If your spouse was attracted to someone else, would you want to know


#21

[quote=deb1]When I started the thread, I meant more then a passing attraction. I meant real temptation or an infatuation.
[/quote]

Speaking for myself, I answered with this understanding. In his career my husband is surrounded by accomplished, well-educated, interesting, articulate and attractive women. He is attractive, intelligent, accomplished, and socially adept and engaging. He would be dead inside to never have a reaction. Even in the case of a lingering temptation, I KNOW that time and discipline can overcome. I would expect him to employ his will and act responsibly–without having to include me in the process.


#22

As long as it’s not physical, I believe that sometimes ignorance is bliss.


#23

[quote=Island Oak] Even in the case of a lingering temptation, I KNOW that time and discipline can overcome. I would expect him to employ his will and act responsibly–without having to include me in the process.
[/quote]

…discipline in the form of guarding the heart, eyes and personal space…
It is a personal process that need not and should not include a spouse.


#24

If I were married (which I’m not) I wouldn’t want to know. I know myself well enought to know that I wouldn’t be able to handle knowing that my husband had a strong attraction for another woman. Hopefully he would be emotionally mature enough to be able to deal with the situation himself.


#25

Whenever I am faced with questions like this I ask myself “what good will come out of this?” So, let’s say it was I who was attracted to someone other than my husband. Why would I tell him?

To me, this is something personal that should not involve the other spouse. Why cause them any insecurity or burden them with my issues? No matter how “innocent” I made it sound, I can’t imagine it not hurting my husband. I would never intentionally choose to hurt him, so I would not tell him.

Same goes for the reverse. What good could come of him telling me that there is another woman he is attracted to? Someone who has caught more than just his eye? Maybe if it was 20 years later and he was telling me how he overcame temptation and honored our vows I would feel more love and respect for him…but not at the time it was all happening.


#26

[quote=contemplative]…discipline in the form of guarding the heart, eyes and personal space…
It is a personal process that need not and should not include a spouse.
[/quote]

I have to respectfully disagree with the words “Should not”. This is an area in which we can all disagree and still be correct. There isn’t a right or wrong answer. Saying ‘should not’ is to definite and is applying your own opinion to others.

In my own case, my hubby had an infatuation. He informed me, we dealt with it and moved on. I wasn’t crushed or even hurt. The marriage grew stronger and I have a tremendous amount of respect for my husband. He is an amazing man.

I can’t take my own situation and apply them to anyone else’s though. I respect and understand that you wouldn’t wish to be told. We are simply different people and because we have different temperments we have different wishes on what we would each like to be informed about. Neither one of us is correct or incorrect.


#27

[quote=deb1]I have to respectfully disagree with the words “Should not”.
[/quote]

That is OK.

I think that every effort should be made not to include a spouse in this difficulty. I believe I stated in an earlier post that I think it is OK to say something to a spouse if ultimately the fidelity of the marriage depends on it.

If your husband’s best male friend is the person in question…then the situation is rather unavoidable…I suppose I would feel no other alternative than to ask my DH not to bring his friend around so much…or at all…and explain.


#28

I don’t see how any good could come from telling your spouse that you think a guy you work with is a hunk or vice versa.


#29

If it were my wife? I’d rather not know. Because I know it would hurt me. She only had one serious relationship in her life before me, and it ended 10 years ago. She doesn’t speak of him. Yet every now and then I ask a question about “him”, and the answer always makes me horribly uncomfortable…even though this was before she knew me, and before I had any say over her…it still creeps me out. I think it’s foolish to believe that either you or your spouse can be cool and unemotional about these issues, and to give saintly praise for their honesty in sharing their struggles. If you love your spouse from the very depths of your being, you’ll find yourself responding emotionally in a fairly caveman/cavegirl fashion. Why put yourself or your spouse through this?

