If I'm fat, can I blame my husband for watching porn/having online girlfriends?


#1

Ok, I am just going to cut to the chase here, and add background information only if anyone who replies should ask for it.

I have a serious weight problem. I am 5 ’ 7" and close to 300 pounds. I KNOW that I should stop eating compulsively, yet every time I try to fast or diet, I get extremely hungry or dizzy or lightheaded and end up eating too much. And there are plenty of other times when I eat simply because it is the only thing I really enjoy doing anymore. I know absolutely that I have to stop, that this is gluttony and it’s wrong, but I’ve failed so many times it’s hard to get up any motivation. And I know that even if I started starving myself right now, it would take months, maybe even years, to get back to the appearance I used to have.

Now, I also know that my weight has pretty much turned my husband off when it comes to our sex life as well. As I’ve explained above, it’s not just a case of he think’s I’m a little too chubby, I am unquestionably seriously obese. It’s gotten to the point where 1) he has taken up with girlfriends on the internet, which he tells me all about, where they are from, what they look like, etc. and he even tells me that he has done, um, sexual stuff with some (not all) of them. He considers this doing me a favor because he “isn’t hiding anything” from me. And 2) on the rare occasions when he tries to do anything sexual with me, he now insists on watching porn WHILE we do it, because that’s the only way, he says, he can be satisfied since it’s become so physically difficult to do anything with me. It hurts me terribly, but the thing is, it’s 100 percent true, I know he’s not just being gratuitously insulting.

My problem is: I feel I have no right to object to what he is doing because I’ve gotten so fat and unattractive. And, not only that, I am kind of a “witch” at times and lose my temper easily and am really awkward and clumsy about everything. How can I possibly ask him to give up his bad habits if I can’t give up mine, and can’t set a good Christian example?

I have a very hard time expressing just how horribly this hurts me and how much of a total failure I feel like. It’s gotten to the point where I find it hard to even pray for him to change because it feels like beating my head against a brick wall. Tonight was just the last straw and since I have NO ONE, anywhere, I can talk to about this – no friends, my family is all dead or living far away, and I would be way too embarrased to talk to a priest about this – I thought I would post it here. I feel really ashamed to do this but I just HAVE to get some advice, somewhere, that doesn’t cost $100 an hour and is completely anonymous. He doesn’t know about this blog and I have never told him that I post here.


#2

Marriage makes two people become one. Your husband’s porn and your weight are separate issues that relate to each other because you are married to each other. Everyone is prone to some type of sin. Your husband is guilty of the sin of lust and you already know you have problems with gluttony. The more he lusts, the more you turn to food, and the more you turn to food, the more he turns away from you to lusting after other women.

You are not to blame for his problems, and he is not to blame for yours, yet the problems that both of you have seem to be causing a downward spiral for both of you. You*** do*** have a right to complain about his behavior. What he is doing is terrible for both him and you. It boarders on cruelty. However, I don’t know if complaining about his behavior will be of any benefit, (just as it probably doesn’t help you if he complains about your overeating.) It is not right for him to make you participate in watching porn, and he’s doing you no favor in confessing to you about all his internet escapades. It might make him feel better to confess that, but he should confess it to a priest.

I can’t give you medical advice, but I do encourage you to talk to a doctor. A good doctor can help you find something healthier between the extremes of starvation & dizziness vs. compulsive overeating. I also give you the spiritual advice to go to confession for some spiritual healing. You don’t have to go into great detail in the confessional, but bring this to Jesus in the Sacrament of Confession.

I will pray for you. :gopray:


#3

From a married man, no, it's not acceptable nor is it your fault.

Watching porn is a sin, no matter why. Infidelity of any kind is a sin, no matter why.

Not only that but men find their wives don't look like they did when they married them all of the time and they don't watch porn or cheat. The same can be said for men not looking like they did when they married. When you love someone, you tend to still be attracted to them no matter how they look because of the emotional attachment.

Chances are that there is something else at the core of this and that his issue with your weight is just part of the external issues.

Personally, I would consider some counseling and/or talk to you local priest if you can. However, there is not excuse for his behavior and you are not responsible for his sins.


#4

"In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, to love and to cherish. Until death do us part".

