If I was YOUR daughter, would you expect me to make my own way?


#1

I'm a single mother, 20 years old, had a child out of wedlock. He is currently 9 months old. My parents are allowing me to live at home and not work while I go to nursing school. My parents provide pretty much for everything my son and I need. Keep in mind my parents are not Catholic nor religious. Although she means well, my mom actually behaves in anti-religious ways at times.

I've seen it a couple times at least on this forum that some parents believe it is best to, for lack of better words, kick their daughter out of the house so she could learn how much responsiblity it takes to support a little one. I mean, they would do that once they learned their daughter was pregnant. I'm not writing this thread to bash that idea. I am actually wondering, what is the perspective of Catholic parents when situations like this arise?

I've only been Catholic for a little over a year but I really want to do my best to raise my son in the Faith. I'm concerned that the home in which my son and I live in now may not be very conducive to raising a child Catholic. I've been kind of on-and-off playing with the idea of living on my own. I've prayed about this and it seems as if either God just wants me to wait a little longer for an answer or that He wants me to just wait until I'm settled in a stable nursing job. My son will probably be closer to 3 years old by the time I will be working as a nurse, that is, if everything goes as planned.:shrug:

Do any of you have any ideas or thoughts you would like to add?

Thank you for your time. God bless


#2

[quote="jenlovesyu, post:1, topic:206194"]
I'm a single mother, 20 years old, had a child out of wedlock. He is currently 9 months old. My parents are allowing me to live at home and not work while I go to nursing school. My parents provide pretty much for everything my son and I need. Keep in mind my parents are not Catholic nor religious. Although she means well, my mom actually behaves in anti-religious ways at times.

I've seen it a couple times at least on this forum that some parents believe it is best to, for lack of better words, kick their daughter out of the house so she could learn how much responsiblity it takes to support a little one. I mean, they would do that once they learned their daughter was pregnant. I'm not writing this thread to bash that idea. I am actually wondering, what is the perspective of Catholic parents when situations like this arise?

I've only been Catholic for a little over a year but I really want to do my best to raise my son in the Faith. I'm concerned that the home in which my son and I live in now may not be very conducive to raising a child Catholic. I've been kind of on-and-off playing with the idea of living on my own. I've prayed about this and it seems as if either God just wants me to wait a little longer for an answer or that He wants me to just wait until I'm settled in a stable nursing job. My son will probably be closer to 3 years old by the time I will be working as a nurse, that is, if everything goes as planned.:shrug:

Do any of you have any ideas or thoughts you would like to add?

Thank you for your time. God bless

[/quote]

Well, for what it's worth, my mother is Catholic. And, although none of us ever got pregnant out of wedlock, I know my mother would have supported us as much as she could if we had gotten pregnant. Also, if I were a mother, I would let my daughter and my grandchild stay at my house until they could make it on their own. That's not to say I condone premarital sex, but I don't think I could ever abandon my own child. Besides, I'm sure you know how much responsibility a child is even without being kicked out!

Anyway, I think you should probably stay with your parents until you have a stable job. You can't live without money. ;)

I'm sorry your mom is anti-religious though. That must make it hard. Good luck!


#3

Well, I am not a parent, but I am a daughter. So for what it's worth:

No, I would not expect that a 20 year old unwed mother with no education can make it on their own by themselves.

Catholic parents can't expect their Catholic children to obey laws such as "no abortion" if they kick their child out for making a mistake due to succumbing to weakness and becoming pregnant. If parents kick out their kids when their kids need them most, because they used poor judgement, that implies they can never fix their mistakes and that they can't be forgiven for breaking Church laws.

Many women say that they have had abortions because they have been made to believe it was their only choice: that they didn't have money, or a place to go, or were in abusive relationships. If you give pregnant women a no-win situation, you can pretty much be assured that she will consider an abortion. But if you open up the door to her and help her, you actually give her a choice that matters.

Yes, premarital sex is against the laws of the Church, but what's done is done, and everyone including the pregnant unwed woman and her family need to move forward, not keep looking back. You can only change your present and future, you can never go back and change the past. You can change that you had premarital sex in the past and got pregnant. But you can make sure you don't do it again, and you can make sure you give your child the best life you can by setting the best moral example that you can. You can't do that if you're out on the street.

I commend you for taking responsibility for the little life you created, and for persevering in school to better your life as well as your child's. I commend your parents for setting a good example by helping you along the way and forgiving you for using poor judgement.

Kicking out your child for making a mistake is not the Catholic way. Showing them the way back to the Church is the Catholic way.

That doesn't mean that someone who constantly breaks the rules of the Church should be tolerated. That means that if someone is making an effort to make things right, they deserve to be helped if they need the help. Otherwise, don't complain if they can't get it right.


#4

Your actions, particularly at this age, are a result of your parents' ability or inability to raise you. How hypocritical of a parent to poorly equip a child and then kick the kid out when he/she encounters trouble.


#5

How wonderful that you are trying to make a good life for you and the baby by going to school and that your parents are helping you reach your goal. Good for you.

