I'm called to marriage but feel it won't happen? What do I do


#1

It feels like there are so many obstacles

1.
I feel very immature for my age. Sure I've graduated from school with honors and have an okay life in spite of not being able to get my dream job and have settled for part time work, but I sometimes still feel like i'm a 14 year old in a 23 year old mans body. This especially happens when approaching and talking to girls. I feel like i'm a nerdy freshman at a homecoming dance and can't talk to girls that well. This immaturity also affect other areas of my life. I don't have many interests other than TV and sports ( i guess history and geography are interests of mine, but i don't have many hobbies, though i now see video games as kind of dumb compared to when I was younger). I also still have a temper, and am emotional. I also have a hard time socializing with girls.

  1. There aren't a lot of Catholic women in my area. I know I can use online dating, but its hard to make a long distance relationship work. Also i'd rather us be close since it would make it easier. Also it feels like a lot of Catholic girls I do happen to meet aren't as into the faith as me.

  2. I don't have a lot of friends. It's always been hard for me to make friends. I did okay in college,but I only have 1 or 2 close friends. I know people say I should ask them to set me up, but none of my friends are really good at this, and even if they do suggest people, they are terrible matches.

4 Its easier just to stay single. Anymore, while I find it easier to be single. Sure i want to be married, but there are so many obstacles its easier just to focus on myself and god. Yes its tough because i'd love to have somebody help get me to heaven and be a friend and all that, but i've become accustomed to loneliness. Its not the greatest but it isn't the worst

  1. I'm not that good looking, and it seems even devout women are getting shallower. I myself am probably too shallow. It just seems like girls don't want a short, overweight balding guy like me whose only 23. I don't blame them. I honestly have just accepted God didn't bless me this way.

  2. I'm not that interesting. I'm a rather boring person. Sure i'm nice and faithful, and smart but I don't really do anything interesting. I'm just a simple guy who just kind of exists. I'm not some super cool guy who can get girls that are worth getting

  3. A lot of the Catholic girls I know are already taken. There just aren't many left. Sure there a few, but they are out of my league, or i'm not interested

  4. I don't have a lot going on. This will change as times go on though. Right now I am a substitute teacher and work part time at a grocery store. Its good work and I do like it and hope to get a teaching position soon. Even if I don't I do plan to try and get full time work, or maybe become a FOCUS missionary or something like that, but for now not much is going on

  5. Never had a relationship. This hinders my ability to start one. I mean at 23 its possible, but its harder. I just feel like i've started too late. What will most girls think when I tell them this.

  6. I'm too nice. I'm not very assertive. To be honest i have to have people help me out and tell me what to do in a lot of cases. I'm not very good at reading people either, especially girls, though Itry. Even when I do go on dates, I get the whole "you're nice" thing from girls, but never anything else.

Thats all I can really think of. I know its negative, but honestly I just don't care anymore about finding a relationship as sad as it is. I'll keep praying, but rather than praying for a spouse, i'll just pray God can help me learn to handle my loneliness and find other things to bring me to holiness


#2

[quote="benjammin, post:1, topic:305279"]
It feels like there are so many obstacles

1.
I feel very immature for my age. Sure I've graduated from school with honors and have an okay life in spite of not being able to get my dream job and have settled for part time work, but I sometimes still feel like i'm a 14 year old in a 23 year old mans body. This especially happens when approaching and talking to girls. I feel like i'm a nerdy freshman at a homecoming dance and can't talk to girls that well. This immaturity also affect other areas of my life. I don't have many interests other than TV and sports ( i guess history and geography are interests of mine, but i don't have many hobbies, though i now see video games as kind of dumb compared to when I was younger). I also still have a temper, and am emotional. I also have a hard time socializing with girls.

  1. There aren't a lot of Catholic women in my area. I know I can use online dating, but its hard to make a long distance relationship work. Also i'd rather us be close since it would make it easier. Also it feels like a lot of Catholic girls I do happen to meet aren't as into the faith as me.

  2. I don't have a lot of friends. It's always been hard for me to make friends. I did okay in college,but I only have 1 or 2 close friends. I know people say I should ask them to set me up, but none of my friends are really good at this, and even if they do suggest people, they are terrible matches.