He's not loving you by doing this, he's not cherishing you either. He's breaking the vows made before the Church community and to God Himself. Your husband doing this can' t be good for your self-esteem, which in turn can't be good for your over-eating. If anything I dare say that his adulterous tendencies are "enabling" you and making you eat more.

He needs to stop what he is doing and be supportive and help you get the help you need (which I hope you're seeing a professional about). He also needs help because he might have his own addictions.


#5

Your husband is acting gravely sinful and not placing you first. Praying.


#6

In a word: No, your weight does not justify your husband's behavior. And yes, he **is **being gratuitously insulting. He made a vow to be faithful to you which doesn't have a "unless she gets fat" exclusion to the vow.

That said, your weight could have serious health consequences for you. Perhaps a plan like SparkPeople.com (which is free) or your doctor can line you up with a dietician to make a plan. Starving yourself is (as you've found) counter-productive, and yes, the weight loss will take a long time (2 lbs a week would be the maximum you should lose), but the benefits to your health are worth it (and you can celebrate the mini-goals, like 10lb lost, or 10% of goal, 25% of goal, etc.--buy yourself a new pretty top or something of that nature or get a new hair cut ... something for you to help celebrate the achievement).

I'm a little more concerned by the total lack of support network you've got. What sort of resources do you have in your area to perhaps pursue some interests like personal enrichment courses at a community college or some other activities in your town (where you might connect with people face-to-face who might become friends)? You may even find counseling with sliding scale fees if the money is an issue (for yourself and for the two of you as a couple).


#7

[quote="Melissa, post:6, topic:215804"]
In a word: No, your weight does not justify your husband's behavior. And yes, he **is **being gratuitously insulting. He made a vow to be faithful to you which doesn't have a "unless she gets fat" exclusion to the vow.

That said, your weight could have serious health consequences for you. Perhaps a plan like SparkPeople.com (which is free) or your doctor can line you up with a dietician to make a plan. Starving yourself is (as you've found) counter-productive, and yes, the weight loss will take a long time (2 lbs a week would be the maximum you should lose), but the benefits to your health are worth it (and you can celebrate the mini-goals, like 10lb lost, or 10% of goal, 25% of goal, etc.--buy yourself a new pretty top or something of that nature or get a new hair cut ... something for you to help celebrate the achievement).

I'm a little more concerned by the total lack of support network you've got. What sort of resources do you have in your area to perhaps pursue some interests like personal enrichment courses at a community college or some other activities in your town (where you might connect with people face-to-face who might become friends)? You may even find counseling with sliding scale fees if the money is an issue (for yourself and for the two of you as a couple).

[/quote]

I agree with the spark people suggestion.

The basic idea of losing weight is to simply take in less calories than you burn everyday. This will cause your body to burn fat.

Spark People will tell you how many calories you should eat, help you track them and give you ideas of how to stay within your range. It's also a very large online community like this one, just for losing weight. Best of all, it's free.

I've lost about 20 pounds on it so far.


#8

Your husband is a jerk. He’s behaving HORRIBLY. He is not acting like a man. He’s acting like a 13 year old. Guess what, there is a marital debt to render. However, you don’t have to encourage him to engage in sin. If he is actively cheating on you with other women and with porn, you have not only the right but the duty to abstain from relations with him.

Let me post a quote from the first century text the Shepherd of Hermas, a writing which almost made it into the canon and reflects early Christian belief, praxis, and spirituality:

(8) “Say on,” said he. And
I said to him, “Sir, if any one has a wife who trusts in the Lord, and if
he detect her in adultery, does the man sin if he continue to live with
her?” And he said to me, “As long as he remains ignorant of her sin, the
husband commits no transgression in living with her. But if the husband
know that his wife has gone astray, and if the woman does not repent, but
persists in her fornication, and yet the husband continues to live with
her, he also is guilty of her crime, and a sharer in her adultery.” And I
said to him, “What then, sir, is the husband to do, if his wife continue in
her vicious practices?” And he said, “The husband should put her away, and
remain by himself. But if he put his wife away and marry another, he also
commits adultery.”(9) And I said to him, “What if the woman put away should
repent, and wish to return to her husband: shall she not be taken back by
her husband?” And he said to me, "Assuredly. If the husband do not take her
back, he sins, and brings a great sin upon himself; for he ought to take
back the sinner who has repented. But not frequently.

