If you have had a child without being married

Due to the great interest generated by at least one thread about the reasons for out-of-wedlock childbirths, I am posting this poll to learn what the breakdown is around here. if you have become father or mother to a child with someone to whom you were not married at the time of conception, please check the main reason. Thank you. I have already checked mine.

So far two people have checked “other”. I hope someone will care to share the reasons I failed to think of.

i had my son because i lived like a hedonist. thanks be to God, that because of my sons birth God led me to Him and his Church.

Well, almost closing time here, and so far it looks like the common left-wing answer to unwed parenthood, providing more BC education, wouldn’t have affected any of the nine respondents. Nor would the common counter-argument that eliminating welfare benefits would stop single adults having children. I see no respondents had their children for want of BC information nor for economic benefits. Otherwise, it’s fairly evenly spread out.

I got pregnant before my marriage. Its difficult to pin point the reasons.

The basic reason is that the BC pill that I used failed. I was using it correctly, but I missed on day-had sex one that day, and called the dr. Was told just to take two pills the next day and everything would be fine. Did that. Ended up discovering that I was pregnant.

At the time, I was not a Christian. I seemed to have absorbed somehow the message that being chaste was impossible. This will sound terrible but I thought that anyone who wasn’t having sex was somehow repressed.:frowning:

I also discovered that if a guy was interested in me sexually that for a short amount of time that I had some power over him. To be honest, I liked this feeling. I grew up without a father and I think that played into my enjoyment of getting a guy to temporarily do what I wanted. OF course, once we had sex, I typically lost all power in the relationship.

I wanted love but had no idea that I was connecting sex and emotion. I thought that being a strong woman meant that I could deny that sex/love was connected for me.

So, I ended up hurt often.

These are the reasons for premarital sex of course, but I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant without having had sex.

That is strange I felt power by saying no and i could have easily got raped a few times, or pregnant I always said no at the last minute and figured he had to do what I said. I was a tease:blush:
but I just wanted hugs really, but this is not a realistic expectation of a man. Their train engine is on full power and some don’t have breaks. Hugs are important when you never get them at home when you are young. :frowning:

Did you have a father in your life? I ask because I didn’t and I was wondering if we had a similar background.

Hi Deb, sorry I had to go out I had a disaster with one of my CD’s so I had to find another, it is to be used at our groupy thing tomorrow.
This could get kind of personal, so I don’t want you to feel you have to disclose anything you don’t want to. Yes I have a dad, but my mom always tried to keep me away from him in a sense. She never trusted us to have a real friendship. She was always jealous like I was another woman. I remember when I was little she told me not to call him daddy. My dad had a sister also and she was jealous of her. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me and never really getting to know my dad. So I felt like a ping pong ball being tossed back and forth. but it didn’t really stop there she was jealous if I was ever close to an uncle or grandfatner or actually my aunts also. She never really gave me very many hugs, she was a real mommy dearest. But I don’t blame her it was her understanding of how things should be. My older brother and I have talked of these things and we are making a real progress towards our understanding of her. She didn’t want me to be close to her sisters because they were hers. I’m afraid the pattern was repeated towards my daughter some, but my dh is different than my dad. We shouldn’t really blame ourselves all the way because I think men need a class 101 in this area of life. My dh had three sisters so I think he understood girls abit but he also was too seductive and persuasive. Too much passion on both sides I guess. I grew up afraid of men, but thinking that it was my fault. One day I remember, not the year but I was young, the priest had an out and out arguement with my mom, in the Church, but my name wasn’t mentioned, but I think it had something to do with my mom’s weird sense of family. It is funny we are talking of this as to this day, when I call them my dad always answers, she lets him:rolleyes: as he is the head, but when she hears it’s me she quickly grabs the phone. She is still carrying around her dysfuction and a counselor I went to for awhile said I need to accept the fact my parents aren’ going to change. She is going to be the way she is, but now I am back to the Church I want this more than ever for my dad, but she is pratesting still, go figure now I feel she is the devil’s advocate, but new developements is her priest suggested her to come to confession once a month. I think he is putting the whole picture together,a couple times I met him and he said so you are the daughter. I have quit trying to figure it all out but jealousy is certainly a terrible thing. Now whenever I hug my parents I be sure to hug them both and only visit an hour so my nerves don’t get to stressed. I have to have compassion for them because I haven’t been the perfect parent ither and have my baggage and can see my daughter roll her eyes at me. Other people in my parish said they knew my mom even went to school with her they sympathize, she has had a hard life, growing up in the depression and going through WWII, maybe I’m the one growing up. :thumbsup: Go to your priest and tell him the whole story it will get a lode off your mind.My first priest really helped me, he said you know what you are not responsible for your mother you are responsible for your self. Yes I have a dad to hug and I don’t have to steal hugs. I tell my dad now to hug my mother, no matter how mad you are. So part of the problem we share is you never saw a father hug your mother in a gentle non sexual way. I’m sorry you had the terrible things happen to you. Hoping and praying you can get some closure :slight_smile:

It’s a shame when these polls close so quickly - you really don’t get much of an idea when only a handful of people have the opportunity to reply. I would have like to see a bigger sample - it’s an interesting question.

~Liza

I would have to be an other, we had premarital sex but used NFP so I was lucky not to get pregnant, but stupid to live to gether before marriage.I didn’t want to wait and would have accepted a child because I really did deep down just wanted to be a mommy, but was in too much of a hurry and didn’t understand all the issues with parenthood. Thought it was going to be easy. We got married and still used NFP for a year and then we agreed to start a family. My daughter’s counselor tells her she got pregnant because she was mad at me, hating the mother, or jealous of her mother or some times jealous of other women who get a lot of attention being pregnant, but that would be in the other list.

Can I add secondhand data to the sample? :smiley:

Coworker 1: BC failed
Coworker 2: BC failed
Coworker 3: BC failed, condom failed, sponge failed, all at once (we’ll eagerly look to see what her son is going to do in this world, lol, talk about special)
Coworker 4: BC failed, aborted
Coworker 5: BC failed, miscarried
Aunt: BC failed
Neighbor: BC failed, two years later, BC failed, three years later, BC failed :rolleyes:
Neighbor 2: BC failed
Student 1: BC failed
Student 2: BC and condom failed
Student 3: Told she was infertile due to Dep, but she wasn’t
Student 4: BC failed, but she suspects her BF tricked her with placebos…)note to those relying on BC, keep your pills locked away. :stuck_out_tongue: )

Hmm, as I think about it, perhaps this is why I don’t buy into BC.

I put other.

We agreed that we were commited to each other, loved each other and wanted to raise a family together. Basically there was no accident because we planned to be parents.

That was nearly 7 years ago and we are still together (as a family) and have 2 children, each one of them planned.

Elric, you are a wholesome example of my growing idea of a new secular society.

It might not have traditional religion, or traditional ceremonies, but it still maintains natural order.

Sorry, I’m getting of topic…

Thank you for your kind words. It wasnt exactly what I was expecting to be honest, but it certainly is a welcome suprise.

Coworker 3 sounds like my mom’s best friend’s daughter. She had an IUD, was on the pill, and used a condom, and they only had sex TWICE in several months! And she’s pregnant.
Neighbor sounds like my mom. I’m the only one that was semi-planned. Sister was a diaphragm baby, the other two were pill babies. I was a “we’re not trying, but we’re not trying not to, either” baby. Come to think of it, so is my son. :smiley: Well, I was trying, his daddy (my ex-husband) wasn’t, but wasn’t trying to prevent it.

There’s really only ONE basic reason people beome parents outside of marriage.

What would that be?

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.