Hi all, It’s been a while since I have been on here, and that’s because I have been aggresively doing my Dissertation research for my Psychology Ph.D.
To quickly sum it up: Me (and 5 other students) have been interviewing married couples (around 1000) to gauge the level of comunication, the status of their relationship, the problems they see with it, and each person’s own general perception of the Marriage.
We take the couple and separate them, and tell them at first we are going to ask standard questions about themselves, and see if their spouse can guess what their reply would be. We then asked questions like:
“What do you tell your spouse when they ask you about their appearance?”
“How often do you really tell your spouse what you are thinking?”
“Do you ever lie to your spouse because you think saying what you feel will start a fight”
All in all, there are 150 questions designed to get an idea of how spouses communicate, and 1 question rating their marriage from 1 - Very happy marriage to 5 - impending divorce/separation.
All in all, I am sick at the results.
-73% of men lie to their wife in respect to the wife’s appearance, sexual performance in bed, anger/temper issues
-62% of men routinely lie (tell their wife what she wants to hear) in order to avoid a fight (this jumps to 94.6% for couples married less than 2 years)
-54.8% of men routinely lie (tell their wife what she wants to hear) because they are afraid of the consequences. 22.3% of women stated they sometimes lie, but 81.3% of women stated they most often say what they think.
-For those men who do not routinely lie (tell their wife what she wants to hear)), 72.7% of their wives rated their marriage at 3-5 (not good). This jumps to 79.6% for couples married 5-10 years.
-For men who routinely lie (tell their wife what she wants to hear), their 68.3% of wives rate their marriage between 1-3. This jumps to 95.1% and 1-2 for couples married 2 or less years.
-66.3% of men either held back feelings, anger, or true thoughts while dating/engaged to prevent fights, or avoid angering the woman.
92.4% of women who rated their marriage at a 5 cited mental cruelty, abusive verbage, or frequent hurtful statements as a main reason. Only 11.4% of those husbands stated that they lied about their true feelings/thoughts.
Now for the kicker:
When asked the same questions, 65.4% of BOTH spouses gave different answers in the presence of the other spouse. 84.7% men!?.
74.9% of men displayed a “precursive behavior”, hem, haw, “hmmph”, “hmmm”, “ummmm”, when they gave answers in front of their wife differeing than their alone original answers. 65.7% of women displayed behavior that is indicative that they disliked the question.
All in all it seems that when husbands start syaing what is really on their minds, things go downhill very fast. It also seems that men feel the need to “say what women want to hear” to avoid a response. It also seems that communication is near zero is many couples Marriages. The thing that caught my eye was the absolutlly astounding frequency that men lie to their wives about feelings. I cant post all the data here, but let me tell you, I have been so nauseas that I skipped dinner at a new Miller AleHouse tonight…
And when I asked DH about his feelings?
first sound out of his mouth was “Hmmmmph…”