4 Its easier just to stay single. Anymore, while I find it easier to be single. Sure i want to be married, but there are so many obstacles its easier just to focus on myself and god. Yes its tough because i'd love to have somebody help get me to heaven and be a friend and all that, but i've become accustomed to loneliness. Its not the greatest but it isn't the worst

  1. I'm not that good looking, and it seems even devout women are getting shallower. I myself am probably too shallow. It just seems like girls don't want a short, overweight balding guy like me whose only 23. I don't blame them. I honestly have just accepted God didn't bless me this way.

  2. I'm not that interesting. I'm a rather boring person. Sure i'm nice and faithful, and smart but I don't really do anything interesting. I'm just a simple guy who just kind of exists. I'm not some super cool guy who can get girls that are worth getting

  3. A lot of the Catholic girls I know are already taken. There just aren't many left. Sure there a few, but they are out of my league, or i'm not interested

  4. I don't have a lot going on. This will change as times go on though. Right now I am a substitute teacher and work part time at a grocery store. Its good work and I do like it and hope to get a teaching position soon. Even if I don't I do plan to try and get full time work, or maybe become a FOCUS missionary or something like that, but for now not much is going on

  5. Never had a relationship. This hinders my ability to start one. I mean at 23 its possible, but its harder. I just feel like i've started too late. What will most girls think when I tell them this.

  6. I'm too nice. I'm not very assertive. To be honest i have to have people help me out and tell me what to do in a lot of cases. I'm not very good at reading people either, especially girls, though Itry. Even when I do go on dates, I get the whole "you're nice" thing from girls, but never anything else.

Thats all I can really think of. I know its negative, but honestly I just don't care anymore about finding a relationship as sad as it is. I'll keep praying, but rather than praying for a spouse, i'll just pray God can help me learn to handle my loneliness and find other things to bring me to holiness

[/quote]

Take as many courses of human relationships as possible. Of how to deal with a woman (it takes longer than to graduate from college !!!, I tell you )
You seem to be analfa-woman. Just joking ...


#3

There is someone out there for everyone and that includes you. We have many examples of people who marry successfully later in life and at your age that would give you many years to be looking. God has a mate for you and your job is to pray for her to be revealed to you. Frankly, you are well versed in your shortcomings but what about all that you are blessed to be. God created you in His image and that means you have many wonderful characteristics. None of what you described about your life seem insurmountable to me but you need to work on your self-esteem. Why not start a plan today that includes praying daily for God to send you a mate, thinking only about your positive characteristics and joining a new group or making some new friends. God bless you.


#4

Benjammin, have you ever wondered if you are being too hard on yourself? It might be this that is causing more problems for you than any of the obstacles you have listed.

If you are truly called to marriage, it will happen. But you have to be willing to let it happen, no matter how long it takes.

Maybe it would be better to stop focusing on praying for a spouse (although you could continue to do so, there is no harm in that) and start praying to God for not only ways to overcome your loneliness and lead you to holiness, but also pray for God to teach you how to trust in him.

I have done the same fairly often and as a single person (who still hopes one day to be married) have found it to be a great comfort. The more I have trusted in God, the easier it has been to combat the loneliness.

Perhaps you should try online dating even though you have a strong aversion for it. Maybe something could come out of it. You will never know until you try.


#5

Part of your problem is that you are still quite young and unsure of yourself. That issue will work itself out in time.
Uncontrolled emotions and bad temper are also hallmarks of impetuous youth, with prayer and time you'll grow out of it. Patience is a great virtue and is it's own reward for it grants peace of mind.

If you are having a difficult time meeting catholic girls you need to be patient and PRAY.
I cannot say enough about the importance of earnest prayer.

Good friends are hard to find, I have none. Loneliness is more of a state of mind than a reality. Though I have no mortal friends I am never alone.

For the most part, women could not care less what a man looks like, just don't be unkempt and sloppy. A bit of muscle does help though, get in shape. Also, dressing right makes all the difference in the world.

Boring is OK, your job is to make the women feel that SHE is the most interesting and beatiful person on the planet. Given the choice between interesting and reliable, most girls will go for reliable every time. And with age and experience you will become more interesting. Poor self esteem can be a game killer though, you must be willing to put your best foot forward and at least act like you know what you are doing.

One thing, don't be too nice. If you come across as a doormat that is how you will be treated. There is no shortage of girls that can spot a doormat from miles away and will use and abuse him as long as they can get away with it.