I agree with everything said above and no I could not/would not kick my kid out of the house especially when there is such an effort being made towards a better life. :thumbsup:


#6

No, I wouldn't ask you to leave. Family comes second only to God, so while I would expect you to work toward financial independence, and I would ask that you to respect household rules (only have three: Nothing against God and His Church, Nothing against the family, and nothing against the law), I would have no problem with a son or daughter of mine staying with me until they can get back on their feet.


#7

Well done for trying to bring up your child in the ways of holiness and also for your dedication in earning a living for yourself in nursing.Your mother must have a lot of natural goodness and love for you and her grandchild.

I would never drive away a daughter or son just because they made a bad choice in their lives.I think that most catholic parents would think on the same lines.In the past there was a shame attached to unwed mothers ;but thankfully this unjust attitude is well past.

If you were my daughter Jennifer , I would encourage you to pray that if it was God's Will,that you might find a good man to marry.Some unwed mothers' have a lack sense of selfworth and think that a good young man would not be interested in them, as they feel they are "soiled goods". I hope you are not one of these,I will keep you in my prayers trusting that you would be open to the idea of marriage and having the support of a man in the bringing up of your child and please God,others as well in the future.

May St.Joseph love and protect you and your child--through the intercession of Blessed Brother Andre Bissett your mother too will receice the grace of conversion.


#8

youtube.com/watch?v=lIGbPfNnWPs

This a link to Blessed Andre Bessette.I am sure this humble servant reflects the manner of what St.Joseph would have done if you were his daughter(though you can be his spiritual one in Christ).St.Joseph took Mary as his bride ,even though Jesus was not his natural child;Grace won over natural concerns!


#9

well, my parents supported my sister when she had my nephew at 19.

And, now she's 43 with three new kids--ages 6, 4, and 6 mns. They are fully supporting her now.

So, they've been fully and partially supporting her for 24 years.

so, yes, I see the point of pushing an adult child to independence.

I don't know if my sister would be a more responsible adult if my parents had been more willing to let her fail. But, their policy of propping her up has failed completely.

So, yes, out of love, I would gradually withdraw financial support for my adult daughter. I've seen the 20 years later.


#10

[quote="Nec5, post:4, topic:206194"]
Your actions, particularly at this age, are a result of your parents' ability or inability to raise you. How hypocritical of a parent to poorly equip a child and then kick the kid out when he/she encounters trouble.

[/quote]

No, they are a result of her personal choice as an adult.


#11

[quote="jenlovesyu, post:1, topic:206194"]
I'm a single mother, 20 years old, had a child out of wedlock. He is currently 9 months old. My parents are allowing me to live at home and not work while I go to nursing school. My parents provide pretty much for everything my son and I need. Keep in mind my parents are not Catholic nor religious. Although she means well, my mom actually behaves in anti-religious ways at times.

I've seen it a couple times at least on this forum that some parents believe it is best to, for lack of better words, kick their daughter out of the house so she could learn how much responsiblity it takes to support a little one. I mean, they would do that once they learned their daughter was pregnant. I'm not writing this thread to bash that idea. I am actually wondering, what is the perspective of Catholic parents when situations like this arise?

I've only been Catholic for a little over a year but I really want to do my best to raise my son in the Faith. I'm concerned that the home in which my son and I live in now may not be very conducive to raising a child Catholic. I've been kind of on-and-off playing with the idea of living on my own. I've prayed about this and it seems as if either God just wants me to wait a little longer for an answer or that He wants me to just wait until I'm settled in a stable nursing job. My son will probably be closer to 3 years old by the time I will be working as a nurse, that is, if everything goes as planned.:shrug:

Do any of you have any ideas or thoughts you would like to add?

Thank you for your time. God bless

[/quote]

If you were just using the baby as an excuse to sit around and do nothing, that would be one thing. But you're not -- you have a plan, and you're getting your education. No, I wouldn't kick you out if you were mine.
God bless you and your son, and your parents too.


#12

[quote="texasnan, post:11, topic:206194"]
If you were just using the baby as an excuse to sit around and do nothing, that would be one thing. But you're not -- you have a plan, and you're getting your education. .

[/quote]

yes, that's a big plus! I would beg you not to date until you are older and independent.


#13

[quote="jmjMom, post:12, topic:206194"]
yes, that's a big plus! I would beg you not to date until you are older and independent.

[/quote]

Beg?

You're the parent, not a BF.

I would demand it. I would require it.

It would be part of a "contract" that would determine whether or not you were allowed to live at home and receive full support from parents.


#14

[quote="Cat, post:13, topic:206194"]
Beg?

You're the parent, not a BF.

I would demand it. I would require it.

It would be part of a "contract" that would determine whether or not you were allowed to live at home and receive full support from parents.

[/quote]

Good point, Cat! Good for you. I hope I can be a stronger parent than my own parents.


#15

[quote="Nec5, post:4, topic:206194"]
Your actions, particularly at this age, are a result of your parents' ability or inability to raise you. .

[/quote]

:rolleyes:


#16

I think it depends alot on the situation.

The child herself (or in a rare case, himself) willing to straigten up and fly right?
This means no drugs, no alcohol, no partying and willing to get a job and have goals in life. This means that mother, father or other sibilings would not be seen as free babysitting.

