it’s been awhile-I am sure that he would be more than happy to take time to listen and help you-my base chaplain did just that with my teenage daughter who refuse to go to mass with me-she came back from her aunt’s house being falsely accused of something she hadn’t done-was torn and yet the base chaplain (he’s a civilian priest at the air base who knew me for over five years) took time to listen to my daughter, who reluctantly went. He got down on her level and in the end, she was smiling-she was glad she went. Your other option might be the catholic charities catholic diocese headquarters for your local area. Believe me, if there is even a slight hope of saving your marriage and you and your husband working through your issues together, it is well worth it. I have known couples who did divorce and a few yrs later, remarried and stuck it out as husband and wife-they regretted divorcing-felt crushed about the whole thing. It is like going through death and experiencing heartache-although my ex left me and I didn’t like him-his verbal abuse and everything, I still grieved deeply. Seven years later, I am still unable to date or anything-I am not able to trust as a result. My kids wish that I would marry again-I can’t. No desire, either. Scars are there permanently, it seems. Working through a difficult marriage to where both partners recapture the feelings of love, respect, common goals, etc-it is worth it. Kids really don’t want their parents divorced, either-even my little one with whom I was pregnant with when her father left me grieves-she is 8 today-even unborn children are affected, strange yet true. I recently am finding this out. I am speaking from experience-my other suggestion, TarAshley is to write a pros and cons of being married, then the same with divorcing which may help you see clearer of what you feel you may need to do with your next move. Remember, the church unless in cases of danger to your life, infidelity, and abandonment is against divorce. Just ask yourself what Jesus would want you to do in this situation, or talk this over with a priest or therapist (my chaplain was both to me-he has clinical therapy background)-and see what can be done to turn something around into a positive thing for you and your daughter (and husband, too)-if he really does love you-boy are you fortunate in that sense-there may still be hope for you to recapture the joy and happiness you so desperately deserve. Really thing this through before making your decision-and remember to also consult with a lawyer, hopefully a good christian lawyer to also get a bigger picture of what is involved with divorce/custody/property issues-not a pretty picture in many cases, believe me. May God give you the wisdom and courage to help you through this-laura
:coffeeread::hug3::highprayer::harp:


#7

TarAshely,

Your situation is very seriouse and I certainly pray for you. Now for openers, I think it's fair to say based on what you describe you can't actually "get out" of the marriage. You can divorce legally and seperate, but you would not then be free to persue a new marriage with anyone else.

In light of this, I would suggest counsoling, by with a Priest as others have suggested. More over, I would ask the priest for any resource he may have to obtain a good, Christian (Catholic?) marriage counsoler as well.

Your situation is certainly a very hard one, one that none of us ever want to find us in. You say you've turned back to God, well then I ask you to turn completely to the cross in also trusting that God wants the best for you. Perhaps the problems your having a wake up call of some sort, that there's a time to change certain habbits of yours, or some how adjust your lives for the betterment of your marriage and especially your daughter.

Know that you are firmly in your prayers. God bless,


#8

One of the most difficult lessons in marriage is how to place your trust in God instead of your spouse. It takes a lot of living to learn how to avoid the trap of depending on your spouse, others or children for "happiness" - happiness is an inside job - you need to become secure in your own skin and learn to listen in the silence for the God that is always calling and loving you into the present moment. Do not expect your child or your husband to fix this - take on the task of learning how to place your trust fully in God (Prov 3:5) for it is only there that you will learn how to be in the world with joy regardless of circumstances. You can't change them, you can only change yourself:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. Pray only for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out. Blessings.


#9

TarAshly,

Don't worry about not being active in the Church. The priest will still help you. You are still part of the flock, after all. :) Or if you prefer not to go to the local parish, call up the diocesan offices (a quick search on Google should get you to the website) and tell them your concerns and ask who you should speak with.

