If your spouse is committing adultery, should you wait for them to divorce? Or you do it?


#1

My marriage is down the tubes. Found out AGAIN, my husband is STILL ACTIVELY GOING TO TOTALLY NUDE STRIP CLUBS AND HAVING AN AFFAIR with a stripper from there for 3 years now. I found evidence as recent as FIVE days ago…Don’t want to get into it, but it’s clear evidence.

QUESTION: It’s obvious he doesn’t want our marriage and our family anymore, so should I wait for him to divorce me? Encourage him to do so even? Or should I instigate it? My relatives are saying oh I should wait until he initiates it. Trouble is I’ve been in limbo now for 3 years, with nothing changing. I cannot stand it one more day… I am feeling tremendous hate and disgust towards him again, and wrote him tonight saying “I never want to see him again the rest of my life” except when he needs to bring money over for now anyway, until I find a job. I confronted him with this further evidence via an e-mail but haven’t heard from him yet. It will only be more lies, I’m sure. We are still married and he has responsibilities.

I hate him soooo much. I have never felt such hate in my heart, disgust, hurt, ever before not only for him, but what he is doing to our children. He could care less if we’re divorced I feel it. Then he can be FREE to date whores…with no more ties to me. He’ll probably be glad if I filed the papers.

I want to do the right thing. I feel he needs to take the responsibility to end the marriage if he wants to be fooling around…what does everyone think? I anm feeling so distraught right now upon finding, just 5 days ago he was back to it…probably even today as his parents said they haven’t seen him all day today…

I am just sick over this. it’s never ending. I want to get on with a life and a future. He drags me into the pit of hell.

Thanks,
Corinne

Please tell me what I should do.


#2

[quote="Corinne3, post:1, topic:215246"]
My marriage is down the tubes. Found out AGAIN, my husband is STILL ACTIVELY GOING TO TOTALLY NUDE STRIP CLUBS AND HAVING AN AFFAIR with a stripper from there for 3 years now. I found evidence as recent as FIVE days ago......Don't want to get into it, but it's clear evidence.

QUESTION: It's obvious he doesn't want our marriage and our family anymore, so should I wait for him to divorce me? Encourage him to do so even? Or should I instigate it? My relatives are saying oh I should wait until he initiates it. Trouble is I've been in limbo now for 3 years, with nothing changing. I cannot stand it one more day...... I am feeling tremendous hate and disgust towards him again, and wrote him tonight saying "I never want to see him again the rest of my life" except when he needs to bring money over for now anyway, until I find a job. I confronted him with this further evidence via an e-mail but haven't heard from him yet. It will only be more lies, I'm sure. We are still married and he has responsibilities.

I hate him soooo much. I have never felt such hate in my heart, disgust, hurt, ever before not only for him, but what he is doing to our children. He could care less if we're divorced I feel it. Then he can be FREE to date whores....with no more ties to me. He'll probably be glad if I filed the papers.

I want to do the right thing. I feel he needs to take the responsibility to end the marriage if he wants to be fooling around......what does everyone think? I anm feeling so distraught right now upon finding, just 5 days ago he was back to it.....probably even today as his parents said they haven't seen him all day today.........

I am just sick over this. it's never ending. I want to get on with a life and a future. He drags me into the pit of hell.

Thanks,
Corinne

Please tell me what I should do.

[/quote]

Corrine, first I am praying for you. Second, I would go and see the local priest ASAP if you can. Third, I know this has been going on a long time and you need guidance. Please pray for it.


#3

What do you want from CAF Corrinne? You have been telling your story over and over and well meaning posters on CAF have been telling you for a long time, to get away from your abusive husband???

Are you using CAF as a venting board?

I'm not sure what you want? You won't leave no matter what advice you are given and you get angry with any poster that doesn't tell you what you want to hear :shrug:

I will continue to pray for you.


#4

[quote="Corinne3, post:1, topic:215246"]

I want to do the right thing.

[/quote]

and what IS that? and do you really want to do it? you seem certain that your marriage is over, and i can't argue with that. You have been unable thus far to in any way influence your husband to live up to his responsibilities or do the right thing, so what makes you think he'd start now? He doesn't care. He's doing what he wants to anyway. Why would he want to go to the trouble of going to see a lawyer etc? There's no motivation there. He's unaffected by moral imperatives and that isn't gong to change. Just go do what you need to do. Stop expecting more from him than he's shown you he's capable of or willing to give. Many prayers Corinne, it's difficult!!


#5

*Serap:

What do you want from CAF Corrinne? You have been telling your story over and over and well meaning posters on CAF have been telling you for a long time, to get away from your abusive husband???

Are you using CAF as a venting board?

I’m not sure what you want? You won’t leave no matter what advice you are given and you get angry with any poster that doesn’t tell you what you want to hear

I will continue to pray for you. *

Do you understand my question I wonder? I have gotten away from my abusive husband. I kicked him out for the last time one month ago. He is not living at home now, it’s just me and my kids. WE ARE SEPARATED! HELLO? Maybe you should read my posts!

