[quote="Pi314, post:1, topic:178751"]
First off, this might be in the wrong forum. I'm guessing. :\
So, I'm an atheist, have been for years. Suddenly the whole atheism thing isn't feeling right. I feel like I'm missing something, but I can't put my finger on what (I got into a good school, I love my job, I have wonderful friends). But it's not something I can talk about to much of anyone. All my friends are atheists. All the professors I'm close to (and usually talk to) are atheists too. Anyone I talked to, if they know me, would think I'm a crazy hypocrite.
I guess what's bugging me is this interest in God, and Catholicism specifically, having been an atheist for so long. I don't like it when I don't have a logical explanation for something. I don't have an explanation for this. And it's not like it's been one day, it's been almost a year of feeling like this. Seriously, I woke up one morning last December and thought "I should be a nun". Which is ridiculous of course since I'm an atheist, and that's like the extreme end of religion. But I can't get that line of thinking out of my head.
I looked into becoming a Catholic, but then I always stop short, because everyone I know would think I'm a nutty hypocrite to change my mind like that.
I don't even know what I'm talking about really. Just wanted to get it out... I'm just all confused. I kind of want to just go back to being confident and happy in my non-belief. It was easier.
Once God grabs ahold, I assure you, He's not easily shaken. I experienced the same thing as a Protestant, where He grabbed ahold of me and dragged me into Catholicism. It was one of the two hardest and most painful times in my life, the breaks in family relationships, the fears that I was going astray and going against God's will . . . torrents of fears, doubts and family clashes. Really bad. BUT the reward is INFINITELY WORTH IT. You cannot believe what it is like to really taste of God, to sink your teeth into His flesh, to receive the spiritual glories God has to offer His children. The light and beauty I have experienced through conversion has wiped all my tears away and I have nothing now but joy and fulfillment.
Like you, I too am feeling called to the monastic life. I used to say, "if there are two things I don't want to be in life, it's a teacher and a priest." So that's what God gave me to be -- or at least a religious, which is next door to the priesthood. I don't know whether I'll ever be a priest or not. Considering how God just loves to mess with my life, I'm guessing I will ;). I'm already functioning as a teacher at my local parish, and greatly enjoying it :o.
God loves us so, so much and He wants unity with us, intimate relationships with us because that gives our lives all the fulfillment we can have. All He wants is the best for us, and sometimes the best thing for us is the hardest thing for us to take because we are short-sighted . . . I own a pet guinea pig and sometimes I've offered her treats and she won't take them because her defensive reflexes have her wound up and she won't leave the box. There is no danger to her, but she's afraid to come out into the open. It's the same way between us and God. Sometimes He has something wonderful in store for us and we have to do something hard in order to get it, because that's best for us. Over time, my guinea pig has lost much of her fear because she's spent so much time among people. Her lifestyle is happier. In the same way, by doing what is hard we gain deeper unity with God and benefit very deeply from it. That's just a mini-scale analogy, of course.
When I was Protestant, I had a relationship with God but there was always something missing in it. Often I didn't really notice it, but Christ kept working on me and making that feeling of lacking grow, because He wanted me to have the fullness of Himself which is in the Catholic Church, rather than leaving me with pieces of what He is.
Jesus Christ said, "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life." He is the Way, the Truth and the Life, and that is what is calling on your spirit. You are being called to spiritual light. You are being blessed in a very great way. God is bringing you to Himself, drawing you onto the path toward Heaven and He's a tough one to resist! And resisting isn't worth it anyway-- it only hurts us worse in the end. Jesus wants to be your personal friend and I think it's time you answered Him with some prayers.
In Revelation 3:20, Jesus says, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."
He is standing at the door to your soul and knocking. God is blessing you and drawing you away from a life devoted to worldly things, things that pass away in a few years when people move or the economy changes or we die. He's drawing you away from all that so that you can have real life, eternal life.