I wish I was more holy, like before


I remember, when I converted, I was very holy. I would deny all thanks and give thanks to God, I would do my best to avoid sin, I would be more open to God, I would pray and fast more, I woul meditate and recollect, I would gobble up spiritual books, I would read the Word of God…now I am a terrible and evil person. I am childish, but not childlike; I am a sin, but not sorry for my sins; I desire God so much, but I am afraid of going to Him; I want to be holy, but I spurn God’s graces; I want to stop sinning, but I continue. It is as if I am Veronica’s evil twin, wiping Jesus’ Face with one hand and slapping Him with my other hand. I pray for trust, I pray for grace, I pray for love, yet what I am? But a worm - no, less than a worm! I desire that holiness I once had, yet I know God is leading me to a greater holiness, yet I fear I am spurning Him and will not become holy.

In my dreams I can see God is telling me the state of my soul: wicked, horrible, black as sin. He is calling me to His Mercy, to Confession, yet I am unable to go, and I dread going because of my sin. He is also calling me to something else, but I don’t know what, and it seems I am getting mixed messages to either marriage or the priesthood. In my dreams I go to Hell and I can see the demons chaining me up and laughing and I suffer for eternity. I don’t want to lose Heaven, but, what selfish attitude is this, I must instead not want to offend Jesus for the sake of His sorrowful Passion, for His sake, and yet, who am I to dare spurn the grace of eternal life? Oh how miserable I am! I wish I was more holy, like before.


Hello there Eucharistic. I’ve read many of your posts. First, let me remind you we are all sinners-we all fall alot…falling comes easy getting up is hard. It was hard for Jesus as well. Just as he was being whipped and beaten down as he tried to get back up and berated by the soldiers so we do the same to ourselves and the enemy. From what I have experienced you have to have to do some soul searching and discern your will from God’s. I remember reading about who you happen to fall in love with…you will know your answer by its fruits. I have also been going through some discernment about my vocation-I did read something a nun had written it is better to find out first if you are called to religious and priesthood first, pursue that avenue first. I think perhaps your trying to find your answers backwards. If it is meant to be with this woman…it will be. But the more you share it appears that you are called to be a priest. I remember reading an article some years ago written by a woman who married a former priest and how he always longed and sighed for God. And she went on to warn other women not to fall in love with a priest…because you will never be their true love. If you are not so sorry why are you lamenting so much? Don’t listen to that negative voice, surrender your will to God as Mary did and go to confession and Trust in God’s Mercy. Really you don’t know what He has in store for you. Perhaps He’s giving a lesson in Trust & His Mercy, to rely upon Him and not your own understanding. He is letting you go through this for a reason. Maybe you have a choice to make…it’s either the woman (your will?) or God, maybe you can’t have both. I don’t know…go to the Blessed Virgin-she will help you. She has always helped me and believe me she is very kind and gentle


Thank you for your reply :slight_smile:

I tried to enter the priesthood once, but I failed. You have to get a decree in theology or something similar before entering a seminar, but I wasn’t able to. Maybe God is calling me to the priesthood by a different route? I don’t know. I will ask Mary for help. She’s a good mommy.


For one thing, I was able to do things academically at a somewhat later age that I hadn’t been able (or chosen to be able :rolleyes:) to do before. Fr. Corapi often talks about his having gotten so many higher level degrees, when he was never that much of an academic. God had given him the needed grace. Also, He may have wanted you to learn increased humility before becoming a priest.

Another route that is possible that you’ll want to discern (before getting real involved with a woman) is that of a monk/friar. :shrug:

I’ll pray for your discernment.


That makes sense :slight_smile: Not sure about being a friar, though. I’m not that disciplined.


What’s happening is you’re becoming more aware of your shortcomings.


You won’t be able to respond to any other calling of God until you respond to His call to Confession. Without sanctifying grace our soul is dead. If you are dreading going, then pray for the grace to overcome whatever it is (pride?) that keeps you from Confessing your sin. You are unable to go? I bet if the priest were handing you a check for $1M you’d figure out a way to get there. What you will receive is priceless - the gift of forgiveness, grace to overcome sin, and most of all the Most Precious indwelling Trinity. If you are serious about wanting to be more holy, then you will find a way to get to Confession.

"If you will consult your heart in all honesty, you will know that there is only one reason why you are not even now a saint: you do not wholly want to be."
-William Law


Think of it as a bit like a marriage or a new job, E - there’s always the early period where we feel so ‘in love’ with our spouse or our new job that we really become quite obsessive, and think nothing of devoting all our time and energy to the spouse or the job.

After a while, the emotional aspect settles down, either a little or a lot, and without it we start to recognise the marriage or the job for what it really is - WORK, and an act of the will. Same with prayer, same with sanctity.

Remember, even the Apostles, who doubtless were genuinely devoted to Our Lord, had their ups and downs, their moments when they abandoned Him, or (even after the Resurrection) started bickering over circumcision and things like that.

If you have problems, then pray about the problems! If you can’t pray as much as you’d like, can you at least bring yourself to pray for the grace to pray more? If you can’t be as holy as you’d like, can you at least bring yourself to pray for the grace to be holier?