MY question is: is it the right thing to do wait for a husband to divorce you??? since that’s the lifestyle he wants? Or should the innocent victim take the initiative?

OK I received 2 e-mails back. He said he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore.

I have not responded. Yet. Should I say, “well then divorce me then”? Or do nothing. That is my question. Should I put the responsibility for divorcing one’s spouse to continue in sin on HIM??? Or should I do it??? I have seen Priests. They tell me to separate, (which I am) but don’t worry about divorce YET. They say nothing about divorce, only that “I have every reason for an annulment”. I know this. So they really haven’t given me any advice about it. Who should initiate what…

And yes, I come here to vent, as I have no one else really, and to gain hopefully some Perspective on this exact issue of mine.
Thank you for praying.

I do know I want a divorce from this sick and abusive man, who is dragging me down.


#6

“He doesn’t care. He’s doing what he wants to anyway. Why would he want to go to the trouble of going to see a lawyer etc? There’s no motivation there. He’s unaffected by moral imperatives and that isn’t gong to change.”

Dear Shannyk:

This is totally true. Counselors have told me I need to do what I need to do to take care of myself and my kids.

He writes me last night saying “I DON’T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO YOU ANYMORE”…obviously since he’s been having affairs with strippers and caught up in heavy adultery for 3 years now. Should I tell him to divorce me then??? THIS I am unsure about. I still am unemployed, sadly, with no place to live, no family to live with, nothing, not even a car in my name. I remain stuck.

What do I need to do before I can actually file for D???

Should I wait until I have a job???

I know here in CA it’s a 6 month waiting period until a D is final. So I guess it couldn’t hurt to file now, hopefully by the time it’s final I’ll be self-supporting. But what if I’m still not??? I really need help.\

I will go see an attorney for another consultation asap. I can’t live in this limbo any longer. I need to change paths here.

I heard the definition of insanity is: “doing the same thing over and over and over, and expecting a different result”…that’s what I have been doing for 2 years, like a hamster on a wheel. NOW I KNOW. I want to take steps to move forward.

I am seeing a good therapist weekly now. She’ll be able to help me.

Thanks for listening. My situation is very complicated. It’s not a matter of you all simply saying to me: “get away from your abusive husband then and move on”.

Maybe it’s that simple for some, but not for me, as many of you know.

In the Bible it does say, “if a man wants to put away his wife, he should give her a bill of divorce”,it does not say, if a husband is committing adultery, the wife should divorce him"…

Please help from a Biblical and Catholic perspective.

What things do you think need to be in order??? In life before I take initiative???

Is it ridiculous to divorce him while I have no job, no car, no place to live?

Someone tell me.

Thank you,
Corinne

P.S. Besides the economy here in California, I have been just been too beaten down to be able to function, maybe that’s why no job has come up yet.:frowning:

My therapist referred me to a battered women’s support group which meets next Friday. She said abuse is abuse, whether physical or emotional, mental. Mine is totally mental and emotional…


#7

Well I’m glad you left. Sorry for my assumption being wrong.

You have to do what is right for you. He won’t divorce you b/c he doesn’t want to pay for it. You will have to initiate it if it’s going to happen.

Who cares about him. He’ll do whatever he wants anyway. He has a low moral compass.


#8

It is tough to comment about why the priest are giving you the answers they are. You probably just need to pin one down and say am I wrong to file for divorce - in the situation you are in they probably are incorrectly assuming you already have. The CCC allows for divorce in order to protect financial, physical security or for custody of children. Divorce is a legal,secular matter and not one usually commented on except that it is a grave sin except those extreme situations. However, your husband has made it clear he is not going to live to live to his vows and is going to be abusive, etc. You probably need to do it to compel child support. sorry, but that is the cut and dry of the matter.

The other part of it is that you need to understand that you cannot date or remarrry until a decree of nullity is given. You also will not be able to start that process until you are divorced. God bless.


#9

You know I'm surprised you didn't leave him years ago. Get away from him now. Quit wasting your time waiting for this loser. File the papers yourself and be done with it. Move on with your life and divorce this guy as soon as possible. (of course, i already told you this as you seem to have posted this a couple times before)


#10

I am so sorry you're in this awful situation now. :( I've been following your posts, and this has been going on way too long. Your marriage is over. You need to get a lawyer ASAP and starting doing whatever you can to protect yourself. If you sit back and let things happen without advocating for youself, you could end up losing your house, all your money, and even your kids.


#11

I'm so sorry for what you're having to go through.

I haven't read the other posts and am not commenting on anyone's advice to you. I would just say this: There may be good advice here in terms of things for you to take into consideration when you decide what to do next and how to do it, but this isn't a clear-cut question that any of us can answer for you. Your answer needs to be the result of consulting with God in prayer, not consulting with us. What the God requires of you depends on you discerning God's will in your situation specifically. The path you have before you requires your dependance on God directly for the grace to do it, if it is going to be travelled as a way of holiness. It is certainly possible that a civil divorce is an option, the teaching of the Church allows it in some situations similar to yours, but no one here should be telling you definitively to do that, nor telling you that you are bound to stay in the same house with the man you married.

