If your spouse was attracted to someone else, would you want to know


#1

This is a side question from another thread but I thought that it would be an interesting subject.

Imagine that your spouse has an attraction for someone that they work with. This is not simply a matter of finding someone attractive but having strong feelings for a member of the opposite sex. If there has been no sexual infidelity would you want your spouse to inform you of his/her attraction?

Having been in the situation, I can honestly say that, for us, confessing an attraction helped our marriage and made us closer. I actually gained new respect for my hubby and his commitment to our marriage. But I understand that not everyone has the same reaction.


#2

[quote=deb1]This is a side question from another thread but I thought that it would be an interesting subject.

Imagine that your spouse has an attraction for someone that they work with. This is not simply a matter of finding someone attractive but having strong feelings for a member of the opposite sex. If there has been no sexual infidelity would you want your spouse to inform you of his/her attraction?

Having been in the situation, I can honestly say that, for us, confessing an attraction helped our marriage and made us closer. I actually gained new respect for my hubby and his commitment to our marriage. But I understand that not everyone has the same reaction.
[/quote]

No, I would not.


#3

Nope.


#4

I’d want to know, but my dh has all ready said he would never tell me. I hope if he ever does feel tempted, he will tell me so we can fix the problem together.

Honestly, I could see it (developing an infatuation) happening to me before it would happen to him. But, I am very careful to avoid friendships with men. Any male friends I have are only as “couples.” My primary relationship is with the wife, and I only see the husband in her company.

But, then I don’t work, so I have less temptations.


#5

Often the other spouse picks up the issue - not always on a completely consicous level. so it is not necessarily the case that the spouse with the attraction can actually keep it hidden.

Given the damaging dynamics that type of thing most often seems to bring, I don’t know if the question has an answer; or at least, an answer that amounts to anything more than wishful thinking.

There are those who wish to stick their head in the sand - never want to know about it and secretly hope it will all go away.

There are those who wish to know, on the assumption that they can do anything about it.

Not knowing on the conscious level - that is, on the level where the wtonged spouse admits it to themselves that their spouse is being at least emotionaly unfaithful - often leads to emotional reactions and responses that often cause the philandering spouse to move farther away, rather than back to their spouse.

On the other hand, knowing it on a conscious level often leads to open conflict about the issue. Most people are not willing or able to stand aside while the philandering spouse “works it out”, and that can lead to emotional scenes of pleading, anger, bargaining, and other messy responses which often do not help to clear anything up.
The saddest part is that, while we are children, we do not have barriers up emotionally, and often are able to see and understand what is going on around us; as we grow older, we start to put up barriers, and in part, convince ourselves that we know nothing. However, most people who are at least minimally alert will pick up tell-tales that something is amiss. That, in turn, usually leads to responses to the spouse with the “attraction”, much, if not most of which is not particularly helpful to the situation.


#6

Some things in life are best left unsaid. Say something to your spouse only if you feel it is the last life line to save the fidelity of your marriage. :twocents:


#7

I would want to know.

I have a difficult time believing that my husband could keep something like that from me. Maybe I am just naive though.


#8

An attraction, no. Anything else, yes. God has blessed me for 17 years with a good wife, if she left me tomarrow, I’d still had that time. Tim


#9

no, I would not


#10

If it were just an attraction, no. It was physical, yes.

I think an attraction can be fleeting and based on just looks alone. Once you get to know a person better, the looks aren’t that important and the initial attraction fades. My two cents.


#11

Ok i am the type of guy that would wholeheartedly tell my spouse,figuring together thru communication we could find out WHY i was having these problems,I would hope she would do the same…

Having said that, I am the type of person who relizes that you cannot help whom you have an atraction for,thats the human side of us.
its acting on them attractions that is bad, I feel that by admitting to this attraction in a way it would also help to eliminate it.lets face it things that are “secret or forbidden” have a special appeal to them.
well by letting your spouse know you are eliminating the Secretive part,the other thing is hopefully you are building trust,to me it would be worse to hide such an attraction.and in reality i think it could even be considered a lie if kept secret,
I know I would feel tons more trust for my spouse if she was to come to me and admit an attraction,
now if it has turned physical in the “cheat sense” then I wouldnt want to know about it. been there done that before and it hurts like
nothing imaginable.

hope that made sense!
in short a great marriage is all about truth,trust, and honesty.
its achieved thru communication, and actions and lots of hard work.
anyone who gets upset over a spouses admittance to an attraction is not looking at the whole.how much more honest can someone be or truthful, and to me this also shows the utmost ability to trust…

My two cents
John


#12

Yes, I would want to know. I feel that I am the more spiritual partner in my relationship and if my husband found himself in that situation, I would probably be his only hope of being able to “see straight”. Complete honesty and openness in a marriage goes a long way.