Your husband is going astray, very horribly. It will have very negative consequences for you and your life as well as his unless you take action to stop it.

Furthermore, while yes, it appears you suffer from the sin of gluttony, and he suffers from the sin of lust. Your gluttony can provide him an excuse for his sin and a perverted shift of blame, but his actions are his own fault. He chooses his path because of his own desires. Do NOT buy into the lie that it is your fault. That is a lie from Satan, because he only wants you to feel that you deserve this treatment at your husband’s hands. He wants your pain and your husband’s sin to continue. Don’t believe him.

Your husband is at fault for this. His decision to cheat. His decision to watch porn. His decision to treat you like a cheap prostitute. None of this is your fault.

You should refuse to consummate your marriage with your husband in the times he does wish it. He is not treating you like a wife. I am so sorry, and I will pray for you. You need a good support network. You need someone you can talk to.

The best advice I can give is to find someway to find a group of friends. Anyone will do. Please.


#9

any sins committed by your husband are his not yours. You have my prayers on your weight problem, it can be conquered with much effort. Do not give up on yourself sister.


#10

[quote="Secret_Square, post:1, topic:215804"]
1)

My problem is: I feel I have no right to object to what he is doing because I've gotten so fat and unattractive. And, not only that, I am kind of a "witch" at times and lose my temper easily and am really awkward and clumsy about everything. How can I possibly ask him to give up his bad habits if I can't give up mine, and can't set a good Christian example?

I have a very hard time expressing just how horribly this hurts me and how much of a total failure I feel like. It's gotten to the point where I find it hard to even pray for him to change because it feels like beating my head against a brick wall. Tonight was just the last straw and since I have NO ONE, anywhere, I can talk to about this -- no friends, my family is all dead or living far away, and I would be way too embarrased to talk to a priest about this -- I thought I would post it here. I feel really ashamed to do this but I just HAVE to get some advice, somewhere, that doesn't cost $100 an hour and is completely anonymous. He doesn't know about this blog and I have never told him that I post here.

[/quote]

Secret Square,
I just posted a CAF group wall message for you under "Women Suffering Because of Unchastity." Feel free to join us again for support. You're not alone at all, and your husband's sins are not your fault! Our Lord is by your side no matter what, and so is our group. Please try to continue to pray and talk to Him. You are VERY special in His eyes.
You remain in my prayers.


#11

It is understandable, perhaps, for him to struggle with his attraction to you on some level. it is understandable for him to have issues, we all do. BUT..
Your husband is being cruel...and that is NOT okay.

Work on your issue of your weight for YOUR health and benefit so that you will be around to care for your family. While doing so, pray for him. But, do not take on the burden of feeling that his actions are your fault...they are his fault.

Taben

p.s. If a man's wife was in a horrible accident and could not physical be intimate and was not attractive to the man anymore, would people believe it okay for him to treat that woman as your wife treats you? No.


#12

I agree with others about your husband.

I'm concerned about you. At my top weight last summer, I weighed 267 pounds (5'8"), so I was unquestionably obese and dangerously so. I had two surgeries to repair broken tendons in my ankles, and as a result of limping due to those broken tendons, I developed painful osteoarthritis of the knees, which made it very difficult for me to walk. I could barely walk from my car into my workplace (a hospital).

A few years ago, I did South Beach and lost about 30 pounds. But I found the diet highly restrictive--I was hungry all the time. And it did a nasty number on my body chemistry--my cholesterol shot up to 267 and my HDL/LDL ratio was scary. Blood glucose also went up, which was frightening--yes, all this on South Beach.

So I gave it up and gained back the 30 pounds plus additional weight, and ended up at 267 pounds.

I tried other forms of dieting over the next two years that involved cutting back a little or a lot, but nothing seemed to work and I was just starving all the time. I couldn't really exercise because my knees hurt so much.

So I know what you're struggling with.

And here's what I did, and I hope this helps you have some ideas.

First of all, at no time have I ever felt "unattractive." THAT, IMO, is an issue that you need to deal with before you start losing weight through diet and exercise. You ARE attractive, no matter how much you weigh. Your husband has been influenced by our Hollywood culture to think of heavy women as unattractive, but he is wrong and so are you. You are sexy, beautiful, and fun-to-be-with (sexually and otherwise).

