I want to just move forward!


#1

Ok, can someone please tell me what’s going on here. I’ve been dating this girl for a few years. right now I’m not employed. that’s just some info. anyway, here’s the thing. sometimes I think wow it would be awesome to be married to her, and I think of all the fun stuff we’d do, etc. she’s a great person, is very giving, very loving, and we talk all the time, and understand each other. I feel great about it all. but then sometimes I think about it and it’s hard to describe how I feel. maybe I’m just afraid cuz it’s such a big step to get married. also, I don’t know if this sounds ironic, but I’ll try to explain… it’s like I know she wants to get married, so it’s like I feel pressure. but then because of the pressure I get panicked, and that just gets me stressed out, etc. so the stress and all those associated feelings give me a negative feeling. and it’s just like up and down constantly. I know I can’t propose until I have a job anyway. but can anyway give me any advice for dealing with the feelings? help.


#2

Praying for you from the Liturgy of the Hours for July 14th:

Short Responsory

Turn my heart, Lord, to your judgements.
– Turn my heart, Lord, to your judgements.
Give me life and make me follow your path.
– Turn my heart, Lord, to your judgements.
Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit.
– Turn my heart, Lord, to your judgements.


#3

Hi Phil, I’m going to ask this as a more general question, with a title something like “Marriage - if there’s any doubt, don’t???”


#4

[quote="phil8888, post:1, topic:205226"]
Ok, can someone please tell me what's going on here....
... it's like I know she wants to get married, so it's like I feel pressure. but then because of the pressure I get panicked, and that just gets me stressed out, etc. so the stress and all those associated feelings give me a negative feeling. and it's just like up and down constantly. I know I can't propose until I have a job anyway. but can anyway give me any advice for dealing with the feelings? help.

[/quote]

Guys are supposed to be tough, you know. They teach you that from day 1. Guys are supposed to be strong, tough, cool under fire, invulnerable..... no one and nothing is supposed to get to you if you're a guy. Guys pride themselves on that!

OK, well, maybe a lot of the time it's just an act... but that doesn't matter. It's a guy thing.
Women may give their husbands a bad time about not bothering to ask for directions nor read the instructions....
but James Bond does not stop and ask for directions.
McGyver never reads the book of instructions.
Women just don't understand that. It's a guy thing.

Unemployment is very tough on guys because in addition to being out of work, it violates all the rules of guyhood because if there's one thing that guys aren't ever supposed to be, it's vulnerable....and unemployment makes you dang vulnerable.
Even worse than that, it makes you feel dang vulnerable! Argh! Argh! Gnash! Gnash!

Unemployment is one nasty hard lesson in surviving and dealing with your own *vulnerability.*How do you deal with the feelings that go with that?

1 You act, you "fake it until you make it"

2 You learn and grow and explore your world and develop and market your talents like crazy.

It's what they call "a growth experience."
Is growth ever comfortable? Nope. Most of the time in nature growth is also two steps forward, one step back, like the tides.

Love is likewise a very hard lesson in facing and dealing with one's vulnerability.
That is very tough on guys.... because guys aren't ever supposed to be vulnerable!
But love makes you so dang vulnerable, and it makes you feel dang vulnerable on top of it.... and that's not easy to face and to deal with.
How do you deal with the feelings and fears that go with that?
You can't fake it until you make it, because she can see right through you and you know it
(although a lot of guys will try to push her back/distance her to try to limit her view!)
So how do you deal with it?
You learn. You grow. You grow beyond what you now know yourself to be. Love brings out the very best in a human being.... and that makes you strong... stronger than you ever knew you were... strong enough to tolerate being.... vulnerable.
People run across the line of fire of battlefields to be with and help those they love.
That's what love does to people.
It makes them grow to become so much more than they ever were before.

So, ok, you're going through the growth experience of unemployment....
and the growth experience of love...
and facing all the vulnerability of both simultaneously.
Growth is never comfortable, and it takes time.
Not to worry. Give it time. You'll get there.


#5

My Mum's two questions to help someone decide if marriage was right were as follows:

  1. Can you live with them?
  2. Can you live without them? (my answer to this one, as I recall was Yes, but I don't want to)

Also, I advise going to a good premarital counseling service (our Priest counselled us) - it's essential so you can address all the major issues that may pop up in the marriage, before you make the commitment. This is where you learn the answer to question number 1.


#6

Here’s one I’ve used, with your inital reaction being your answer… no over thinking it… are you ready?

If you do not marry her, someone else will. Does the thought of that make you sick, or happy for her?

If it makes you sick, ask her before you lose the chance.

If it makes you happy for her, let her go now so she can meet that person. Really, it is not fair for you to keep her from meeting her husband if it is not going to be you.


#7

[quote="HouseArrest, post:6, topic:205226"]
Here's one I've used, with your inital reaction being your answer... no over thinking it... are you ready?
....

[/quote]

This one! :)

And no talking yourself out of your initial response!


#8

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