If CAF Were Star Trek

The Shaded University of Umbravia, after must toil, has isolated seven distinct categories of posters on CAF. This research is presented below:

The Federation

Known throughout the galaxy as insufferable do-gooders with an excess of the phelgmatic, the CAF poster known as The Federation is always whining “can’t we all just get along?” and his finger trembles over the trigger of his report-user phaser whenever the discussion gets even a little heated. Armed with his Prime Directive CAF Rules in one virtual hand, and Roberts Rules of Order in the other, The Federation is an asset to the thread when his middleman demeanor can bring a sense of regularity and common-rule, and he is usually the first to spot bad-actors.

Good Federation: “Let’s keep it clean, folks!”
Bad Federation: “I will conquer the whole forum with the ‘report’ button! FREEDOM!!!”

The Klingon Empire

Fiercely territorial and expansionistic, The Klingon puts the “militant” in the third order of the Church He states his opinion directly, concisely, and with few frills (which The Federation often believes to be rather barbaric, but it’s so much easier to just push the ‘report’ button then to talk with him). Klingons are very passionate about whatever they’re doing, so if another poster slights his honor by belittling a part of his post, one of the two will end up in sickbay. The excitement and originality of the Klingon’s opinions can make him an asset to a thread.

Good Klingon: For the love of all that’s holy, buttercup, quit sitting around and make a convert!
Bad Klingon: You don’t like my opinion? Taste my bat’leth!

The Ferengi Alliance

Known as the capitalist goof-ball of the galaxy, The Ferengi is the poster who places an obscenely high value on something that no one else finds useful, or even knew existed. The Ferengi loves that one 15th century text that says everything about everything and is the most important text in the history of texts on the subject - whatever the subject is. Surprisingly, he usually gets along with the Klingon, but he largely ignores the Federation, much to the Federation’s annoyance. He can add additional perspectives to the thread.

Good Ferengi: “Here is something I’ve found in my research that adds a unique perspective…”
Bad Ferengi: “See it? See it right there in black and white Latinum? I’m right! You’re wrong! The Latinum says so!”


The Borg Collective

Cold and analytical, the Borg has dreams of conquering the Forums and doing it with a frown. The Borg will police his own posts scrupulously, purging every trace of emotion or humanity. Sarcasm will almost always escape his control, annoying pretty much everyone. The Borg can add precision and depth to a thread by insightful questions and logical reasoning.

Good Borg: I think that your analysis is incorrect, because it violates this rule of reasoning…
Bad Borg: Your emotions are getting in the way of accepting my opinion. Resistance is futile. Just accept my ideas, because they are better than yours.

The Romulan Star-Empire

Formal and hierarchical, The Romulan is a master of jargon. An argument between two Romulans is like being ring-side for a match between the Encyclopedia Britannica and Webster’s Dictionary. You’re never confused; you have cognitive dissonance. The Romulan has often does some serious study, and has a lot to offer to a thread if she can be encouraged to find ways to say it.

Good Romulan: A professor I had once told it to me like this…
Bad Romulan: "Are you a semi-Pelagian? Because I’m pretty sure that the 155th canon of the Council of Orange (in the Greek numbering, mind you, not the Latin), condemned the anti-numerary nonsense that you are spouting!

The Bajorans

Oh, the Bajorans. Such a spiritual people. What need has The Bajoran for anything like the mean depravity of The Klingon or all those Federation rules (until the Klingon attacks her, and then she runs to the Federation screaming for him to use that phaser of his). Peace. Love. The other word in that book. The Bajoran wants all people to sing together (after she picks the song). A little bit of sunshine on these dreary fiber-optics, The Bajoran can help to lighten the mood of a thread, or to encourage a down-cast poster.

Good Bajoran: You seem a little down, what can I pray for with you?
Bad Bajoran: Kum-bai-yah my Lord, kum-bai-yah!

The Q Continuum

Known for doing whatever he jolly well pleases, The Q will fly from thread to thread, making light, joking comments or poking fun at the posters. Though a mostly-harmless creature, he can offend and annoy anyone with ease - and with a boyish grin. While the Q may personally hold deep convictions, on CAF he does not pretend to have any motive higher than his own enjoyment, and so his own “side” is just as likely to suffer from his pranks as the opponent. The Q can help to de-escalate situations, by providing a light-hearted commentary on the thread.

Good Q: What’s everybody up in arms on this thread for? You going to punch your screens or something?
Bad Q: I know this thread is about church history in the 18th century, but I LIKE CHEESE! [takes another drink]

That concludes the painstaking research by the Institute for Solid-Folk Studies at the Shaded University of Umbravia. Go shadowcats!


Does that make the Forums itself into the Dominion?


The Vulcans? Where are the Vulcans? Yes, the Romulus are also the logical serious folk and are genetically related to Vulcans but they have the advantage of while being coldly logical, they also enjoy the company of those with differing opinions!

Good Vulcans: While I see a bit of failed logic, thanks for sharing that insight.
Bad Vulcans: Illogical!


The Galatic Historian has been commanded to reply:
Ah, but were not the Vulcans a founding member of The Federation? :upside_down_face:


And the moderators would be the Jem Hadar. . .


True dat! :joy:
Do we know what other races were founding members?

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Earth, Vulcan, Andoria, and Tellar.


Quasitenebrous VI, Penultimus declares that stpurl is the new Galatic Historian!


Was this ever in the shows or is this from the books? While I’ve read a few, it’s been years and only a few! :joy:

Ps…who are the Tellars? Not ringing a bell?

I’d be a red shirt.

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Don’t forget the Tribbles. These are the political threads which multiply and take over CAF before the presidential election.



I always found Lt Barclay relatable

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The President of the Shaded University has this announcement:

The next phase of this research will involve finding precisely what percentage of posters each category can claim. Sadly, the government grants that were earmarked for this research have dried up, and so the Institute has been forced to hold a bake-sale on the planet Tellar - the one founding member of the Federation that nobody ever remembers. Please contact the General Secretary for tickets.

They were the pig looking species, Tellarites might ring a bell

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Ahhh, yes. Bell ringing! :bellhop_bell:. I don’t remember them being in very many episode…nor do I remember what they were like personality wise…barely remember them at all! :rofl:

They are supposed be essential to the Federation but rarely appeared on screen till recent years, partly I suspect in the TOS due to the limitations of make up an special effects. Enterprise has a fair few episodes with them, as does Discovery apparently. Haven’t watched much of the latter series as I’m not overly keen on it from what I saw.

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You saying the moderators have short lifespans, like fighting and are asexual?

That makes sense. Though I watched Enterprise when it was originally on TV, I barely remember them and I’ve never watched Discovery as it’s pay to view. I can’t take on any more subscription services unless I give up something else…and I’m not going to do that!

Rude, rudeness and arguing is considered an important part of Tellarite culture, they like to argue and how well you can do it is important.

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