I left the Catholic Church because of the sexual abuse. I left because they Vatican seemingly did not care. I felt I’d been betrayed and abandoned and worst…displaced from my spirituality.
Please understand, I haven’t been to Mass in years. But that doesn’t mean I lost my love of God and my connection to the Trinity. Recently I have been waking up at night reciting the Catholic prayers I was taught as a child and I weep these odd oily tears I don’t understand. I find myself praying the rosary on my fingertips when my rosary is not near by. I hear the call of the traditions I once celebrated without question.
I miss my faith. I miss the sacraments. I miss feeling like I get to shake God’s hand after mass every Sunday. I’m tired of praying alone. I am suffering silently in my own sinfulness and am so deeply ashamed of myself and in such a state of despair without the comfort that comes from the spirit of reconciliation. I am starved for the communion of my savior and I desperately miss the warmth of a stranger’s hand as I sing my Father’s prayer.
I pray now, here, before this community like I have never prayed before. Father God bring me your Holy and divine guidance as I ask this community to assist me in your stay. I ask for prayer and an answer…How do I relinquish the trauma of the past? How do I explain to my 3 grown children this change in my heart after so many years harboring and only teaching them my own distrust anger of the church?
Father God, send me a sign. A voice of reason. An answer to the riddle of how to overcome the past. See these tears falling. Hear my sorrow as I weep, and weep and weep. Blessed Mother and all the angels and Saints, intercede on my behalf. Please help me understand…How do I come home?