You need to wrap your head around that concept. You will never lose weight as long as you see yourself as unattractive because you will sabotage everything you do. You will give up on eating healthily and working out because you'll say, "I'm so ugly, why bother?"

I hear that coming through your post, and you simply HAVE to find a way to defeat that thinking.

I would suggest going to a Catherine's, Lane's, or another store that specializes in outfittng heavy women. Spend time there getting to know the salesclerks and tell them that you feel ugly. They will make you see that you have many attractive traits.

Also, read a magazine like Glamour. Yes, it's pro-choice and hedonistic, but in the last few years, they have started including plus-size women in all their fashion layouts, and they have done some wonderful stories about big women.

Cut out pictures of heavy women like Queen Latifah, or Gabourey Sidibe (who is on the cover of one of the beauty magazines this month), or Amber Riley from Glee or Nikki Blonsky from Hairspray. Or watch the Biggest Loser. If you do this, you'll begin to see that a woman who is big can still be very beautiful.

Once you begin to appreciate your own personal beauty, I'm hoping that your husband will appreciate you, too. For many men, the most attractive quality of any woman is her CONFIDENCE. Many thin women think they're ugly, and this turns a man off. But when a woman is thinking, "I am a HOT, sexy babe, and you're in for a treat!", a man will find this irresistable!

Finally, it is only when you see yourself as "attractive" that you will be able to start working on the weight loss. You're right, it will take many many months and years, and that's OK because you are worth it. And it's really, really hard.

What worked for me was to consult on a bi-weekly basis with a dietician, who helped me to gradually cut out various foods from my diet (e.g., drinking 6 20 oz bottles of Mountain Dew a day) and to eat a balanced diet that doesn't exclude any foods. In the last year, I've lost 55 pounds and have truly never felt deprived or hungry. I'm learning how to eat logically and not emotionally. I'm learning portion control. I'm learning little tricks (e.g., not using mayo, leaving the sour cream off the nachoes, etc.) I'm learning to plan my eating. I'm learning about new foods (to me, anyway) that are delicious and still healthy.

It takes so much time and again, I will repeat--you HAVE to feel like you're worth all the time and effort or you'll give up. Get that issue straight first.

Good luck and keep posting.


#13

Secret Square, I'm am really sorry to hear about you and your husband's situation. There are a lot of missing pieces so it can be a little difficult to provide the best advice. That being said here are some general observations based on what we know.

  1. Several have said that his sins are not your fault. This is true only he can decide to get on the internet and commit these very terrible sins. However, he is your husband and you have shared responsibility for each others souls. You should inform him that these activies are both sinful and hurtful to you.

  2. You gave a us unique insight into the thinking of somebody in serious sin. People with good in them that are living sinfully always find a way to twist the truth in order to justify their behavior. His being upfront about it and trying to justify it provides some hope that his conscience is fighting him on some level.

  3. Some important part of the story is missing here. The fact he is upfront about it, leads me to believe that he might not be a practicing Catholic. Are both or either of you active in the Church (do you go to Mass every week)? Have you guys practiced birth control in the past? (I ask because there seems to be a big correlation)

  4. As much as being 300lbs is dangerous for you health, his behavior is infinitely more dangerous for his eternal soul. You should not be hiding the fact that you know it is wrong. You should meet with a priest about this, eventually you should try to get him to meet the priest with you or at least separately.

  5. Start taking care of yourself (for yourself!). Don't let your health be affected by his behavior. Don't worry about the scale at first, start at least eating healthier. Get rid off all junk food, sugared drinks and fatty foods. Even if you eat the same amount, but of fruit, veges and whole grain breads, you will start to shed some weight. Second start walking every day (assuming you are healthy enough to do it).

  6. Your weight and appearance have little to do with his desires for you. His sins, lack of formation are the majority of the problem. Authentic married love is blind to appearances, it is nothing like the superficial images on tv and in movies today. Right now he is oriented towards taking and not giving.


#14

Secret Square, my heart breaks for you. What your husband does, is not right at all. I bet if he would truly and unconditionally love you, regardless of your weight, you would find it easier to tackle this health issue.

I have a good friend who married a woman whose physique is similar to yours. You should see how those two love and cherish each other. Granted, my friend chose to marry a woman who was already obese, while your husband married you when you were thinner, but that shouldn't make a difference. I'm not married myself, but thinking of my family members, I know I would love them no matter how obese or anorexic they would get, and regardless of what else would happen to their bodies.