On another note, I think you should get your hands on the Catechism of the Catholic Church (or CCC) and read up on the topics in there that may pertain to you. You can go online to read it as well. I think I read somewhere that Catholic Answers has a copy, but if not, you can also find it HERE. This would be good, as you may even get some answers in there as well.

God Bless,
Snert


#10

[quote="TarAshly, post:1, topic:213222"]
...
What im struggling with is that over all my husband is a good man. He works, he doesnt cheat on me, he has never hurt me in anyway. He just doesnt see me at all. Im so tired of being lonely all the time. Im lonely when hes here, more so than when hes not. The only place I feel whole is at work. We will have been married six years this December. Which is not very long. But we are two very different people now than we were when we got married. He hates my job, he doesnt even seem to like me very much anymore. I just cant get over the rejection I feel from him.
...

[/quote]

There seem to be quite a few people here who have expressed very serious marital issues. Many would be happy to just get to the level you are at. I am not saying that you are not feeling hurt, but leaving him wouldn't appear to accomplish anything good.

Sure you are different than when you married. That is pretty much true for everyone. There has to be compromise, determination and even sacrifice to make it work. Your daughter is depending on both of you. Your priest can help.


#11

[quote="TarAshly, post:4, topic:213222"]
Thank you all so much. My heart is truly heavy with this. The problem with going to a priest is that we havent been involved in our church in a long time. We did Retrouville before and it helped, but I dont think he would do that again. I have considered counseling, but im not sure how to broach the subject with him. He thinks nothings wrong. He thinks an Im Sorry fixes everything and truthfully it just infuriates me more. Im so lost right now and feel completely alone. The only place I feel worth anything is in the back of an ambulance. Its like I find my footing there and as soon as my shift ends im lost again.

[/quote]

Ending your marriage will not solve your problem. Leaving your husband will not solve your problem. It doesn't matter what you do or where you go, your problem will always be there, because you are the problem.

Get counseling for yourself, before you destroy your daughter.


#12

[quote="lutherlic, post:10, topic:213222"]
There seem to be quite a few people here who have expressed very serious marital issues. Many would be happy to just get to the level you are at. I am not saying that you are not feeling hurt, but leaving him wouldn't appear to accomplish anything good.

Sure you are different than when you married. That is pretty much true for everyone. There has to be compromise, determination and even sacrifice to make it work. Your daughter is depending on both of you. Your priest can help.

[/quote]

EXACTLY.

What you might want to consider is some individual counseling to examine why it is that you feel that your husband doesn't see you. You might just be surprised the degree to which this originates with a gaping hole somewhere within you.

If you think you are lonely now, trust me, being a single mom is a whole 'nother thing all together. If you think you have problems now, a divorce will only multiply your problems. It would certainly be a case of the cure being worse than the disease.


#13

You also work a very stressful job - whether you realize it or not - I used to do it in the Army - and sometimes that stress is very much like a high. Most departments have a chaplaincy service or a referral program when employees start reaching a burn out point -but trust me if you don't get some help - you will crash. When the work feelings outweigh the happiness given by your sacramental marriage you do need to look at that and someone trained by your department coupled with pastoral counseling from your priest may do the trick.


#14

Being divorced and a single parent is in my opinion far worse than being in a marriage that can be worked out (hopefully). Believe me, it is no picnic being a single parent-and the children-how they suffer from divorce-even my unborn daughter at that time-she hurts for she wishes that her daddy and I was still married like her school friends. Think about your three-yr-old-and my mom used to say that marriage is a job-you must work at it to make it work-it isn’t always 50-50 either. I am again speaking from experience-been there, done that-please think about your little girl-she needs both you and your husband to be there together for her-do it for her-please seek help-and perhaps the priest may even pay a home visit to also talk to your husband as well if he will not go for counseling-don’t wish my life on anyone, not even my worse enemy-I miss being married-the bad and the good, believe me, you are definitely in my prayers-laura
:signofcross::highprayer::harp::hug3::shamrock2:


#15

[quote="JM3, post:11, topic:213222"]
Ending your marriage will not solve your problem. Leaving your husband will not solve your problem. It doesn't matter what you do or where you go, your problem will always be there, because you are the problem.