That also makes sense :slight_smile:


Thanks for that, Clunk :slight_smile:


Yes, I do need to pray more, and ask God for His graces for holiness! And you’re right about the emotional attachment that comes with love. I will think about this :slight_smile:


is your wiccan girlfriend respectful of your faith? does she understand Catholicism or try to understand it? does she try to get you to understand her wiccan faith?

you are in my prayers. :hug1:

also i haven’t read this yet, but i am hoping to. it might be of help.

Dark Night of the Soul. **In Dark Night of the Soul, Saint John of the Cross presents for us a portrait - painted from his own experience - of one who advances successfully through the struggles of the spiritual life. The “dark night” that St. John describes is not abandonment by God but special consideration from Him for those who desire to purify and perfect their souls. With a soul purified from earthly attachments, we can advance through the much quoted but oft misunderstood “dark night of the soul” into unity with God. By accepting the desolation and difficulty of this process, the soul cooperates with God and opens itself to receiving and revealing more perfectly God’s glory.


Eucharisted, what is the rest of your life like? What kind of work do you do? Do you have hobbies or play sports? Do you have friends other than your girlfriend?

God wants us to be well-rounded people, not obsessed with religion. He wants us to be fully human, and, as such, give glory to Him as the Creator.

You should by all means keep a schedule of prayer. You should also live the rest of your life in such a way that it gives glory to God and draws other people to Him. They should see how happy you are and how good you are at what you do and wonder what your secret is.

Maybe this difficulty will help you move toward a more balanced life, if that’s what you need.



My :twocents::

It sounds to me like there’s a major battle going on. If your girlfriend is wiccan and you’re discerning the priesthood; then there might be a whiff of sulpher in the air. As your love for God was so powerful in the beginning, then a powerful enemy jealously wants to take you from that. Aren’t the fervent ones more of a prize for the enemy than lukewarm ones? Talk to Jesus as though he was your closest friend and confidante, because he is. Go to confession in a booth and not face to face if you are reluctant to confess. I’m sorry, perhaps it’s not my place to say it, but ditch the wiccan girlfriend. My son has been flirting with wiccan for a long time and it’s a minor kind of possession if you ask me. Pray for her as I pray for my son. It’s Lent. Throw yourself into more spiritual activities. Try to get back to where you were. Who knows, you might be back for Easter and rise victorious with Him. God bless you.

Pax et Bonum


E -

I know it’s really hard to not continue seeing your wiccan girlfriend and if she were to agree (truthfully) to avidly learn of the Catholic faith then you could still see her without worrying as much that you are being seduced to disavow the Lord (with the clear understanding between the two of you, that Christianity is your priority). Leading her on (although, not purposely) due to your indecision is not fair to her either. I don’t know if you are in a position to do this, but a weekend retreat at a nearby monastery could very possibly be helpful to you. At the least it may help you to discern your own will toward the Lord. Seems to me that your present qualms have more to do with deciding for sure your devotion to Him as to marriage vs. priesthood. I may very well be wrong, tho’.


Eucharisted, don’t feel bad. If anyone needs to be more holy, it’s me. Actually everyone needs to be more holy but you get my point. The reason I say that I need to be more holy is because I will often commit a mortal sin multiple times per week requiring that I go to confession multiple times per week if I can. It sucks and maybe I’m just scrupulous but I honestly think that I fall in to mortal sin multiple times per week sometimes. :frowning:


I am not sure if anyone has answered this part to you, but you don’t have to have degree in theology to enter a seminary. If you haven’t got any college degree, in order to study theology in seminary, you will need an undergraduate degree and mostly in philosophy. If you have some sort of degree, then you need pre-theology for 2 years before going to study theology.


It takes a lot of intestinal fortitude to open yourself up like this to people who care deeply for you, let alone leaving yourself to open criticism to anyone who may not have your best interests at heart.

I think you’re a good egg, mate. I think being able to see yourself and your short comings is a strength.

God’s peace be with you. Continue to run the race!




Here’s an excerpt from Sr. Patricia’s e-newsletter which I receive during the week. Hope this helps:
Quote for the Day:
"Satan has in fact a plan against the saints of the Most High which is to wear them out. What is meant by this phrase, “wear out”?

It has in it the idea of reducing a little this minute, then reducing a little further the next minute. Reduce a little today, reduce a little tomorrow.

Thus the wearing out is almost imperceptible; nevertheless, it is a reducing. The wearing down is scarcely an activity of which one is conscious, yet the end result is that there is nothing left.

He will take away your prayer life little by little, and cause you to trust God less and less and yourself more and more, a little at a time.

He will make you feel somewhat cleverer than before.

Step by step, you are misled to rely more on your own gift, and step by step your heart is enticed away from the Lord.

Now, were Satan to strike the children of God with great force at one time, they would know exactly how to resist the enemy since they would immediately recognize his work.

He uses the method of gradualism to wear down the people of God."

Watchman Nee

Quote from the book, “101 Inspirational Stories of the Power of Prayer”

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