#15

[quote="Secret_Square, post:1, topic:215804"]
Ok, I am just going to cut to the chase here, and add background information only if anyone who replies should ask for it.

I have a serious weight problem. I am 5 ' 7" and close to 300 pounds. I KNOW that I should stop eating compulsively, yet every time I try to fast or diet, I get extremely hungry or dizzy or lightheaded and end up eating too much. And there are plenty of other times when I eat simply because it is the only thing I really enjoy doing anymore. I know absolutely that I have to stop, that this is gluttony and it's wrong, but I've failed so many times it's hard to get up any motivation. And I know that even if I started starving myself right now, it would take months, maybe even years, to get back to the appearance I used to have.

Now, I also know that my weight has pretty much turned my husband off when it comes to our sex life as well. As I've explained above, it's not just a case of he think's I'm a little too chubby, I am unquestionably seriously obese. It's gotten to the point where 1) he has taken up with girlfriends on the internet, which he tells me all about, where they are from, what they look like, etc. and he even tells me that he has done, um, sexual stuff with some (not all) of them. He considers this doing me a favor because he "isn't hiding anything" from me. And 2) on the rare occasions when he tries to do anything sexual with me, he now insists on watching porn WHILE we do it, because that's the only way, he says, he can be satisfied since it's become so physically difficult to do anything with me. It hurts me terribly, but the thing is, it's 100 percent true, I know he's not just being gratuitously insulting.

My problem is: I feel I have no right to object to what he is doing because I've gotten so fat and unattractive. And, not only that, I am kind of a "witch" at times and lose my temper easily and am really awkward and clumsy about everything. How can I possibly ask him to give up his bad habits if I can't give up mine, and can't set a good Christian example?

I have a very hard time expressing just how horribly this hurts me and how much of a total failure I feel like. It's gotten to the point where I find it hard to even pray for him to change because it feels like beating my head against a brick wall. Tonight was just the last straw and since I have NO ONE, anywhere, I can talk to about this -- no friends, my family is all dead or living far away, and I would be way too embarrased to talk to a priest about this -- I thought I would post it here. I feel really ashamed to do this but I just HAVE to get some advice, somewhere, that doesn't cost $100 an hour and is completely anonymous. He doesn't know about this blog and I have never told him that I post here.

[/quote]

As a man I would like to say that what really bothers me is the way that he is shoving his infidelity in your face. Sexual attraction is largely based on appearance and beyond our conscious control for us adult heterosexual males.

This why we are often so willing to dismiss other men (especially our buddies) cheating on their wives and 'playing the field.' Because we find it all too easy to imagine ourselves in their position. Dismissing it with lines like "its just a fling" or "boys will be boys" (I don't approve of such behavior, I just think its common).

However, if a man cares about a woman he will at least try to hide his cheating (assuming he won't or can't stop) to spare her feelings.

There may be a few men who DON'T want to hurt their wives or girlfriends, but are too weak to resist temptation, yet too honest to conceal or lie about their infidelity. But based on what I have seen I think that such men are a distinct minority.


#16

:(I agree with AA.

The most disturbing part is that he is doing this out in the open which means there is no shame for what he's doing. On top of that, he seems to enjoy the fact that it hurts you.

I can only hope he will agree to go to some sort of counseling with you, but if he's that much out in the open about it he probably doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing and isn't likely to want to change.


#17

[quote="Secret_Square, post:1, topic:215804"]
Ok, I am just going to cut to the chase here, and add background information only if anyone who replies should ask for it.

I have a serious weight problem. I am 5 ' 7" and close to 300 pounds. I KNOW that I should stop eating compulsively, yet every time I try to fast or diet, I get extremely hungry or dizzy or lightheaded and end up eating too much. And there are plenty of other times when I eat simply because it is the only thing I really enjoy doing anymore. I know absolutely that I have to stop, that this is gluttony and it's wrong, but I've failed so many times it's hard to get up any motivation. And I know that even if I started starving myself right now, it would take months, maybe even years, to get back to the appearance I used to have.

