I want to come home...please hear this prayer

I left the Catholic Church because of the sexual abuse. I left because they Vatican seemingly did not care. I felt I’d been betrayed and abandoned and worst…displaced from my spirituality.

Please understand, I haven’t been to Mass in years. But that doesn’t mean I lost my love of God and my connection to the Trinity. Recently I have been waking up at night reciting the Catholic prayers I was taught as a child and I weep these odd oily tears I don’t understand. I find myself praying the rosary on my fingertips when my rosary is not near by. I hear the call of the traditions I once celebrated without question.

I miss my faith. I miss the sacraments. I miss feeling like I get to shake God’s hand after mass every Sunday. I’m tired of praying alone. I am suffering silently in my own sinfulness and am so deeply ashamed of myself and in such a state of despair without the comfort that comes from the spirit of reconciliation. I am starved for the communion of my savior and I desperately miss the warmth of a stranger’s hand as I sing my Father’s prayer.

I pray now, here, before this community like I have never prayed before. Father God bring me your Holy and divine guidance as I ask this community to assist me in your stay. I ask for prayer and an answer…How do I relinquish the trauma of the past? How do I explain to my 3 grown children this change in my heart after so many years harboring and only teaching them my own distrust anger of the church?

Father God, send me a sign. A voice of reason. An answer to the riddle of how to overcome the past. See these tears falling. Hear my sorrow as I weep, and weep and weep. Blessed Mother and all the angels and Saints, intercede on my behalf. Please help me understand…How do I come home?

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I’ll pray for you.
Don’t let a handful of evil sinful people keep you from your “home”.
Most Catholics do not support abuse or covering it up, and we care about you.
The Church isn’t a bunch of guys in a Vatican,
It is all of us, living and breathing.
Including you.

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Very simply, go to confession.

I think these questions have the same answer. The behavior of the members of the Church does not make her teachings false. What happened was horrible, but it does not change what the Church teaches. There are processes in place to try to ensure that such a thing never happens again.

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I will definitely pray for you — am positive your sincere heart will not be left unheard by God Who is Mercy and by the Blessed Mother who loves all her children.

Heaven is already preparing for joy of your return.

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In order to return, I feel I have to explain myself to my children. I want them to come with me and be baptized. I have to tell them the truth. My God, forgive me. I dont know if I can? Or if I even have to. I’m terrified to speak of it. To them or anyone. I’ve tried…but I just choke and remain frozen in the fear. The pain of remembering. The release of so many years of silence. If I go to Mass I will collapse under the weight of it and make such a spectacle of myself. I want to believe my love of God is stronger than this. But I am only a woman, with a secret and I feel like everyone will know. From this sorrow alone. They will SEE what happened to me. I know how cowardly I must sound…I can barely stand it.

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Do you have supportive friends you can go with?

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No but I’m trying to find one. Also, I’m thinking a therapist might be a good idea.

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Get to confession, tell all of this to the priest and BE AT PEACE. KNOW God loves you and wants you back fully with Him in His Catholic Church. The Church isn’t perfect because it’s made up of imperfect people. Don’t let what some do in the Church separate you from it. Praying for you and hoping you can get back fully into the Catholic Church and find peace.

You will see that once you make a good heart felt sorrowful confession everything will fall into place for you and you in turn will be able to share the joy with your family.

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This helps. It really does. Thank you.

I agree with the confession. Perhaps make a one-on-one appointment with a priest instead of an anonymous confession box. That way you can explain the situation and let all your emotions, pain, and hurt out. Or you can meet with a priest first to acquaint yourself without feeling the pressure that you have to confess at that particular moment.

May God lead you to peace…God doesn’t have “emotions” but the Heart of Jesus shares our humanity — He must be most gladdened by your initiative.

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TonyaLynn, you are home all you have to do is open the door.From what I read your heart is full of much love for Jesus, and our,. Mother Mary You miss the sacraments and you are suffering… Please do not let what happened to you tear you apart You carry a heavy burden and it is time for you to let it go. Lay it at the feet of Jesus and He will give you peace and rest. Talk to your children, don’t be afraid, explain what happened, they may surprise you. If need take “baby steps” back to the church, go to Mass or go in after when no one is there talk one on one to God. Please, you are being to hard on yourself,…we are here for,you we will pray for you, let this that was perpetrated on you be lifted from your heart. Will start a special novena for you, please let us no your ok.:heart::butterfly::butterfly::butterfly:

God is just waiting for you with open arms but you have to take the first step. His Divine Mercy FAR surpasses any sin we could have on our souls. Heaven REJOICES when someone comes home to the Church, to God. You will NOT regret this beautiful reunion with Him.

Oh, my dear, I can feel the pain and longing in your words. I am certainly praying with you! I’ve also felt abused by the Church, “spiritually abused” by a terrible spiritual director a couple years ago, and I spent a year in a place of trauma, trying to recover. There was a time when I didn’t want to even look at a Church or gaze on the tabernacle because it felt as if God had betrayed me. But, overtime, over many months, I learned that it was not Christ who hurt me, it was that person or those persons who directed me so selfishly. There is a certain understanding to attain, that Christ loves you perfectly and it is us, His people, who do not love perfectly and whose actions create these terrible wounds.

Your desires are beautiful and moving. I consecrate you to the Blessed Virgin and entrust you entirely into Her care. She, who loved God perfectly on Earth and continues to do so in Heaven, will not fail you. May She lead you gently to Her Son. :slight_smile:

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Making this first step, here with all of you is absolutely and unequivocally the best thing I have done for myself in a long long time.