I think I’d be more mad at him if I found out from someone else or by some accident. It takes a lot of courage to be honest about your feelings — especially when they may hurt your spouse’s feelings. I admire that quality in a person.

All that being said…one MUST consider the temperment of their spouse. Some folks are insecure, have problems with trust and just not strong enough to handle the truth. This must be taken into consideration. I consider myself a strong person who likes to deal with stuff head on no matter how bad. Get it out in the open so I know what I’m dealing with is my motto.


#13

I married (non-Church) young. No Sacrament of Matrimony, and no Faith whatsoever. I used to have fairly constant infatuations. I didn’t “cheat”, and even then I had the wisdom to distance myself from those I felt attracted to. I’m now happily married in the Church to a good Catholic woman, and I now understand the difference between love and infatuation. I feel fulfilled completely, and have no more infatuations. Partially it’s because of a Faith I didn’t have before, and largely due to the fact that Christ is part of our marriage.

The other thing which I give a lot of weight to is that I have a wife who denies me nothing, whether emotionally OR physically. I didn’t have that before, and I KNOW I used to feel hollow and unloved inside. Nowadays I have no emotional hunger, and (at the risk of sounding tawdry) I wouldn’t have the physical capability left in me to physically-cheat. You don’t go out for takeaway after eating a huge Sunday roast, do you? I can’t imagine how any decent man (or woman) could cheat emotionally OR physically if they were “stuffed to the eyeballs”.

I knew a bloke a number of years back who confessed to me that his wife “let him” about once a month, and always in return for him doing something for her (eg. working in the garden, or buying her something). Whilst it would not be morally-correct for him to cheat on his wife, I think I’d have a certain level of sympathy for him if he felt a hollowness that a lucky and blessed man like I do NOT feel.


#14

Since my husband is 100% loyal and doesn 't look at other women I don’t have to worry about it.


#15

I agree with several posters that passing attractions should not be shared, only when the attraction is becoming a real temptation.

:slight_smile:


#16

Ah, the joys of being single…my ex husband was open about being attracted to other women. He didn’t hide it, or care how hurtful his behavior and words were.

Safe to say he is not a highly evolved human being.


#17

[quote=JMJ Theresa]I agree with several posters that passing attractions should not be shared, only when the attraction is becoming a real temptation.

:slight_smile:
[/quote]

I do agree with this. I think it is rude and insensitive to share with your spouse when you are attracted to someone that you will never see again. If he told me everytime he saw a good looking lady, I think I would have to hurt him.

I based my previous answer on the assumption that this is someone my husband would see on a somewhat regular basis and there would be some sort of temptation.


#18

[quote=ConcernCatholic] I think it is rude and insensitive to share with your spouse when you are attracted to someone
[/quote]

:yup:

If a spouse feels that they need to unload…then go to a confessional and confess to a priest about the deadly temptation.


#19

No. It’s a big world full of temptation. I would be surprised if he never experienced some degree of attraction to other people. But I expect him to be a responsible, moral grown up, deal with it and move on without burdening me with the details.


#20

[quote=ConcernCatholic]I do agree with this. I think it is rude and insensitive to share with your spouse when you are attracted to someone that you will never see again. If he told me everytime he saw a good looking lady, I think I would have to hurt him.

I based my previous answer on the assumption that this is someone my husband would see on a somewhat regular basis and there would be some sort of temptation.
[/quote]

When I started the thread, I meant more then a passing attraction. I meant real temptation or an infatuation. Personally, I would not feel burderned to be told but I understand that there are many who would not. This is one of those questions where there is no correct or incorrect answers.


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