As a medic, i see it all the time. It is a natural part of life.
you are confusing/being confused by a curiosity about the ultimate unknown (death), which has baffled mankind since day 1, with powerful and sorrowful emotions about the death of a loved one. your mind cannot wrap itself around the 2 concepts at the same time. don’t even try to reconcile the 2, not for a while at least.
i will admit that as soon as i see asystole on the heart monitor, the patients body looks very different almost instantly, not alot of color, the eyes dont look real anymore.
i have gotten called to houses where there was a do not resuscitate order for the patient. the patient was only a little sick when the family was called, but had gone into arrest when we got there. by law we can do nothing except stand there and verify the time of death. at that point, it is really only about being there for the family.
i have said the Hail Mary in spanish and Latin, the Lord’s Prayer in Latin as well as Aramaic for the person, and the family. I quoted the beatitudes once for a lady en route to the hostipal with a DNR order, where she dies holding my hand. I have had people trapped in cars confess their sins before dying to me, not that i am in any way ordained to forgive, but only there to listen.
I have lost it, knocked over trays, kicked the ambulance, thrown supplies, cried, screamed, cursed, and generally fell apart a few times when i cant save someone, the calls where it just tears you apart.
ONLY with time will things make more sense. i will not share some of the thoughts and feelings i have had, some are just too private and weird, but they are NATURAL REACTION to something that your mind cannot comprehend…