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These tears are freaking me out. I’m glad I am crying and not even going to attempt to stop what is releasing within me…but my tears are like thick…like oil. I don’t understand them but I think they are some how spiritual tears…like my soul is crying too.

Forgive! Even if you don’t “feel” like it. Make the act of the will to forgive, and trust God to provide the feelings in his time. Run to reconciliation and be at peace.

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Hi TonyaLynn Just because few are are unfaithful ,you don’'t leave Jesus and his Church ,who founded the Catholic Church. Mathew 16:16 -19 .(We should not speak ill of priest or the Catholic Church its a sin against the Holy Spirit) Psalm 105:15 saying, “Touch not my anointed ones, do my prophets no harm!” 2 Corinthians 7:9-11 As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting; for you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. 10 For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation and brings no regret, but worldly grief produces death. 11 For see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what zeal, what punishment! At every point you have proved yourselves guiltless in the matter.

Mother Mary is Praying for You****Baruch 4:21-29 “Take courage, my children, cry to God,
and he will deliver you from the power and hand of the enemy.
22 For I have put my hope in the Everlasting to save you,
and joy has come to me from the Holy One,
because of the mercy which soon will come to you
from your everlasting Savior.[a]
23 For I sent you out with sorrow and weeping,
but God will give you back to me with joy and gladness for ever.
24 For as the neighbors of Zion have now seen your capture,
so they soon will see your salvation by God,
which will come to you with great glory
and with the splendor of the Everlasting.
25 My children, endure with patience the wrath that has come upon you from God.
Your enemy has overtaken you,
but you will soon see their destruction
and will tread upon their necks.
26 My tender sons have traveled rough roads;
they were taken away like a flock carried off by the enemy.
27 “Take courage, my children, and cry to God,
for you will be remembered by him who brought this upon you.
28 For just as you purposed to go astray from God,
return with tenfold zeal to seek him.
29 For he who brought these calamities upon you
will bring you everlasting joy with your salvation.”

Jeremiah 2:I remember the devotion of your youth,
your love as a bride,
how you followed me in the wilderness,
in a land not sown.

2 Corinthians 2:10 Any one whom you forgive, I also forgive. What I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake in the presence of Christ, 11 to keep Satan from gaining the advantage over us; for we are not ignorant of his designs.
1 peter 5:6-8 Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that in due time he may exalt you. 7 Cast all your anxieties on him, for he cares about you. 8 Be sober, be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking some one to devour. 9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experience of suffering is required of your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, establish, and strengthen you. 11 To him be the dominion for ever and ever. Amen.

Know what Jesus says. To listen to them, but to not practice what they practice. For they do not practice what they preach. Yet due to their authority, to give them due credence.

Know also that the scandal is also greatly exaggerated. Teachers are more likely to commit the crime than priests, in fact priests are one of the least likely to do such a thing. And it wasn’t just in the Catholic Church, pastors had also done such.
But even one priest doing such is too many. Pray to Jesus. Perhaps try to go to a daily mass this week, go to mass daily until Sunday. Go to confession tomorrow. As soon as you can. Really be open with the priest about it. Give a good confession. Then know you can be at peace. Jesus breathed on the apostles and granted them the ability to forgive sins. Then you can be in communion. Daily masses are much smaller than Sunday masses and might be easier for you for your first time back, as they are also usually not high masses or such. God bless and know Jesus loves you, along with the whole of the Adorable Trinity.

First, don’t allow human beings’ errors to keep you away from God. They will happen; many of us suffer within the Church from fallible humans. Keep your eye on Jesus, the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Never allow anyone to remove from you the great privilege of receiving God Himself in the sacraments! He is here to save YOU.
Second, you don’t have to do all at once. There really isn’t a reason as I can see why you have to tell your children, or anyone, everything. You may wish to down the road, when you are ready, but who is compelling you to do it now? Rather, make a quiet appointment with a priest and have a good Confession and talk. Then go to a daily Mass first if you feel you can’t handle a big Sunday Mass first. Pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Start quietly at your own pace. Do this for a couple days and ask God for the light to know what to do next. You will then be in a much better place to know.

Tonya, you have a beautiful story and it touches my heart as I read your responses. Seems like God can always bring great good, and I mean great, not just a regular good, out of evil. I know this sounds coy, but look upon your own lives and see what good ended up from the suffering you went through.

Quick example, I was orphaned, abandoned by my birth father, wandered the streets at 5 years old, ended up in an orphanage for another year and then, blam-oh! I get adopted into a loving and accepting mexican-american family, and catholic too as a bonus! No need to “cross the tiber”.

If I may, I would also share that I was a part of the sex abuse scandal as well. Though very limited, I was at the precipice of abuse. As a child, a very favored priest befriended me. As I see the actions now, he was “bringing me in”. At a critical time in our relationship, when I wanted to see the priest the most, he got transferred to a missionary in south america. I still wrote letters as I was still “on the hook”. Years passed and I grew up.

As an adult, a newspaper article came out, on the front page in St. Louis MO, that a priest had been accused of sexual scandals … my mom called me right away and asked “Did Fr. so and so every try anything with you?” Then, I went to explain how I was being “groomed” as an abusee (is that a word?) and my mom was very relieved that that transfer to south america came at the exact time my childhood innocence was being drawn towards the priest. As a followup, it’s been many years, but that priest who performed my baptism and “captured” me, he has since left the catholic church and is now in one of the protestant circles.

Maybe God had thought that being abandoned and malnourished as a child was bad enough and didn’t want to add sex abuse on top of that. Blessings, blessings in my life.

Remember all the good things that have come from your suffering, and in each and every one, you’ll find the grace of God leading you to holiness.

Yep, and to end with a cliche, don’t leave Peter because of Judas.

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