Soooo... I'm really trying to make the month of December a time of inner reflection and contemplation... even though I always do a lot of that. I guess, I'm really trying to focus on discernment.
After having an amazing freshman semester at college, I thought my first semester as a sophomore was going to be even better. But, for various reasons it was probably the worst time in my life. It was the first time I ever had a problem like depression. And, I have now been going to counseling since the first week of October; and will probably keep going through December. I definitely want to add, that for some reason I feel like God was working through my depression. Like... I was doing amazing at school, I made the Dean's List, and it was going to take something like depression to derail me from that path. Is it possible for God to work through depression? Or is it necessarily a form of spitiual desolation from the enemy that God allows us to go through? I just feel His hand at work in it somewhere.
It was serious enough depression that I took a medical withdrawal for the last semester at college. I just assumed I would regiester for classes and go back in the spring. After talking to my parents some about this, I realized that college really isn't a big priority for my right now. It comes down to, after a year and a half, not feeling even the slightest idea of what I want to do, or what I even want to major in.
Last night, the Holy Spirit finally spoke to me, and offered some much prayed for and desired clarity/ guidance in all of this. From a relatively young age I was comitted to the idea that if I failed academically, I could always become a monk instead, and have just as successful or even more successful life in the monastic life than in a secular career.
Anyways, that's what the Holy Spirit said: "remember how you said you'd pursue the monastic life if you failed academically... well here you are, you took medical withdrawal for this semester, you don't even know if you want to go back next semster. Now is the time for discernment". Or something along those lines.
Well, I hadn't really realized that until last night. Even though it should have been obvious. I had subconsciously been thinking about the monastic life probably daily for a week before that. But, it took the Lord answering my prayers to get me to see that I was called to the religious life.
Well, that's kind of the background to where I am today. I'm really on square 1 of discernment. Luckily, there are some events going on in the parish for seminarians, and I plan on visiting a monastery sometime this month. I've been reading a lot of posts about pursuing a vocation like this, and I still have tons of questions, so I'll post those below this.