Keep you head on straight and remember that there is no rush, all things will work themselves out in God's time. Don't use or abuse anyone, nor let yourself take any nonsense from people. Finding a wife is all about finding someone that YOU can love and who loves YOU.

Last but not least, don't get caught up in appearance. A beautiful wife with a ****** attitude becomes a living nightmare. A happy wife, no matter her appearance, will be a beautiful wife.


#6

Ben,
the best and fastest way to help yourself is to help others. Since you are single, you do have more time to volunteer. This can be in the Church, RCIA always needs people, plus there is a big need in Big brother/Big sister, Boys and Girls club etc. When we are out helping others, we stop thinking about ourselves. Also, you should count yourself lucky that you do have 1 or 2 friends. Many people have none. Likewise, you should not discount single Catholic sites.
If you meet someone, you can relocate or she can. look at the positives you have. Sometimes we are our own worse enemy which I think is what is going on here after reading a number of your post.


#7

It feels like there are so many obstacles

1.
I feel very immature for my age.... I also still have a temper, and am emotional. I also have a hard time socializing with girls.

Work on the temper issue, that's for sure. But we're all immature for our age in some way or another. I still geek out whenever I see Sailor Moon, like I'm suddenly 13 again. But I'm not, and it doesn't diminish my qualities as a wife or a mother. :)

  1. There aren't a lot of Catholic women in my area. ... Also it feels like a lot of Catholic girls I do happen to meet aren't as into the faith as me.

Maybe some of the girls you meet won't be "as into it as you", but maybe that is the point. This is a journey. You could very well be placed into someone's life to help them learn, and they will help you learn in return. Do you have any universities near by? Maybe start attending their Catholic gatherings. Perhaps they have a CCM (Catholic Campus Ministry)!

  1. I don't have a lot of friends. It's always been hard for me to make friends. I did okay in college,but I only have 1 or 2 close friends. ...

One or Two close friends is a blessing itself. Try not to diminish that! And being set up rarely works.

4 Its easier just to stay single....Its not the greatest but it isn't the worst.

Meh, I'm married and still remember how easy it was to be single. But that's only when things are rough. Of course there are days when I think back on having the bed to myself, sleeping on the diagonal, only having to pick up after myself.... ;) If you are called to the single life, then you called to it. If you're called to married life, then you're called to it. :shrug:

  1. I'm not that good looking... I honestly have just accepted God didn't bless me this way.

Everybody is good looking to somebody. I married a short, slightly overweight and balding man when he was 27, and I have never known someone to be more handsome than he.

  1. I'm not that interesting. ...

I think of Napoleon Dynamite.... "Girls only date guys will skills! Nun chuck skills, bow-hunting skills..." :) You don't have to be super cool and crazy talented or anything like that. What you do need is confidence in who you are. If you need to develop yourself, take some community courses! You will find cooking classes, wood working classes, grilling 101, bird watching courses... if you want something new to interest you, you can learn something new.

  1. A lot of the Catholic girls I know are already taken. There just aren't many left. Sure there a few, but they are out of my league, or i'm not interested.

Believe me, there are many out there. And leagues have little to do with it. A good Catholic woman wants a good Catholic man.

  1. I don't have a lot going on....

You're 23!!! Everybody starts somewhere! And teachers are AWESOME.

  1. Never had a relationship...What will most girls think when I tell them this.

Nobody can tell you what most girls will think, because all girls think differently. Personally, I would have found it sweet.

  1. I'm too nice...

You need confidence in yourself. Maybe getting some other involvements (like the community classes I mentioned!) could help you develop this part of yourself. You are worth SO MUCH, but give yourself very little credit.

Have you ever had it happen where you are trying to think of something, but just can't think of it? You know it's up there. You know you have this information stored somewhere, but you just can't think of it. When does the answer usually occur do you? Randomly, some other time, when you weren't even thinking about the question any longer.

The harder you focus on it, the less likely you are to think of it. I think relationships are much the same way. The more pressure you put on yourself to find the girl, the less likely you are to find her. I don't say this flippantly, I really do mean this with the warmest and best wishes. Work on yourself. Develop yourself. We all need growth, and if you believe some of these things you have listed are flaws or shortcomings, then you can take advantage of that and grow. If you are called to marriage, it will happen for you. It's as simple as that. God's got that.