Get counseling for yourself, before you destroy your daughter.

[/quote]

The truth hurts at times, especially, when it is directed at us. There is always two sides to a story, and usually, somewhere in the middle is the truth. We all tend to tell a story, which puts us in a favorable light, but I bet your husband has a different version of the same story. A spouse is not responsible for the happiness of the other. We tend to look at our spouse as the cause of our unhappiness, when we should be looking within ourselves, take the focus off of ourselves, and put the focus on our marriage. We cannot control anyone's actions, but our own. And we will be surprised of the changes that can occur within a marriage, when we start working on our own problems first.


#16

[quote="TarAshly, post:1, topic:213222"]
I just cant get over the rejection I feel from him.

[/quote]

I feel for you. My marriage is the same, but has lasted 22 years. I've been very lonely much of the time. Early in our marriage I knew we had a problem. I had the sense to ask a rather famous Catholic what his wife felt about him being gone so much. He said she had her own work & art. That rather discouraged me, but over the years I have found my own work that gets me recognition from others. I feel needed there, but not at home, where he is present physically but not emotionally.

Even though I miss the emotional part of a good relationship, it's worked out fairly well. But both children have rejected the Church, so I don't know if we gave them a good example. :(

It's hard not to look for emotional support from others, but don't do it! It's a dangerous temptation. But I will admit I rather look forward to my husband's death. I know that I will then be free to at least think about other men.


#17

I agree that you should seek individual counseling.

It sounds like you both need to remember why it is you got married.

Now to something you seemed to have glossed over...

Going outside of your marriage. That is a tremendous issue, one not to be taken lightly. You need to place more boundries on yourself to avoid this happening again.

Don't think your husband has just 'forgiven' this and gotten over it. You rejected him for another man. No one just gets over that. Be prepared for that to arise again if you both seek to heal your marriage.

Best of luck to you both.


#18

A few things come to mind...
1. Marriage goes in waves. Sometimes you have several years of a rough wave before the tide turns a bit.

  1. Some marriages are happier than others. That is a simple fact. It does not mean a 'boring' marriage is bad

  2. Don't throw in the towel without some work first and foremost...individual therapy first.

  3. Set some family times...for you and your husband and daughter to do little things together (out ofr ice cream, a bike ride, taking her to the park).

  4. Remember that as much as you love your job, there is no greater love than that of your relationship to God. That is the ONLY thing you can be sure of forever. Sometimes joy in work, a hobby or even parenting can make us lessen the importance of our faith. Keep faith first.

Good luck--
Taben


#19

TarAshley, I know you want to do the right thing. I have found in low spots that it does not hurt to remember that we are obligated to do the right thing (underline mine):

**Canon 1056 The essential properties of marriage are unity and indissolubility; in christian marriage they acquire a distinctive firmness by reason of the sacrament.

Canon 1057.2 Matrimonial consent is an act of will by which a man and a woman by an irrevocable covenant mutually give and accept one another for the purpose of establishing a marriage.

Canon 1060 Marriage enjoys the favour of law. Consequently, in doubt the validity of a marriage must be upheld until the contrary is proven.

Canon 1065.2 So that the sacrament of marriage may be fruitfully received, spouses are earnestly recommended that they approach the sacraments of penance and the blessed Eucharist.

Canon 1141 A marriage which is ratified and consummated cannot be dissolved by any human power or by any cause other than death.

Canon 1151 Spouses have the obligation and the right to maintain their common conjugal life, unless a lawful reason excuses them.**

Obviously, that is just a selection from canon law. I put in Canon 1065 because I've found that a habit of regular confession--my confessor recommends every 3-4 weeks, in general, assuming the person is not aware of having committed a mortal sin--is a great help in formation of conscience and access to the graces needed for marriage. Likewise, the Eucharist is the source and the summit of the Christian life. To sustain a Catholic marriage without the Eucharist is like sustaining life without food, water, or air. It is like trying to colonize Mars. Who would choose that, when they can live in the beautiful arms of the Earth?