Now, I also know that my weight has pretty much turned my husband off when it comes to our sex life as well. As I've explained above, it's not just a case of he think's I'm a little too chubby, I am unquestionably seriously obese. It's gotten to the point where 1) he has taken up with girlfriends on the internet, which he tells me all about, where they are from, what they look like, etc. and he even tells me that he has done, um, sexual stuff with some (not all) of them. He considers this doing me a favor because he "isn't hiding anything" from me. And 2) on the rare occasions when he tries to do anything sexual with me, he now insists on watching porn WHILE we do it, because that's the only way, he says, he can be satisfied since it's become so physically difficult to do anything with me. It hurts me terribly, but the thing is, it's 100 percent true, I know he's not just being gratuitously insulting.

My problem is: I feel I have no right to object to what he is doing because I've gotten so fat and unattractive. And, not only that, I am kind of a "witch" at times and lose my temper easily and am really awkward and clumsy about everything. How can I possibly ask him to give up his bad habits if I can't give up mine, and can't set a good Christian example?

I have a very hard time expressing just how horribly this hurts me and how much of a total failure I feel like. It's gotten to the point where I find it hard to even pray for him to change because it feels like beating my head against a brick wall. Tonight was just the last straw and since I have NO ONE, anywhere, I can talk to about this -- no friends, my family is all dead or living far away, and I would be way too embarrased to talk to a priest about this -- I thought I would post it here. I feel really ashamed to do this but I just HAVE to get some advice, somewhere, that doesn't cost $100 an hour and is completely anonymous. He doesn't know about this blog and I have never told him that I post here.

[/quote]

Oh my dear, I feel your pain! It is not your fault AT ALL that your husband is behaving this way. I too was married to a man like that and I am not fat at all. Men like that have a way of blaming us for their issues of porn and online affairs and real life affairs. It is something missing inside of them that makes them behave this way.

I have friends and family members who are heavy and yet have loving husbands; their body type has not been a turn off at all.

I sense that you are an emotional eater, rather than eating for gluttony's sake. You eat because you feel lonely and sad and unloved, and food is one of the few things that makes you feel better. If that is the case, then counseling is probably needed to give you other coping strategies. You need a sympathetic ear to listen to, and it doesn't sound like you have that at home.

As for dieting, crash dieting is NOT the way to go; it wreaks havoc with your metabolism. Instead, have smaller meals more often (every two to three hours), to stave off the blood sugar lows that make you feel light-headed and dizzy. Protein and complex carbs in combination are good for keeping blood sugars level. Slow and steady weight loss has more staying power than crash diets. Weight gains like this don't happen in a flash; neither does good weight loss.

Again, your husband's behavior is NOT your fault but entirely his own.


#18

Oh, sweet one, you are being lied to by the Evil One. I don't know what you have done or not done, but you have not earned this shame you're carrying around. Absolutely do find a priest to talk to about this. If you can't face your own pastor, then make an appointment to see a different priest. Any priest with any gift as a confessor will do, but if you don't know who to ask, call the chancery office and ask what priest in your area has a reputation as a very good confessor and go to him. If you lack the courage to do that, then find a priest carrying as much excess weight as you can find, so you won't fear that he will condemn you. Look around: there are a few of them with eating issues of their own. Do whatever it takes, but as the Lord loves you so much... please unload the shame! We can't even give up what we're really guilty of, unless we let go of the shame.

Embarrassment is the devil's tool, it really is. To fear embarrassment is a blackmail that you wage on yourself, but I think the Great Liar is behind it every time. Both wives and bishops have shielded men who abuse little children in order to avoid embarrassment. People avoid communication that could change lives, rather than hazard embarrassment. It all has to do with being so afraid to face our guilt openly or to hazard the judgement of people who have no office to judge us in the first place that we live in shame, instead. Even people who have never done a thing wrong will live in shame, because they fear a light that might require open contrition for something they had no power to change, or unfair condemnation that they have no power to escape. People will suffer far more than if they openly repented of a great sin in front of the whole world. If we are willing to humble ourselves and admit that we might have done wrong, if we could learn to ignore the busybodies and big mouths in this world, we could have peace. We tell ourselves that we can't repent unless we can be sure that we will amend without a failure afterward. That isn't true!!! It is practically a cliche that we all fight with one or two dominant faults our whole lives long! Instead believing that it is OK to wage a war that requires faith, hope, and perseverance, we are talked into shame and despair, instead. That is the devil working on us. Christ Jesus died for us, so we could humble ourselves before the throne of God and admit every fault in complete safety. Let us not fail to avail ourselves of the mercy that the Lord paid so high a price to win! That Mercy is Infinite. In the face of such Mercy, the only failure that can ever be fatal is the failure to dare to ask for it or accept it.

