I want you to know that even if you “feel” like an outcast… you, dear Florian, are not an outcast.
Go to Mass, sit there and when you begin to feel “I am an outcast”, say to yourself “I am not an outcast. I am loved by God. I am welcome here.”
You are a very strong man. I know you can do amazing things. What you have written in your post show us how strong you are. You lived them, you recall the fear and upsetting emotions. Those are gone… those times are gone. You can let go of those emotions of what was happening at the time. Those moments you remember are over.
Speak with your doctor. Maybe some time with a therapist trained to help people who suffer such great traumas, or PTSD, can help you learn how to change those emotions and let them go.
I see God working in your lives.
You have a beautiful family.
May God bless each of you. May you find healing through God and through professionals.
St. Florian ~ Patron Saint of Firefighters ~ Pray for us.