I am going to confession today to confess a mortal sin. I do struggle with being scrupulous. I feel that everything I do is bad and I constantly find sin in others and in things around me. I don’t want to go to hell and I really do want to give up the mortal sin that I habitually did. I am afraid that I can’t give it up. I feel no peace when I read the Bible. It only makes me fearful. I feel a little peace if I pray out loud but it is only temporary. The problem is whenever I try to become close to God through prayer or reading the Bible, I only get closer to fear. I just started praying again a week ago and I have found little comfort in the Lord which is why I am having trouble loving him. I know He is the only true bringer of happiness and peace but I haven’t found it yet. I know the devil is telling me to give up. I want to love the Lord but I can’t discern if He really is telling me that everything I do is bad. I feel that I can’t do any of the things that I used to do like school work or practicing my instrument or watching Harry Potter or TV because I am not putting Him first when I am focused on something else. I know we are commanded to love Him above all else but I feel that everything I do breaks that. Surely this cannot be true? God doesn’t want me to be unhappy! But ever since I started praying I have just wanted to return to sin because I felt happier. I feel as if prayer is a burden.
I know I need Jesus and I don’t want to give up but I how do I go about loving again? Can I still focus on practicing my instrument(alot) and enjoying Harry Potter movies? Is this because I lost my state of grace? I want to make a perfect act of contrition and I want to avoid sin but I booming voice keeps telling me I can’t.:shrug: