I want to come back really, but there's nothing there


#1

Sorry I didnt know where to put this.

So I was a craddle catholic (I’m just 18 btw) and since I was about 16 mum couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed to go to church. I wanted to really but I didn’t want to be a ‘geek’ in my house to didn’t try and get her there. Then I think about Julyish I was pretty darn down and decided it was the church that I was missing (which I had thought for ages but hadn’t really looked into it).

So I started exploring the internet, and learnt more about catholicism than I had in 13ish years in catholic schools. I decided yup this is what I need to do etc, went to confession (1st time done properly ever) and convinced myself I believed it all etc…and I only had a few things i didn’t ‘understand’ but thought I could grow in faith and slowly understand them.

However after my ‘rough patch’ had gone etc after a while I just could not be bothered to drag my mum and sister out of bed every sunday, have my family say this that and the other taking the michael out of me because I was forcing them to go to church and kinda gave up on trying to find reasons for what I didn’t believe but the church did.

So ye, after quite a while (probably 5 weeks-ish, not sure) I kinda decided that I have no evidence that anything existed, at all.

I went from full on trying to find out and understand everything about Catholicism to not even believing God existed.

It’s been a few weeks since deciding that I fooled myself into thinking I believed in things when really I didn’t. i did research, had facts bout this and that. stuck up for Catholicism in discussions when I didn’t really feel it in my heart.

Does anyone really get what I mean?

When I was doing all these things I couldn’t really pray. That sounds silly but when you say to yourself yup I beliieve in this and that, I couldn’t understand why I could really pray, but I realise it’s because it wasn’t all there so because i didn’t really believe i couldn’t sit and pray.

I did try, read the bible, catechist, downloaded many podcasts that had great comfort, but i didn’t really believe it. It was just comfort through the hard times.

Sorry if this does just sound really selfish, I want to believe, but in my heart I feel nothing.

Sorry for the essay btw :frowning:


#2

I get the picture. I understand what you’re going through. I’m a parent and a Franciscan.

Let me give it to you in an nutshell. If you have questions, just ask or PM me. It’s pretty normal at your age to search for truth. It’s also pretty normal to be pulled in one direction by what you know and in another by what you feel or in your case, do not feel.

The good thing about Catholic spirituality is that it is built on both, the heart and the head. Some people approach the faith through the heart. They feel it. They are moved by it. Our holy father Francis of Assisi felt the faith and was moved by it. As he grew older he began to intellectualize it. I mean that he began to understand it. At first he acted on his gut.

St. Thomas Aquinas went from the head to the heart. He understood the faith. He accepted what he understood, even though he didn’t feel a thing. As years went by he began to feel.

You’re an Aquinas who needs to become a Francis. I would say, go with what you know. Don’t worry about what you feel. If you believe or or don’t believe, your mind knows what is right and what is logical. Go with logic for now.

Begin to read from saints who feel, so that you can get there slowly with God’s help. That’s what Aquinas did.

Check out some writings on this site. Begin reading section 1.

198.62.75.1/www1/ofm/fra/FRAmain.html

Hope this helps.

Fraternally,

JR :slight_smile:


#3

Don’t lose heart - I was 42 before I came to faith, its wonderful that you are earnestly seeking. I believe that the Holy Spirit is pulling at your heart - and thus the impetus out of “nowhere” to start investingating your faith further. I would suggest speaking with your priest, but also just spending some private time praying and speaking with God - open your heart and ask Him to come into your life. I believe that the more we earnestly ask for God and respond to His calling, the more he floods us with the power of the Holy Spirit.

Spend some time before the Holy Sacrament (in Church before the tabernacle where the Eucharist is kept) and use that as private prayer time. Also, consider praying the rosary - I have found that the rosary helps to focus my thinking and develop a relationship with Mary who is the mother to all believers in Christ.

I will be praying for you - you are part of a large family (all believers make up the body of Christ).

Blessings,

Brian


#4

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.