#8

[quote="Ophelia23, post:7, topic:305279"]

The harder you focus on it, the less likely you are to think of it. I think relationships are much the same way. The more pressure you put on yourself to find the girl, the less likely you are to find her. I don't say this flippantly, I really do mean this with the warmest and best wishes. Work on yourself. Develop yourself. We all need growth, and if you believe some of these things you have listed are flaws or shortcomings, then you can take advantage of that and grow. If you are called to marriage, it will happen for you. It's as simple as that. God's got that.

[/quote]

Thanks for the answer, but I hate when people say the whole "don't think about it " thing. How can I not think about it. I'm a guy. I'm supposed to be trying to look am I not? I just feel anymore its impossible. It also doesn't help I live in Podunk USA where the average age is 65 and most young people are either married or into drugs or alcohol and don't care about God
All my life i've wanted a relationship. I feel like if I don't even just have a relationship with a girl, I can't decide on a vocation. It would be like giving up eating ice cream with out ever having the chance to eat it. Lets say I decided to stay single and just give up right now. How would I know if that's the right choice? If I had a relationship at least i'd know and could make a fair judgement.

Also, how can you say that if someone wants to be married God will make it happen. I'm sure there are many people on this forum who want to be married, but it never happened. I'm worried I'll be some 65 year old single guy wasting my life when I could have joined the priesthood at 30 or some religious community. More and more I feel being single isn't really a vocation, but a stage of life, and sadly for some people (me included) it will be that way for our whole lives. SOme people are just unlucky. Maybe God wants something from me that I don't want. I mean he is God, he wants what he wants, we want what we want.

Anyway, I do thank you for the answers. Its just so hard anymore. I get frustrated when people say it will happen. Why not now then huh. I know people who are 19 and already engaged (and not because of anything scandalous, these are truly godly people from what I see).


#9

[quote="benjammin, post:8, topic:305279"]
Thanks for the answer, but I hate when people say the whole "don't think about it " thing. How can I not think about it. I'm a guy. I'm supposed to be trying to look am I not? I just feel anymore its impossible. It also doesn't help I live in Podunk USA where the average age is 65 and most young people are either married or into drugs or alcohol and don't care about God
All my life i've wanted a relationship. I feel like if I don't even just have a relationship with a girl, I can't decide on a vocation. It would be like giving up eating ice cream with out ever having the chance to eat it. Lets say I decided to stay single and just give up right now. How would I know if that's the right choice? If I had a relationship at least i'd know and could make a fair judgement.

Also, how can you say that if someone wants to be married God will make it happen. I'm sure there are many people on this forum who want to be married, but it never happened. I'm worried I'll be some 65 year old single guy wasting my life when I could have joined the priesthood at 30 or some religious community. More and more I feel being single isn't really a vocation, but a stage of life, and sadly for some people (me included) it will be that way for our whole lives. SOme people are just unlucky. Maybe God wants something from me that I don't want. I mean he is God, he wants what he wants, we want what we want.

Anyway, I do thank you for the answers. Its just so hard anymore. I get frustrated when people say it will happen. Why not now then huh. I know people who are 19 and already engaged (and not because of anything scandalous, these are truly godly people from what I see).

[/quote]

First of all, I didn't say that if you want to be married that it will happen. I said that if you are called to be married -- that is, if it is what God wants of you -- then it will happen. There is a very, very important distinction to be had in that. There is a lot to say for letting go of your worries and allowing God to handle it. You may not be called to be marriage. This may be your cross to bear. If it is your cross to bear, you will learn in time how to rejoice in it. If you are called to marriage, God will allow it to happen if you just trust in His will. That's my point.


#10

[quote="Ophelia23, post:9, topic:305279"]
First of all, I didn't say that if you want to be married that it will happen. I said that if you are called to be married -- that is, if it is what God wants of you -- then it will happen. There is a very, very important distinction to be had in that. There is a lot to say for letting go of your worries and allowing God to handle it. You may not be called to be marriage. This may be your cross to bear. If it is your cross to bear, you will learn in time how to rejoice in it. If you are called to marriage, God will allow it to happen if you just trust in His will. That's my point.

[/quote]

So then my last question on this thread is this, is it possible that God would want me to be a priest even If I don't want to? I once heard a priest say that its important that we want to do whatever our vocation is. Is this true? I've never heard a definite answer. I've always felt that if I ended up single by 30 and never had a relationship I'd go into the seminary. I know it might seem like running away from the world rather than running into Christ, but most people I know say the single life, unless consecrated, isn't a vocation. I don't want to be stuck at a "temporary way station" as some have called the unconsecrated single life.