Can a parent afford it compared to other responsibilities?

For instance, are they disabled, unemployed or caring for an incapacitated sibling or elder? I wouldn't put my mom in a nursing home so I could provide for an adult child.

Can a parent protect other minors?
This would probably be the most important. If I had littles there would be absolutely NO dating allowed. I'm not saying from the "sex outside of marriage" but from the dangers that it can bring into the house. Too often younger siblings become casualties of older sibling's mistakes. I don't plan on helping very much with college but, for instance, I would not sacrifice one child's future for the future of another who was a grown adult. Now if the pregnant daughter or son with a child was still a minor herself/himself then other things would have to be considered.

I think, it REALLY would depend on the situation, on the family, on the decision of the adult child to take on this new step in their life and work with it.

So in your case from what you're telling us, yes, as a parent I'd support you. It would all depend


#17

I applaud you for taking responsibility and getting an education and choosing life. Even if your parents aren't religious they sound like decent people who love you. I would take that as a gift from GOD and maybe by your example they will eventually come to find him. The only thing you can really do is pray for them.

If I had a daughter I would never abandon her no matter how old she was . We all make mistakes and the important thing is what we do afterwards to change and what we do for others. I think independence is important too don't get me wrong but for some it takes a little longer than others.


#18

As I recall, the threads I have read about parents considering kicking their adult children out of the house have involved adult children who are doing nothing to become independent, or exhibiting immoral behaviors (drug/alcohol use, sexual immorality) which are negatively affecting younger siblings. Usually, when the adult child is working (but not earning enough to live on own), in school, or actively looking for work, and not doing things the parents would disapprove of, there's no problem (except, maybe, snide comments from people who don't understand that parents and adult children can relate to each other as adults).

There are very few people who believe in "one strike and you're out" with respect to their own children's mistakes, but I can see where running across one or two right now would be unsettling. It sounds like you are working on becoming independent, and doing everything you can to raise your child the best you can. The fact that you need help right now doesn't negate that effort.

If you think your parents will make raising your child Catholic difficult, you will want to be living on your own by the time the child is 3 or 4, but is that a good reason to move out now? Unless they are making it hard for you to be Catholic, staying with them will make studying for your degree easier, and relieve the stress of not being able to provide for your child. Start planning now for what you will need to do to move--you can start saving for the move and maybe start a "hope chest" of things you will need then. If you start planning now, if your situation changes and you need to move before you graduate you will be in a better position, and if you don't move until you're working you will be in great shape financially and mentally.


#19

Our parents were willing to have their children as house mates under these conditions:

1) Adults act like adults, meaning they are either in school full-time or have a job, and also pick up jobs around the house as their time permitted.

2) The owners of the house make the house rules, which are appropriate for moral adults. There got to be an age where you could stay out as late as you wanted, provided you had the common courtesy to let the parents know roughly when you would be back.

All the adults in the house take some responsibility for the kids, but the parents have the primary responsibility. Probably my parents would help out with child care while you were working, but only from time to time for the sake of your leisure. You'd also have to parent your child in a manner that would make the grandparents able to live with the kid without going nuts. They're entitled to some semblance of peace in their own home.

If you were leaving your child with a sitter all of the time so that you could act like you weren't a parent, even if you were paying for it, you'd have to find another roommate. If you were doing your best but could only find a job that didn't pay enough to make ends meet, though, they wouldn't expect you to pay rent.


#20

God sure is good :D

I really appreciate all of your responses! I tend to worry, even about the littlest things :shrug: so I praise God for the reassurance. I am blessed to have my parents because they really are wonderful people.

karoleck, Thank you for your kind words and for mentioning that saint. Looks like I have some more praying to do;) I humbly ask for your prayers that God bring a good Catholic man into my life on His time if that is His will.
However, even though my parents haven't banned me from dating (not that they would recommend it), I think it would be a good idea to go along with what Cat and jmjMom were saying. I really shouldn't be dating right now :o I'm not sure i'd find the time anyway.

Adriana01, I think your words were exactly what I needed to know. I think I may have misread what some other posters wrote on some of the other threads. I suppose I just wanted to make sure. I am going to keep your advice in mind so I can be prepared when I will actually have to move out.

Thankfully my only younger sibling is my little sister who is starting college this fall. What's more exciting though is that she is actually starting RCIA too! I have had talks with her to try and encourage her to remain chaste no matter what. She has been very receptive, thanks be to God. :thumbsup:

Nec5, I understand why you would think it was my parents fault for my mistakes. However, I think it is ineffective to say something like that to a person my age because it will only encourage one to continue to behave in an irresponsible manner. After all, I can just blame it on my parents right? Parents do have a major responsibility in instilling morals and values into their children but one the kids reach a certain age the responsibility falls on them to practice those morals and values. My parents didn't exactly teach me to practice chastity but it still isn't their fault nor their responsibility to provide for me. It's not like I don't know where babies come from by now :blush:
What is most important though is that I have reconciled with God and I am striving to serve the Lord and His children. God knows what is in my heart. ;)


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