As to how to handle it? I note how my wife does. She simply keeps a respectful distance from men at her work, and only truly befriends the ladies. She keeps herself cool and slightly aloof, avoiding eye-contact as much as she can. Many cultures do this as part of their code-of-behaviour (my wife is Asian). It’s usually just crazy westerners who believe they can be completely chummy with the opposite sex, without any problems. And even us crazy westerners used to follow certain protocols which would have been based on a desire to avoid temptation. It wouldn’t hurt to rekindle a few of those protocols.


#30

[quote=deb1]This is a side question from another thread but I thought that it would be an interesting subject.

Imagine that your spouse has an attraction for someone that they work with. This is not simply a matter of finding someone attractive but having strong feelings for a member of the opposite sex. If there has been no sexual infidelity would you want your spouse to inform you of his/her attraction?

[/quote]

No, thanks.
If that were to ever happen I would consider it my husband’s cross to bear. Something the Lord has specifically in mind for him in his own personal faith journey.

This world is a crazy place and there are loads and loads of temptations all around us.

I know 100% if anything like that were to develop it would not be because he sought it out, but that it crept into his life while he wasn’t on guard or he was distracted.

He’d deal with it in favor of our marriage, in that I can absolutely trust.

It may be difficult for him to do so, and it may take time, but he’d do the right thing and our marriage would be the stronger for it. I would never need to know the specifics or even the general details, just that he loves me, he chooses me, and he is faithful to our marriage.


#31

when i answered it was also for more than just a passing “hottie” was more someone would be seen on a regular basis.

Now i agree with Deb1 on this, if the relationship is good there should be no problems at all. to me it represents the true Marriage that the two people have really become one,keeping it to ones self
could have long term problems esspecially if gossip was to start
about something that never really happened in the first place.
this comes from experience on my part, A married couple is by definition one in being, what effects one effects the other in some remote way,keeping it secret just makes it worse in my personal opinion almost as if in some way the person is hoping to further it someday…

Now I also admit not all couples have this Trust or want this kind of thing and thats fine for them as well.if they think secrets should be kept from each other.However I played that game once, for me for the rest of my life its total honesty.
also to be truthful here I dont feel another woman could get that kind of interest from me anyways.

But I do agree its up to each individual couple

God Bless

        John

#32

My husband and I do not have secrets. We have found for us that being open and honest allows us to deal with things together, and not alone. Also it helps the other spouse to know when the other is in need of specific “prayer cover.”

My husband recently shared a struggle he was having at work concerning a cute mexican girl. He is in the construction trade and she is the only woman there, and she dresses in a way that is eyecatching. Very tight and lowcut jeans and blouses.

He wanted my advice on how to handle the situation. He said he had been averting his eyes, but that sometimes he would walk into the room and she would be there bent over, and he would “see” then divert his eyes. But the fact that he “saw” first really bothered him and though he didn’t want to he would have images pop up. It REALLY bothered him, and as most of the other men he worked with enjoyed this diversion, he felt quite alone in his struggle.

We talked about how Christ would look at this woman, and I said I didn’t think he would avert his eyes, but see beyond her exterior and into her personhood. BUT that if he was not able to do this, it was best to continue averting his eyes.

I didn’t bring it up again, but used the opportunity to storm Heaven on my husbands behalf, and enlist prayers from friends of mine to help my husband. I felt so bad for him (and all men who struggle to be chaste in a sex saturated culture.)

Anyways, a few weeks later he and a coworker were in our home speaking of an incident that happened earlier that day concerning another employee and the girl. Supposedly this man said something extrememely rude and sexually offensive to this girl, and my husband and his friend were laughing about it in a “wow he’s really got some b*lls” kind of way.