#11

I am no authority, but I think it is very possible to be called to a vocation that you think you don't want. The key word is "think" you don't want. Consider even Christ asked the cup be taken away from him. We ultimately find happiness when we allow our own will to fall away in favor of God's. I pray your heart find clarity on where or what you are called to. Single or not single, you are worth so very much. :hug1:

With love,
Ophelia23


#12

[quote="benjammin, post:10, topic:305279"]
So then my last question on this thread is this, is it possible that God would want me to be a priest even If I don't want to? I once heard a priest say that its important that we want to do whatever our vocation is. Is this true? I've never heard a definite answer. I've always felt that if I ended up single by 30 and never had a relationship I'd go into the seminary. I know it might seem like running away from the world rather than running into Christ, but most people I know say the single life, unless consecrated, isn't a vocation. I don't want to be stuck at a "temporary way station" as some have called the unconsecrated single life.

[/quote]

Ummm...yeah...a vocation is about SERVICE to God and others....so just choosing to be a priest because you didn't find a spouse is the WRONG reason....a vocation is not meant to make us "feel better about ourselves." A vocation comes from God and is not something we just decide on, least of all for some sort of boosting up of our ego which may not like being in a path of life (like single life) that is not so "grand" or "recognized" for its value.

Perhaps you could seek some counseling to help with why you are not assertive, are hard on yourself, and find yourself without meaningful relationships with women. Perhaps some spiritual direction would be good to help you to hear the Lord's Voice in your life more clearly. Also, I would strongly suggest getting involved in SERVICE in some manner- whether it be Knights of Columbus, or St. Vincent de Paul society, or at a soup kitchen or nursing home, or SOMETHING!!! This will help to put your problems into perspective and to exercise the virtues needed in any vocation.

Lastly, do not be so harsh on those of us who are not called to marriage, or priesthood, or religious life. God is working our lives for good too....Blessed Be His Name!


#13

[quote="benjammin, post:8, topic:305279"]
I get frustrated when people say it will happen.

[/quote]

That's because many of us know it will happen. :)

To relate a person story, my wife prior to meeting me dated a lot but just couldn't stand the people that she was dating. She finally gave up; she decided it was more exciting to stay in bed and read a book. When she gave up, that's when she met me. :)

A lot of people have similar stories. Don't try to force the issue; let is happen. Though you may think you're getting old, you're way younger than some of us. I had my first child at 38. You have plenty of time.

I recommend just living life and see where it takes you. I also recommend becoming involved in various activities. Most churches have several groups that perform various functions; everything from cleaning the church to charity-related activities. Join a club. Take up a hobby. Before you know it, you'll become a very interesting individual.

If weight is a problem, one of those hobbies might be sports. Biking, running, weightlifting, etc. A friend of mine actually lost 140 pounds just from changing his diet and walking an hour a day.

Much of this is just random thoughts, but I think it's important to start doing thing for self betterment and for betterment of the community. Before you know it you will run into someone that is like you.

Lastly, looks aren't quite as important as you think you are. They tend to be when one is younger, but as one gets older stability, family values, etc. become more important.

Best of luck.


#14

Most people will eventually get married. If it weren’t for divorce there would be a lot less single people.


#15

Develop some hobbies and pursue those. Volunteer with your church or another organization. Keeping busy helps when you are waiting. Are you able to get to daily Mass and/or Adoration? Adoration is a great place to talk to Jesus about your desire to be married. That said, it will happen if and when God wills it. The virtue of patience will serve you well, no matter what your vocation. It's a hard one, though.


#16

[quote="findingmyself08, post:4, topic:305279"]
Benjammin, have you ever wondered if you are being too hard on yourself? It might be this that is causing more problems for you than any of the obstacles you have listed.

If you are truly called to marriage, it will happen. But you have to be willing to let it happen, no matter how long it takes.

Maybe it would be better to stop focusing on praying for a spouse (although you could continue to do so, there is no harm in that) and start praying to God for not only ways to overcome your loneliness and lead you to holiness, but also pray for God to teach you how to trust in him.

I have done the same fairly often and as a single person (who still hopes one day to be married) have found it to be a great comfort. The more I have trusted in God, the easier it has been to combat the loneliness.

[/quote]

:thumbsup:


#17

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