Please find someone with a pastoral office, a priest or deacon or someone who can be depended upon to use Church teaching to guide you, to help you work through what you're going to do and how you're going to do it. I don't just mean so that your course is correct. I also mean so that you have a real person upon whom you can depend for spiritual support and guidance, and to guide you towards other persons in your position with whom you can have mutual support. You will also need prayer not just to discern what to do, but as an on-going source of the strength to do it. That is all so important.


#12

Corinne, I think it is time for you to find a good divorce attorney to protect your interests and those of your children. This will formalize your husband's rights to visit your children and responsibility for support. It will also allow you to finally move on with your life.

From all you wrote, it doesn't seem that things are getting better. I don't see any benefit to waiting or hoping that he files first. I also don't know if it makes a difference, but a good attorney could at least explain your legal position and options.


#13

[quote="Corinne3, post:6, topic:215246"]
In the Bible it does say, "if a man wants to put away his wife, he should give her a bill of divorce",,,,,,,,,,,,it does not say, if a husband is committing adultery, the wife should divorce him"..........

Please help from a Biblical and Catholic perspective.

[/quote]

1 Corinthians 7
Douay-Rheims Bible

12 For to the rest I speak, not the Lord. If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she consent to dwell with him, let him not put her away. 13 And if any woman hath a husband that believeth not, and he consent to dwell with her, let her not put away her husband. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife; and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the believing husband: otherwise your children should be unclean; but now they are holy. **15 But if the unbeliever depart, let him depart. For a brother or sister is not under servitude in such cases.* But God hath called us in peace. 16 For how knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband ? Or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife ?
*


#14

[quote="Corinne3, post:5, topic:215246"]
*
I do know I want a divorce from this sick and abusive man, who is dragging me down.*

Then do it! Don't give him the power over this too!

Keep strong. You've really been put through the ringer!

[/quote]


#15

I think you've had enough. You have tried to save the marriage, you've done everything you could. It's not like you caught him at a strip show and then BAM filed for divorce.

You should only take so much of this.


#16

[quote="Charlotte1776, post:10, topic:215246"]
I am so sorry you're in this awful situation now. :( I've been following your posts, and this has been going on way too long. Your marriage is over. You need to get a lawyer ASAP and starting doing whatever you can to protect yourself. If you sit back and let things happen without advocating for youself, you could end up losing your house, all your money, and even your kids.

[/quote]

Ita.

I'm so very sorry you and your kids have to go through this. From what you write, it's time to consult an attorney and take steps to protect your interest and your children's interest. This is allowed under Catholic teaching and you will not be doing anything wrong.

At the same time, PRAY for your husband like you've never prayed before.


#17

Initiate the divorce yourself. You need to protect yourself and your kids. This has dragged out far too long already.

He doesn’t care, so why keep looking for more evidence of betrayal? Time to cut your losses and move forward, Corinne. He so clearly does not love you and his kids. Let him go.

If your priests have been telling you that there are excellent grounds for annulment, that would mean they recognize that your civil union is a sham, and not a sacramental marriage at all. Stop wasting your time. Move forward so that you can start to heal. You will feel stronger for it.


#18

[quote="Ailina, post:17, topic:215246"]
Initiate the divorce yourself. You need to protect yourself and your kids. This has dragged out far too long already.

He doesn't care, so why keep looking for more evidence of betrayal? Time to cut your losses and move forward, Corinne. He so clearly does not love you and his kids. Let him go.

If your priests have been telling you that there are excellent grounds for annulment, that would mean they recognize that your civil union is a sham, and not a sacramental marriage at all. Stop wasting your time. Move forward so that you can start to heal. You will feel stronger for it.

[/quote]

It does not even need to be looked at as something that is done solely in her interest. His devotion to evil has not lessened in the face of her patience and devotion. If I read what she is saying correctly, it has worsened. His behavior is morally intolerable in an objective sense. If her pastor is telling her that a civil separation or divorce is morally permissible, it is something that can be seen as being in the interest of her husband's eternal welfare, as well. Her refusal to accept his decision to reward her devotion with continued infidelities may be the thing that wakes him up and saves his soul.


#19

It's up to you. Do it. And cut the relationship completely off - don't ask for him to send or give you money. That will just prolong the agony. Make it so that you can forget that he ever existed.


#20

She has children, and the husband legitimately ought to be required to support them, if nothing else. It might shorten her agony to cut him loose, but if she can find the energy to do it, his feet ought to be held to the fire, lest he lose that opportunity to make amends for what he had done and take the responsibility that belongs to him. It could be very important to her children that he be required to do this.

If she wants to leave him behind entirely, that would be her option. She deserves to live in peace. I doubt she will forget that he ever existed, though. The best she can do, since reconciliation is extremely unlikely, is to forgive him (in the sense of wishing no revenge, but only that he repent, turn to God, and make amends to Heaven) and move on.

But maybe that is what you meant.


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