I was crushed. I felt that my husband laughing was condoning this other man’s behaviour, and I told him that I hope someday he will be brave enough to not only worry about protecting himself ( by averting his eyes), but to see her truly as a human being. I admonished him for laughing and not defending her. Especially because she does not speak English and many men are making her the butt of jokes, with her in the room, and she doesn’t even know it.:frowning:

Anyway, this was a few weeks ago. Last night my husband said that he had something that he wanted to tell me. I hate when he does that because I always think it’s some big thing and it ends up being not that big of a deal. So he says something that was very minor and I said “phew, I thought you were going to tell me something about that girl at work.” He looked very surprised, like it was the furthest thing from his mind, then he said … “But now that you mentioned it, I stood up for her like you said.” He is the foreman on this jobsite, and he told all of them that it was wrong to take advantage of the fact that she could not speak English by mocking her in her presence and making crude sexual referances about her. That from now on, anyone he heard doing this was going to be kicked off the jobsite and sent back to the shop immediately.:clapping:

I am so proud of him. I am not sure that if he didn’t share his struggle with me, and we didn’t have the opportunity to discuss the theological truths behind it, and I wasn’t made aware of how much in need of prayer he was … that this situation would have turned out to be such an opportunity for growth. For me as well, I was invited into a deeper level of trust in my husband and in God through this opportunity.

I am here to “help” my husband. I can’t do that if I don’t know he needs help.


#33

**No, nada, never, not in this lifetime, when hell freezes over. **
Get the message?


#34

[quote=LeahInancsi]**No, nada, never, not in this lifetime, when hell freezes over. **
Get the message?
[/quote]

Could you be a bit more explicit? I really don’t like it when people are vague with their replies.:smiley:


#35

[quote=Ana]My husband and I do not have secrets. We have found for us that being open and honest allows us to deal with things together, and not alone. Also it helps the other spouse to know when the other is in need of specific “prayer cover.”

My husband recently shared a struggle he was having at work concerning a cute mexican girl. He is in the construction trade and she is the only woman there, and she dresses in a way that is eyecatching. Very tight and lowcut jeans and blouses.

He wanted my advice on how to handle the situation. He said he had been averting his eyes, but that sometimes he would walk into the room and she would be there bent over, and he would “see” then divert his eyes. But the fact that he “saw” first really bothered him and though he didn’t want to he would have images pop up. It REALLY bothered him, and as most of the other men he worked with enjoyed this diversion, he felt quite alone in his struggle.

We talked about how Christ would look at this woman, and I said I didn’t think he would avert his eyes, but see beyond her exterior and into her personhood. BUT that if he was not able to do this, it was best to continue averting his eyes.

I didn’t bring it up again, but used the opportunity to storm Heaven on my husbands behalf, and enlist prayers from friends of mine to help my husband. I felt so bad for him (and all men who struggle to be chaste in a sex saturated culture.)

Anyways, a few weeks later he and a coworker were in our home speaking of an incident that happened earlier that day concerning another employee and the girl. Supposedly this man said something extrememely rude and sexually offensive to this girl, and my husband and his friend were laughing about it in a “wow he’s really got some b*lls” kind of way.

I was crushed. I felt that my husband laughing was condoning this other man’s behaviour, and I told him that I hope someday he will be brave enough to not only worry about protecting himself ( by averting his eyes), but to see her truly as a human being. I admonished him for laughing and not defending her. Especially because she does not speak English and many men are making her the butt of jokes, with her in the room, and she doesn’t even know it.:frowning:

Anyway, this was a few weeks ago. Last night my husband said that he had something that he wanted to tell me. I hate when he does that because I always think it’s some big thing and it ends up being not that big of a deal. So he says something that was very minor and I said “phew, I thought you were going to tell me something about that girl at work.” He looked very surprised, like it was the furthest thing from his mind, then he said … “But now that you mentioned it, I stood up for her like you said.” He is the foreman on this jobsite, and he told all of them that it was wrong to take advantage of the fact that she could not speak English by mocking her in her presence and making crude sexual referances about her. That from now on, anyone he heard doing this was going to be kicked off the jobsite and sent back to the shop immediately.:clapping:

I am so proud of him. I am not sure that if he didn’t share his struggle with me, and we didn’t have the opportunity to discuss the theological truths behind it, and I wasn’t made aware of how much in need of prayer he was … that this situation would have turned out to be such an opportunity for growth. For me as well, I was invited into a deeper level of trust in my husband and in God through this opportunity.

