Sorry I didnt know where to put this.
So I was a craddle catholic (I’m just 18 btw) and since I was about 16 mum couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed to go to church. I wanted to really but I didn’t want to be a ‘geek’ in my house to didn’t try and get her there. Then I think about Julyish I was pretty darn down and decided it was the church that I was missing (which I had thought for ages but hadn’t really looked into it).
So I started exploring the internet, and learnt more about catholicism than I had in 13ish years in catholic schools. I decided yup this is what I need to do etc, went to confession (1st time done properly ever) and convinced myself I believed it all etc…and I only had a few things i didn’t ‘understand’ but thought I could grow in faith and slowly understand them.
However after my ‘rough patch’ had gone etc after a while I just could not be bothered to drag my mum and sister out of bed every sunday, have my family say this that and the other taking the michael out of me because I was forcing them to go to church and kinda gave up on trying to find reasons for what I didn’t believe but the church did.
So ye, after quite a while (probably 5 weeks-ish, not sure) I kinda decided that I have no evidence that anything existed, at all.
I went from full on trying to find out and understand everything about Catholicism to not even believing God existed.
It’s been a few weeks since deciding that I fooled myself into thinking I believed in things when really I didn’t. i did research, had facts bout this and that. stuck up for Catholicism in discussions when I didn’t really feel it in my heart.
Does anyone really get what I mean?
When I was doing all these things I couldn’t really pray. That sounds silly but when you say to yourself yup I beliieve in this and that, I couldn’t understand why I could really pray, but I realise it’s because it wasn’t all there so because i didn’t really believe i couldn’t sit and pray.
I did try, read the bible, catechist, downloaded many podcasts that had great comfort, but i didn’t really believe it. It was just comfort through the hard times.
Sorry if this does just sound really selfish, I want to believe, but in my heart I feel nothing.
Sorry for the essay btw