I remember, when I converted, I was very holy. I would deny all thanks and give thanks to God, I would do my best to avoid sin, I would be more open to God, I would pray and fast more, I woul meditate and recollect, I would gobble up spiritual books, I would read the Word of God…now I am a terrible and evil person. I am childish, but not childlike; I am a sin, but not sorry for my sins; I desire God so much, but I am afraid of going to Him; I want to be holy, but I spurn God’s graces; I want to stop sinning, but I continue. It is as if I am Veronica’s evil twin, wiping Jesus’ Face with one hand and slapping Him with my other hand. I pray for trust, I pray for grace, I pray for love, yet what I am? But a worm - no, less than a worm! I desire that holiness I once had, yet I know God is leading me to a greater holiness, yet I fear I am spurning Him and will not become holy.
In my dreams I can see God is telling me the state of my soul: wicked, horrible, black as sin. He is calling me to His Mercy, to Confession, yet I am unable to go, and I dread going because of my sin. He is also calling me to something else, but I don’t know what, and it seems I am getting mixed messages to either marriage or the priesthood. In my dreams I go to Hell and I can see the demons chaining me up and laughing and I suffer for eternity. I don’t want to lose Heaven, but, what selfish attitude is this, I must instead not want to offend Jesus for the sake of His sorrowful Passion, for His sake, and yet, who am I to dare spurn the grace of eternal life? Oh how miserable I am! I wish I was more holy, like before.