I am here to “help” my husband. I can’t do that if I don’t know he needs help.
[/quote]

I think that this is very beautiful. You have a very wonderful husband and you gave him excellent advice. Most women, myself included, might have at first been annoyed with the woman for dressing so provocatively but you are willing to look at the person within. I will have to remember to do that myself. See, now you are positively influencing a complete stranger for the better.:thumbsup:
.


#36

[quote=deb1]I think that this is very beautiful. You have a very wonderful husband and you gave him excellent advice. Most women, myself included, might have at first been annoyed with the woman for dressing so provocatively but you are willing to look at the person within. I will have to remember to do that myself. See, now you are positively influencing a complete stranger for the better.:thumbsup:
.
[/quote]

My husband was doing the right thing by averting his eyes, in an effort to protect himself from potential spiritual harm. But even if it was motivated by an effort to do the virtuous thing, and a “good” action, it still fell short of the love of God by being ultimately out of love for “himself”. To avert his eyes to protect “her” and “defending her” from spiritual violations of other men, in my eyes is far superior and closer in conformity to the love of Christ.

Also, it is very “knight in shining armorish.” :love:

She may never know that anything has changed, I know that she is a little safer.

It is very true, that she should not be dressing the way she is, especially in this type of work environment. Not only because it causes an occasion of sin for the men, but also for her own protection. But her actions are out of my control and those of my husband. She may just be ignorant, considering our culture, this is not unlikely, and not knowing her felt it was best to excuse her.

Anyway, just because a woman leaves her purse out in the open, does not mean it is okay to rob her.

Holy Scripture relates to us that the woman was “caught in the very act of adultery” and Christ looked at her with love. He did not condone her sin, but he also didn’t wait until she was dressed appropriately to love her. It was his love that inspired her change AND precipitated it. :slight_smile:

God bless!


#37

Psyche!!!Game playing-and a dangerous one at that. This could be considered mental cruelity. :tsktsk:


#38

No. I wouldn’t want my wife to tell me that and I wouldn’t tell my wife. I expect in the course of her day that she will see men more attractive than me and will notice. There are women at my work much like the woman who works with the construction foreman. I try to avert my eyes but sometimes the elevators doors open and they are there. I admit that God does great work and move on. The problem comes when you get to know someone at work and an emotional attachment forms. That is to be avoided because that is a form of adultery. If anyone finds that happening, run, pray and rid yourself of it. Sharing our difficulties with a spouse helps you grow together but an emotional attachment is much worse. Someone may say they would want to know but no one really knows how they would react. Take it to a priest, not your spouse.


#39

[quote=DVIN CKS]Yes, I would want to know. I feel that I am the more spiritual partner in my relationship and if my husband found himself in that situation, I would probably be his only hope of being able to “see straight”. Complete honesty and openness in a marriage goes a long way.

I think I’d be more mad at him if I found out from someone else or by some accident. It takes a lot of courage to be honest about your feelings — especially when they may hurt your spouse’s feelings. I admire that quality in a person.

All that being said…one MUST consider the temperment of their spouse. Some folks are insecure, have problems with trust and just not strong enough to handle the truth. This must be taken into consideration. I consider myself a strong person who likes to deal with stuff head on no matter how bad. Get it out in the open so I know what I’m dealing with is my motto.
[/quote]

I can relate. I would want to know. I too consider myself a spiritual and strong person. I know it is my faith in the Lord that would help me cope and deal with the situation in accordance with His will. I appreciate honesty and openness in my friends and people I deal with most especially my spouse.


#40

No, some things are better left unsaid…:slight_smile:


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