Obesity is a serious health problem, but infidelity is not caused by obesity. Infidelity is caused by putting our selfish desires ahead of our marriage vows. What if you were in a wheelchair, and couldn't engage in sex? Would your husband be free to fool around? Of course not. What if he were deployed to a foreign country, leaving you alone? Would you be free to fool around? Of course not. If he were single, would what he is doing be OK? NO!! If he flaunted lovers in front of you, would you be free to be unfaithful yourself? No, you would not. So let's get over that bit right off the bat.

I suspect that your husband, though, is trying to have his cake and eat it, too. Correct me if I'm wrong: He says that he doesn't think that "virtual sex" is "really" infidelity, doesn't he? Catholic or not, he's been lying to himself in order to give himself permission to do what pleases him. He's trying to pull a fast one on you, but to be charitable, he's probably been trying to fool himself, too. He wants his sexual life to be without frustration, which is just another way of saying that he doesn't want to have to have self-control. That isn't realistic. You can live according the standards of the world or according to the Gospel. You can't have both.

Please get your husband to go to marriage counselling with you. If he won't believe you, he needs someone to explain to him that a) in spite of what the prevailing culture tells us, sexual frustration never killed anybody and nobody has a right to go outside their marriage to find sexual gratification, b) even if he were single and free as a bird, chastity and purity are still as relevant as ever, the women he's carrying on with deserve more respect than what he gives them, even if they have lost their self-respect and what's more, pornography is not a victimless crime and c) offenses against someone else's self-worth are not made less offensive when you are shameless instead of secretive about committing them.

As for your own issues, if you haven't tried Overeaters Anonymous, that might be a good place to start. It is free and anonymous, and is geared to helping you rely on God for help and quit beating yourself up. You can usually find local groups in the Yellow Pages or on the internet.

Don't think, though, that you have to be perfect before you ask him to honor his marriage vows. That is not true, and he ought to know it. That promise to remain faithful "for better or worse" is made explicit for a reason. Besides, I have news for you: There are people bigger than you are that still have satisfying sex lives with their spouses. It isn't about looks. It is about love. That is what makes the difference, and it always will be.


#19

There is NO excuse for what your husband is doing. Period. It is in no way your fault at all, and believe me big women can be very beautiful. My freshman year of highschool the homecoming queen was a 300 pound girl who was considered one of the most attractive girls in school because she carried herself with confidence and always wore nice clothes and make-up. She had an outgoing, fun personality and boys just flocked to her. And I can can name you at least half a dozen 300 lb + women I personally know who look better than some stick-thin magazine model.

The core issue is not how you look, but your husband's immaturity and inability to understand what marriage is all about. I am astounded that he would be so utterly selfish. He doesn't think he's attracted to you, so he thinks that gives him a license to emotionally abuse you and damage your relationship with porn.

One thing's for sure - this is an issue that needs to be resolved before your marriage ends up wrecked beyond repair. His attitude about all this makes it clear he does not understand what it means to be a husband and how he can't take you for granted or treat you like he does. He thinks marriage is a bargain and if you're not holding up your end of it and it's not fun for him anymore, he thinks he has a right to be unfaithful. That's just awful!


#20

[quote="Charlotte1776, post:19, topic:215804"]
....believe me big women can be very beautiful. My freshman year of highschool the homecoming queen was a 300 pound girl who was considered one of the most attractive girls in school because she carried herself with confidence and always wore nice clothes and make-up. She had an outgoing, fun personality and boys just flocked to her. And I can can name you at least half a dozen 300 lb + women I personally know who look better than some stick-thin magazine model.

[/quote]

This is absolutely true. Beauty, self-confidence, and marital happiness are not confined to some specific weight class!

Having said that, if your wife goes through a period when she feels robbed of self-confidence, does not feel her own beauty, and feels hopelessness closing in, the very last thing a loving husband does is compare his wife unfavorably with some other woman, let alone give himself permission to be unfaithful. That is just inexcusable, and what the scales say do not matter in the least.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.