TarAshley, you have promised before God to put the endurance and fruitfulness of your marriage before all else....even before a job you love. I am married to someone in emergency medicine. My husband's job asks for a lot of sacrifices from me, from our kids. I can only do it because I look at what he does as what we do. Otherwise, I cannot imagine how I would resent his work. I know many people in emergency medicine who wound up divorced. What our family has never happens by accident. It is a labor of love, and the compromises go both ways, but it is a labor that we are obligated by our marriage vows to do. Even if your current marriage were to have been invalid: If you do not learn how to include your husband in the life you have at work in a way that ultimately puts your marriage first, that makes your work the fruit of your marriage and not a competitor with it, you will not find a marriage that is going to last, not even with someone else in emergency medicine.

Your job won't be there for you in your old age. It won't hold your hand on your death bed. It won't give you children or grandchildren. I know it is hard to see, because you are having a hard time with your husband and your job is giving you consolations, but: Your husband is more important than your job. Furthermore, he is never going to be the support for your job that you need until you get that priority straight yourself. You aren't hearing this from someone with a theory. I've been married to someone in emergency medicine for over 20 years. We are the exception, and we are the exception because of acts of will we both make in favor of our marriage.

Obligation and intention do not supply ability. You need help. I very much suspect that a priest who heard your story might suggest that you see a counsellor immediately. I know people who work in emergency medicine and who train paramedics. It is not sustainable for a person working in emergency medicine to feel "The only place I feel whole is at work." You absolutely must have somewhere outside of work to re-charge. You have to have healthy relationships to keep going.

Do not get me wrong; it is understandable to find work in emergency medicine very fulfilling. You literally save lives and preserve quality of life every day. Nevertheless, you also know it is a job in which you see people in great difficulty on a regular basis, many of which are difficulties that no medic, no ED, no surgeon, and no ICU can fix. Too many have problems that put them on a treadmill with only you between them a speedier conclusion to their slow march towards self-destruction. You know the side of the general public that you see. Most people you transport are not ready to deliver a baby. They and their families are under a lot of stress, and not the good kind. You often get the brunt of it. This takes its toll. As I pointed out, the divorce rate in emergency medicine is high. This is no big surprise, as both police work and medicine in general have high divorce rates.

When you go looking for a counsellor, ask for a recommendation from your supervisor or chaplain. It is very important that you find someone who has experience in helping with the particular issues faced by medics. This is not something that will lower you the eyes of those who supervise you. It is a very big topic in the field right now. Seeking help will mark you as someone wise enough to keep herself and her career healthy on a long-term basis. Don't delay. Get help now.


#20

[quote="Bonnie, post:16, topic:213222"]
I feel for you. My marriage is the same, but has lasted 22 years. I've been very lonely much of the time. Early in our marriage I knew we had a problem. I had the sense to ask a rather famous Catholic what his wife felt about him being gone so much. He said she had her own work & art. That rather discouraged me, but over the years I have found my own work that gets me recognition from others. I feel needed there, but not at home, where he is present physically but not emotionally.

Even though I miss the emotional part of a good relationship, it's worked out fairly well. But both children have rejected the Church, so I don't know if we gave them a good example. :(

It's hard not to look for emotional support from others, but don't do it! It's a dangerous temptation. But I will admit I rather look forward to my husband's death. I know that I will then be free to at least think about other men.

[/quote]

I agree---me in very similar situation. But yet, I wonder, is the pain of separation/divorce worse than hoping that the spouse dies soon?

And, which is worse for the kids: 2 parents living together as singles anyway- "separated," or physically separating? I lived the former, and it is like just spreading out a divorce...where as the child you just want to say "Look, the emporer has no clothes. Someone DO something and speak/do the truth."

As I said, I am living this with 3 kids, and it is torture.


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